Rescued
by YourRhineStoneEyes
Summary: Skwisgaar's first instinct was to grab Toki's hand and just go, take him out of that horrible place. After everything is over he's really not sure how to handle how he's feeling about the incident or his band mate.
1. Chapter 1

The moment that Nathan had taken Toki down from the crucifix Swisgaar had run forward and grabbed the young malnourished man by the hand and dragged him towards the door. He hadn't let go of the younger man's hand, he held on tightly only to be met with Toki holding on just as tightly. He glanced down at their joined hands, inwardly cringed at the cuts and deep wounds scattered along the brunette's fingers and the back of his hand. His skin felt cold, his body shook, and even if he was safe his eyes were still wide and filled with fear. Swisgaar stood as close to him as possible, nobody seemed to notice or care. When they had gone out of the building the first thing they did was go to a hospital to get Abigail and Toki checked out for their injuries. On the way there Toki had held his hand, when they got there neither man wanted to let go.

"No I don't wants to go, please can't yous come withs me?"

Swisgaar placed a hand on his cheek, fuck his skin was cold. He looked filthy, tired and starved like he had the day he joined their band. Still the others didn't notice their hand holding or the way the blonde haired man lightly traced his thumb against his friend's cheek.

"It's fines I promise, I'll be rights here. Theys just wants to make sures you are alright, Abigail will be withs you." He said glancing over at the woman who was currently wrapped up in Nathan's arms.

Toki gave his hand a squeeze, Swisgaar looked back down at him.

"Ja okay just please be outs here, okay?"

"I promise"

A doctor came out leading their two injured friends into another room while the rest of them waited. Murderface had been the first to leave; he'd said something about being bored and getting tired of all the touchy feely crap. Swisgaar was sort of glad he'd gone back home; he wasn't a huge help. He hadn't even really wanted to get Toki or Abigail in the first place, it had turned into something about himself. They all knew the bassist was selfish, but even for him this was slightly on the extreme side. Not like any of them could really cast blame considering they had wasted weeks just drinking, doing drugs, and fucking sluts instead of looking for their missing and potentially dead friends. Swisgaar felt like shit for it, he rubbed at his forehead thinking back on it. He thought about the look of fear on Toki's face, he could still feel where his hand had been. He hadn't even thought about it when he'd grabbed him, if he could have he would have just ran with him far away from that place. Would have just taken him somewhere far far away that was completely safe and sound.

Another two hours and Pickles left, he didn't have too many reasons to stay other than to make sure Nathan was okay. It was weird now that there were only two of them there; considering Nathan being there because he was dating Abigail and Swisgaar was there, because...

He started thinking over that a time or two, why was he there?

It wasn't like he was with him sexually or otherwise, he guessed they were friends...Maybe not great friends; if anything the younger man annoyed the fuck out of him. He'd been so young when he'd joined the band, homeless, and seemed to not really have a past he wanted to share with anybody. It wasn't shocking that he looked up to the blonde haired guitarist; he wanted to be like him and wanted nothing more than to impress him. As they'd grown older Swisgaar noticed idolization sort of transitioned into competition, though he appreciated he could still make Toki nervous. He put him down a lot, beat on him, tormented him, and ditched him at bars and any other place he could. It was fun, they all picked on him for being the youngest, the most sensitive, and sort of feminine. He was pretty, very pretty; Swisgaar noticed that; it's not like it was that gay to admit the guy was attractive. He was very attractive, nothing gay about that.

There might have been something gay about dating a girl who looked disturbingly similar to the brunette guitarist. He tried not to think too hard on that, she'd been nice, and maybe a lot like Toki.

Right now that wasn't entirely important; right now he was sitting in a hospital waiting to be told just how messed up his band mate was. The same one he'd spent years tormenting and treating like crap, the same one he'd always looked after and protected, and the same one he'd willingly left to possibly die in a dark dungeon. He knew about the way Toki had grown up, how his parents would throw him into a pit and just leave him there, how they would chain him to a wall and beat him and starve him. From the looks of things that's sort of what this had been like, he knew they could have gotten him a lot sooner. God they really were assholes.

He glanced over at Nathan; he seemed alright, but then again he never changed much. He just sat staring ahead looking pissed off per usual. Swisgaar considering making horribly awkward conversation, but he knew at some point that might end up with being asked why the hell he was still there, and he still had no answer for that. He felt like he should apologize to him, but that wouldn't change a whole lot. Toki had just been through pure Hell, weeks of Hell that they could have prevented or rescued him from sooner if they hadn't been so selfish and been such pussies. He seriously kind of hated himself right now.

He felt nervous when a doctor came out to talk to them, he mostly addressed Nathan. It made sense, he was there for his girlfriend, Swisgaar was sitting in the corner for his friend who he treated like shit. The doctor said she was fine, surprisingly fine for what she'd been through. They were sure there would be some psychological problems and not showing it wasn't exactly healthy, but nothing to worry about right now. They just thought she should seek counseling for the next few weeks to see just how she really was doing. Swisgaar didn't pay much attention, he cared about her, but not the way he cared about Toki. He still wasn't sure which way that was, but it was there. Like there enough that he really couldn't ignore it while he was sober, he really wasn't enjoying the whole sobriety thing at the moment. It was making him think too much about things he wasn't used to thinking on.

He didn't start listening until the doctor talked about Toki's condition. Apparently that was completely different. He was in worse physical condition than Abigail; his mental condition was a lot worse than the physical. He had infected cuts and gashes along his sides, his stomach, back legs, and it looked like somebody had tried to drive something through the palm of his left hand. They had tried talking to him, asking him questions, but he hadn't been very willing to talk. He'd just sat with his legs pulled up against his chest rocking back and forth, it had been hard examining him because he flinched and lashed out when the nurses and doctors touched him. Right now he was medicated, not sleeping, but relaxed enough that they could look over him and make sure there was nothing life threatening. They suggested he stay at the hospital over night, possibly for the next three days just in case he was a danger to himself. Swisgaar hated hearing that, it made him want to punch the doctor in his stupid face. He couldn't imagine Toki trying to hurt himself; even if he did have problems and he got sad he still would never do something like that.

"Cans we sees them?"

The doctor turned to Swisgaar like he just now realized the blonde haired guitarist was even there. He could tell the doctor wanted to say something, but he was smart enough not to. He told them it was fine, told them to go one at a time though. Nathan went first to check on Abigail while Swisgaar waited.

He wasn't sure what he would do or how he would react to seeing Toki. He hated hospitals, doctors, and all of this crap. He wasn't good with feelings or showing those feelings; it was why he'd only had maybe three or four real relationships. He tried to act bored and not caring when Nathan came out with Abigail by his side.

"Hey are you coming with us or what?"

"I'ms going to checks on Toki, dids you talks to him?"

"Uh yeah sort of, he didn't say much."

"He's really messed up right now, try to be nice, okay?" Abigail asked giving the blonde a narrowed stare.

He rolled his eyes at her, but didn't say anything. She'd been through Hell too, she'd been the one to apparently sort of take care of Toki to the best of her ability. She'd tried to keep him from getting too much damage; Swisgaar was actually grateful she'd been there to try and keep the young man safe.

He watched as the other two left, once he was sure they were gone he went into the room where Toki was and would be for the next few days. He was met with the beeping of machines and the smell of cleaning products and a hint of blood. Toki sat on the bed with his legs pulled up against himself, he lifted his head looking in the older man's direction at the sound of the door opening then shutting. The blank far away look in his light blue eyes changed to something more alert and possibly close to happy when he saw the lead guitarist. Swisgaar sat down on a chair next to the bed; he already hated it, hated the almost silence, and all of the cuts and bandages on his friend.

"Sos you knows thats they want to keep me here longer?" Toki asked glancing at him.

Swisgaar ran his fingers back through his hair, he had the urge to nervously play guitar, but instead tapped his fingers against his leg in place of his normal habit.

"Yeah theys told us abouts that, do yous really want to hurts yourself?"

The younger man shrugged and looked away.

"I don'ts know, I don't thinks so. I just really wants to go homes you know, I don't likes having to be here alone."

"I know it's bull shit, buts you have to. Looks I really want to tell yous I'm sorry about whats happened."

"Why, you gots me out didn't yous?"

"Uh yeah buts we could have dones it sooner, a lot sooner."

Much much sooner. He knew he should tell him a lot of things, ask him things, but he just felt so fucking uncomfortable and annoyed with himself. He had a hell of a time looking at him, he looked fragile; it was creepy. He was normally muscular and healthy looking, even with the diabetes thing he still managed to keep in good shape and look really well. Right now he looked like someone who was dying, someone who almost died.

"Yous don't have to stays if you don't want to." Toki whispered

"What whys wouldn't I want to, I just waited forevers to come in here and sees you."

"Yeah I knows, but I knows you hate stuffs like this and yous gots to leave anyway."

"I'm sorry, just this is really hards to do. It's been really fucked up lately, you knows?"

The younger man nodded.

Swisgaar got up, he noticed the disappointed look on the other man's face. He ran his fingers through his wet brown hair, the younger guitarist leaned into the touch. He kept touching him and right now he had literally no reason to be doing this, but he wanted to. Like he was reminding himself that he was real and he was right there, not dead or trapped in that building anymore.

"I'lls come back tomorrow to sees you, okay?"

"Yeah okays, I'm really happy you came for me...It means a lots to me Swisgaar."

He gently brushed his fingers against his cheek before letting his arm drop to his side, he left the hospital feeling weird. Still wondering why he had waited so long to just see the younger man, why he had kept wanting to touch him even if it was to just brush his hair out of his face, why he felt like begging to be forgiven even though he hadn't really done anything wrong. Upon returning home he decided to deal with it the best way that he knew how; drinking until he threw up then passed out on his bedroom floor.


	2. Chapter 2

Things were awkward to say the least. It was hard for things to not be awkward, tense, or completely changed. None of them really felt like acknowledging what had happened, what they had found out about the prophecy. Skwisgaar still had a hard time believing in it; he heard the old man speak about it, had seen and heard a lot of shit, but he still couldn't exactly grasp it. It was funny coming from a place where people worshiped multiple Gods and Goddesses and yet here he couldn't believe him and his band mates were part of some apocalyptic prophecy. Toki was the only one that didn't know about it, nobody told him. It wasn't until he got out of the hospital that Skwisgaar realized just how little they told the rhythm guitarist. They didn't even openly want to admit he'd just been through almost literal Hell, they just pretended nothing was wrong. Toki didn't seem to mind or notice, he wasn't completely there mentally; he would just sit around the kitchen, his room, or the living room and stare off at a wall or the floor. Most of the time he had a drink in hand or his prescription pills, several times Skwisgaar had to remind him to take his diabetic medicine on top of the anti depressants and every other new pill he was on. For whatever reason the blonde seemed to have been placed in charge of the damaged brunette.

He wasn't too upset about it, maybe it was guilt. Thankfully Abigail wasn't in the same condition, they were pretty sure there was something wrong with her, but she hid it for the most part. He had to admit she nearly met Charles when it came to her ability to be very calm and professional in any situation. They wished Toki could be the same way, but he was never really one for hiding his feelings; if anything he was far too open about them. They tried to get him to share less, but it never stuck. It might be part of the reason he would have random break downs in the past or why he would go on drinking binges that of course they all chose to ignore completely. Skwisgaar couldn't figure out why the Hell he considered them all good friends, they sort of treated him badly when they weren't blatantly ignoring him. Even now after everything that happened he was still out of the loop, but he didn't seem to notice.

"Skwisgaar shouldn't you, uh you know talk to him or something?" Nathan asked looking over at the end of the couch where Toki sat curled up with another cup of vodka in hand.

"Whys its always got to be me that takes cares of him?"

The singer shrugged, "I don't know you guys are always together and shit, just figured you're cool with it."

"Yeah man, besides he likes you best." Pickles said

The Swede looked at his band mate, he wasn't really all there; just staring off like he normally did. It was mildly creepy, not as creepy as when he'd wake up screaming in the middle of the night.

"He's not my responsibilities, okay? Just because he's always arounds me doesn't mean I has to take care of him."

Now the brown haired man was staring at him, which made Skwisgaar nervous. He was oddly lifeless except when he was crying, freaking out, or drunk off his ass.

"Fucks, fine I'll takes him to his room."

Skwisgaar placed his guitar on the floor, he stood and approached the younger man offering his hand to him. Toki looked at him for a couple of seconds before grabbing hold of his hand, Murderface and Pickles snickered.

"Shuts up" the blonde muttered glaring at his friends.

He lead the younger man out of the room and towards his bedroom, he seemed more comfortable there half of the time. He seemed more comfortable when there weren't that many people around. Skwisgaar had a difficult time guiding him through the halls considering the younger man could hardly walk without stumbling.

"Damn it, seriously Toki whys you have to get so drunk?"

The other man mumbled something that was probably supposed to resemble a result, but just sounding incoherent. Skwisgaar pulled one of the shorter man's arms around his shoulder trying to balance him; if he couldn't get him to walk then he might as well drag him. At least nobody was around to see, it wasn't as bad as when he'd had to actually carry him bridal style last week when he'd been so drunk they thought he would have to go to the hospital.

"I cans walk you know"

"Yeah sure, that's whys you can't even lifts your fucking feet offs the ground. C'mon we're almost to your room."

He had a hard time getting the door open while trying to balance his band mate, an even harder time getting him inside, closing the door, and then not all too gently dropping him onto his twin sized bed. Skwisgaar turned to leave, but a hand wrapped tightly around his wrist pulling him back causing him to fall onto the bed.

"Nows what?"

Toki was staring at him, he looked a bit more lucid; drunk as fucking Hell and back, but at least he was less zombie like right now.

"Cans you stays with me, don't really wanna be alones right now."

The younger man was leaning against him, head on his shoulder; he considered shoving him away and telling him to fuck off. Then he thought about what he'd been through and then all the shit he'd been through before that and how they'd sort of just ignored him hoping it'd go away.

Skwisgaar sighed heavily, he leaned back against the wall not arguing or commenting how gay it was when the younger man wrapped an arm around his waist. He was grateful that nobody really cared about what they were doing right now, he couldn't imagine how much they'd tease him if they saw Toki wrapped around him.

"I really wish you'd stops with drinking so much, it's not goods for yous."

"Reallys, you drinks all the times and do drugs." He said glaring up at the older man.

"Yeah, buts I'm not some little baby who does it to deal withs my problems."

Toki pulled away leaning against the wall, Skwisgaar kind of missed having the younger man against him.

"I wouldn't haves to if you guys woulds talk to me, buts you always says that feelings is gays so I don't talks about them."

It possibly hadn't been a good idea to tell him that, but they had to. They made the rule after Magnus left to not care about each other, even if that in the end failed miserably. It saved a lot of pain, they always worried that the next guitarist they got into the band could end up the same way and none of them wanted to feel that betrayed again. Just they should have realized the wide eyed homeless teen they placed in their band didn't have the capability to turn into a malicious backstabbing prick like Magnus had turned out to be.

"Wes only tells you that to...It's just a rule we mades before yous came along."

Toki pulled his legs up against himself again.

"Nobody talks to mes about whats just happened. Even Abigail doesn't wants to talks about it withs me...Sos I drink so maybe I forgets it"

Skwisgaar ran his fingers back through his hair; he really needed to pay better attention to the guitarist.

"Looks you knows I don't do well with the feelings thing or sharing or any of thats..."

He didn't want to hear about it or know what all they had done to him, he just liked not knowing and not having to think about it. It was really selfish of him, but he couldn't help it; bad enough he knew what kind of childhood his friend had had and he still was pissed when he thought on that one.

"I cares, okay, you knows that...Maybe yous can tell me things instead of drinking all the times."

"You means it?"

"Yeah sure"

The younger man smiled, he moved closer to the lead guitarist resting his head on his shoulder. Skwisgaar glanced towards the door before wrapping an arm around the younger man's middle pulling him closer against his side. He wasn't sure if he'd even care if somebody walked in right now, he just sort of liked being this close to the younger man. It made him feel like he could protect him if he was close to him, even if half the time he was doing a horrible job of it.

He looked down to see Toki asleep.

"I promise I'll takes better cares of you" He whispered, he ran his fingers through his long brown hair.


	3. Chapter 3

The sounds of him crying and screaming could actually be heard through the walls, that's how intense it was, and how long it would carry on for. Skwisgaar lie awake in his bed silently hoping that somebody else would tend to the rhythm guitarist. His phone buzzed casting a blue light in the mostly dark room, he reached over picking it up off of the night stand to see who had messaged him.

'Go fucking take care of him'- Nathan

The guitarist tossed his phone onto the bed, he took his time getting up and pulling his jeans on. It had to be four in the morning, he had a mild hang over, the screaming from the brown haired man's bedroom wasn't helping all too much, and now he had to go calm him down. He tried to remember who had done it last time, but to be perfectly honest he was pretty sure he'd done it last time as well. He really did wish somebody else would tend to him, even if that did sound mean. He wanted to be good with these things, but he wasn't; he had been raised to just man the fuck up at a very early age. His mom had never been around and when she had been there was generally another step father for him, another man who beat him around and insulted him. He'd learned by age nine that crying and telling his mom didn't change anything, he'd just turned sadness into anger, and everything else into his passion for music. It did annoy him that Toki couldn't learn to do the same thing, but he'd seen how much the young man could repress and just how bad it got over time.

As he made his way to Toki's room he wondered how long until he'd start to get over this. He wondered why therapy didn't seem to be doing much and why the Hell he always ended up having terrible nightmares that caused him to have fits. They were pretty sure he didn't even sleep all that much anymore, he only slept if he was over medicating himself or if he was drinking himself to sleep. Skwisgaar tried to make sure he didn't over do his medications, but it was really difficult to keep an eye on another person let alone a grown man. He had problems watching out for himself let alone somebody else, he really wasn't sure how to handle it, and he hated that he didn't.

He went from a slow pace to full out running when he heard something break in the direction of the rhythm guitarist's room. He pushed open the door and stepped inside to find Toki on the floor curled up in the fetal position, a broken lamp on the ground, and his feet bloody from where he'd kicked or stepped on the broken shards of glass. Skwisgaar knelt in front of him minding the glass on the floor, he cautiously placed a hand on the younger man's shoulder. He wasn't too surprised when his hand was hit away, the younger man whimpered either from pain or fear. Skwisgaar tried again, this time placing his hand lightly on top of his head; his fingers ran through damp brown locks.

"Heys it's me, c'mon little Toki" He whispered trying to get his band mate out of whatever state he was in right now.

He did this a lot, even when he was awake he would do this. Something would just make him go; they were used to seeing him be put under too much stress and lose it in the form of violent rage, but this was different. He didn't really get violent he just got scared, usually cried or screamed; they were less sure how to handle him this way. Though nobody really wanted to go near him when he wanted to beat any human he saw half to death.

"Relax it's okays, I promise. Ja that's it just relax, come ons"

Toki's body relaxed, he lifted his head looking at the older man through bleary tear filled eyes. If he had slept it hadn't been for too long; most of the time he slept he just had nightmares.

"I needs to clean your feet, yous cuts yourself."

The brunette looked down just now noticing the broken lamp and the blood on the soles of his feet. He nodded slightly not speaking or arguing when Skwisgaar got up and went into the bathroom to get the first aid kit. They had decided a good while ago to just go ahead and put one in the rhythm guitarist's bathroom since he was the one who seemed to hurt himself the most, generally on accident.

He returned to find the other man still where he had left him, that wasn't too big of a surprise. He didn't fight or squirm when Skwisgaar began removing the glass from his skin and cleaning the cuts, he just stared off like he normally did. It freaked them all out wondering when or if he'd return to normal; they usually just waited it out. This seemed like something they couldn't do that to. Once he was finished he set the box to the side, he helped the younger man up and back onto his bed. He didn't even allow the thought of going to his own room cross his mind, he knew that wasn't going to happen anytime soon. He leaned back against the headboard; Toki wrapped an arm around his waist and rest his head against his chest, Skwisgaar held him against his side.

"I hads a nightmare thats they killed me"

The blonde gently rubbed at his back, he allowed him to talk.

"I thoughts when I woke up that I was still there, it looked like theres, and I guess I freaked out. Sorry, I knows I do this a lot, it's fucking stupids."

"It's not stupids Toki, yous went through a lot."

"I shoulds get over it though, ja?" he asked looking up at his band mate.

Skwisgaar brushed his hair back out of his face, fingers lightly touching his cheek.

"No, it's...Looks everything is very weird right now ands we all have a lot to deals with."

The younger man still looked unsure, at least he wasn't zoned out.

"I knows when I get this way like when my parents came here or after my dad died and all of that, that yous guys were annoyed with me. I'm trying reals hard to get over this, I really am, bu-but I can't."

He sounded frustrated, he looked away again like he was too embarrassed to look the older man in the eye.

"It doesn't annoy us Toki, we just...Looks when Magnus was in the bands..."

He felt Toki tense at the mention of the previous guitarist's name, Skwisgaar ran a hand up along his arm hoping to get him to relax; he couldn't blame him for not even wanting to hear that name. Hell they'd all hoped they'd never hear that name again.

"We cared abouts him a lot, he was a very good friends of ours. Then he sort of just, well lost his shit basically; it freaked us outs seeing him thats way. One second he was normals then he just went, well you knows how he...Anyways we agreed thats if we got another guitarist that wes wouldn't cares about them. If we didn't care or at least said we don't cares then if our new guitarist turned out likes Magnus then it wouldn't hurt as badly."

He remembered the fight that had happened when they had kicked Magnus out of the band, remembered how pissed off he had been. He remembered how scared they'd been the next day to see he'd written on the living room wall in blood that he would have his revenge, for months they'd all been on edge waiting for the crazy bastard to attack them or their families. They didn't know what he would do, he was obviously off in the head, and for the most part they hadn't seen it coming. They hadn't taken the time to pay attention if there had been any signs. Thinking about it he realized that if they had paid more attention this time around then they would have noticed and stopped Toki from getting so close to the crazy fuck.

"Sos you didn't want mes to end up like him, I don't think I could be like that. He told me I shoulds be like him, because you guys don't cares about me. I feel like shit, because I sort of believed him when he said thats to me. I know yous guys care, just never say it or nothing."

"I'm sorry abouts that, we shouldn't have isolated yous when you joined our band. You aren't Magnus, at all...Just it seemed safer that ways, I was always close to him so it really was dildos when he turned on us. That's part of the reason I always treats you like garbage."

He never had anything against the guy; he wasn't sure why in Hell they had thought that the brown haired homeless boy would ever turn out like Magnus. He was too innocent and happy, he'd never really cared about making money or getting laid; he'd just wanted a place to live and people who wanted him around. They had just always sort of waited for something to change for the worst, Skwisgaar had been nice enough to him when he'd first joined the band; over time things had changed.

Toki sat up so he could more easily make eye contact with the blonde haired man.

"I remembers when I joined the band, yous were always real nice to me. Used to compliment me and everythings, I always wondered what I did wrong to make you hate me."

"I don't hates you, don't be stupid"

He knew in a weird way that was how they connected; competing, fighting, and bullying each other. Even if most of the time Skwisgaar was the one doing the bullying, it was just their way of communication. He had never thought once that it actually bothered the younger man until the few times when he would just snap and go off about how badly he'd been treated.

"It's hards to tell sometimes, like now; I knows you listens to me when I talks about things about what they did to me. Just I also knows you don't wants to have to take cares of me and that you don't wants to hear these things. I really am trying to be braver, but I've never been good at that." He smiled sadly

Skwisgaar sat up, he caressed the younger man's cheek noting on the way he leaned into his touch.

"I tolds you it's hard to handle and it's really hard to listen to yous talks about these things. You are braves though, the things you told me happened to yous as a child...Nobody coulds have survived thats, but somehow you dids."

It was hard to believe how much Hell one person could go through before even turning eighteen. A couple of times he'd wondered if he himself could have survived the kind of childhood that Toki had had, but realized he couldn't have. It would have killed him completely, but it didn't do that to the brunette; it just somehow made him a better person. Far too forgiving and overly trusting, always trusting and forgiving the worst people.

"I thoughts about you a lot when I was there, I knows that sounds really creepy, but I did. Abigail told me to think about things that makes me happy. You and the others do that, but I still thought about you a lots too."

"Do you haves that many good memories of me, I figured they'd mostly be bad ones." He said smirking

"Nos I gots lots of good ones, mostly when we first met. We used to hangs out a lot and you'd teach me things on guitar and tell me how talented I ams. I used to have nightmares then too and you'd be theres for me and never made funs of me for crying or nothing. I always really liked having yous around Skwisgaar, I still do."

The blonde took hold of his hand brushing his thumb along his knuckles.

"I'm goings to not be so means to you, okay? It's just a stupids waste of time. I still thinks you're a great guitarist, not as great as me, but still goods. I missed yous a lot, I wish you were better"

Toki smiled, he leaned in closer to the older man.

"I feels better when I gots you around, it was really weirds not being around you."

His bright blue eyes looked over the blonde haired man sitting before him; he looked more awake right now than he had for days. Skwisgaar placed a hand on the back of his neck his fingers rubbing against his skin, he could feel his breath warm against his face. He could pretty much guess where this could and would go unless he said something.

"I'm always here little Tokis"

He didn't objectify when lips pressed against his, he felt the man kissing him was more unsure than he was. He tangled his fingers in the younger man's hair holding him still as he kissed him back taking control of the situation. Toki wrapped his arms around the older man's shoulders, he lay back on the bed pulling Skwisgaar down on top of him. The blonde bit at his lower lip, he kissed along his jawline and down along the side of his neck; Toki groaned in response to the lips on his neck and the hands wandering up his sides. He felt the younger man press up against him, he took hold of his hips pushing him back down against the bed. Skwisgaar broke away looking down at his friend, he traced his index finger along his jawline.

"No, go to sleeps"

Toki narrowed his eyes at the blonde, he rolled his hips allowing Skwisgaar to see just how awake he was at the moment.

He kissed him, not as long this time to the disappointment of the rhythm guitarist.

"Please, I really needs this"

"No yours just confused and maybe a little drunk. It'd be a bad ideas"

They shouldn't even have kissed, but it had felt nice. The younger man looked feminine minus the facial hair, he spent so much time around Skwisgaar, and they could have lost him. He found himself kissing the brown haired man again, slowly this time; Toki's body pressed up against his, Skwisgaar placed a hand on the small of his back feeling along the map of scars. He felt his friend shudder when he touched them, ran his fingers along them almost tracing them; he'd seen them enough times to know how they looked from memory. He broke away from the kiss again, this time getting up from the bed completely. Toki sat up looking hurt and lost, the far off look was staring to come back to his light colored eyes.

"Your leavings" he muttered looking away

"Ja I gots to, we shouldn't..We shouldn't do that, this; it's a really bads idea."

He expected some argument or maybe even a plea to stay, but instead Toki remained silent. He didn't meet the older man's eyes like he was just too ashamed about what had happened. Skwisgaar left his room returning to his own; he didn't notice until he looked out the window that the sun was rising.


	4. Chapter 4

Skwisgaar really hadn't wanted to spend time alone with Toki so soon after what had happened between them, he for some reason assumed the rhythm guitarist would be too embarrassed to bring it up.

"Why do I have to practice?" The younger man whined as he slid farther down the couch, his guitar laying across his lap.

"You haven't played for a long time Toki."

"Can't we just hang out?"

"No, the others want me to help you get better at playing guitar again."

They had tried practicing together, but had to stop upon the realization that Toki's playing had gotten really bad. He'd always had his moments of bad playing, mostly it seemed to get bad if Skwisgaar was around. After he got back though it seemed to have gotten even worse, he'd hit the wrong notes, his fingers moved too slowly, or his hand would shake too badly to hit any chord at all. It wasn't like Murderface was playing all that great either, but he never had been very good in the first place.

"I'm not bad at it, I just don't want to play."

"We need to record and we need two guitarists for that." The older man chastised.

Toki sighed heavily, he picked his guitar back up, sat up straight, and again attempted to play. Just simple notes, things he should know, and for the first few seconds it sounded alright. That was until his breathing got heavy, his hands shook, and he started to mess up.

"Fuck, why do we have to do this? I really don't want to Skwisgaar." He looked over at the older man looking hopeful that he'd cave in about this.

He'd considered just telling him they could stop, but he knew that Nathan would rip into his ass if he just let Toki off so easily.

"No try again, c'mon Toki I know you aren't this shit at playing guitar. Just focus."

"I am focusing, I just can't do it. It's really hard and then I just sort of get nervous and think about things I don't wanna think about."

He shook his head, long hair falling over his face.

"Just don't think about it."

Lame thing to say, further proven by the way the younger man was now glaring at him.

"You guys can not think about it, but I can't; it happened to me."

"Yeah I know, but we really need you to...Well not suck"

"Is that the only reason you came for me, just to play stupid guitar?"

He shoved the guitar on the floor, frustrated.

Skwisgaar looked towards the door just to be completely sure nobody planned on coming in to see how things were going. He scooted closer to the dark haired man, he wrapped an arm around his waist pulling him against his side.

"No we got you, because you're family."

"Right that's why everybody talks behind my back and why you act weird around me."

Skwisgaar pushed the younger man's hair out of his face and back behind his ear, Toki glanced at him then looked away again. The blonde haired man placed two fingers beneath his chin turning his face towards him.

"Stop acting like a baby, it's really annoying."

"I'm not being a baby" He muttered narrowing his eyes at the other man.

Skwisgaar smirked, it was sort of cute when he pouted.

"There's lots of things going on, you know that. We're just trying to get back to some kind of normal, a new kind I guess."

Toki looked down then back up at the older man, "Why don't we talk about what happened, between us?"

"Because it was a stupid idea and we should just forget about it."

"Why's it stupid?"

"You just went through a lot, you just hate being alone, and it's not like you actually want to do that with me."

He liked thinking the idea was ridiculous, except the part where it wasn't; the young guitarist was always with him, watching him, and trying to be like him. It wasn't like the younger man thinking about him sexually was a weird thought.

"I'm not that stupid, I always liked you, and I kind of really liked you when I first joined the band. I really hate being alone, but I want you to make me feel less alone."

"That's really gay Toki" Skwisgaar replied smirking

The younger man visibly relaxed, a small smile playing at his lips.

He felt a hand on his knee slowly moving up along his inner thigh. Skwisgaar placed a hand on the younger man's cheek, he pressed his lips to his kissing him gently. It didn't feel like he was doing anything wrong, not taking advantage of him. That's what he didn't want to do, he didn't want to find out Toki was just lonely and Skwisgaar was the only one who would even consider doing this with him. He didn't exactly put any thought into any other bad side that could come from doing this, he couldn't really come up with many thoughts at all.

Skwisgaar pushed the younger man back onto the couch, he climbed on top of him straddling his lap. His hand slid up under his shirt feeling across his trim body and the still fresh scars along his sides. Toki tangled his fingers in the older man's golden hair giving a small tug, the Swede bit the side of the other man's neck stifling a moan at the sensation of having his hair pulled. He enjoyed the feeling of the guitarist's body pressed up against his, he ground down against him drawing a moan from him.

"Quiet I don't want the others hearing us."

Toki nodded in agreement, he bit his lower lip to try and keep from making anymore sounds. It lasted until Skwisgaar's hand was pressed against his crotch rubbing firmly. He kissed the dark haired man finding it an easier way to keep him quiet, he smiled against his lips when Toki bucked up against his hand trying to get himself off. The lead guitarist pulled his hand away frustrating his partner.

"Why'd you do that?"

"Not really a fun way to get off, is it?" He asked smirking up at the other man.

He kissed him again more roughly this time, he quickly unfastened Toki's jeans slipping a hand inside. The brown haired man gave Skwigaar's hair another tug when the guitarist's hand wrapped firmly around his cock giving it a long stroke. He broke away form the kiss, he moved down between the younger man's legs; he locked eyes with him as he ran his tongue over the head of his cock. He smiled to himself at the almost feminine moan his friend let out each time he ran his tongue along the length of his dick, he took the head into his mouth sucking lightly; the tip of his tongue sliding back and forth over the slit. Swkisgaar placed his other hand against the dark haired man's hip to keep him from bucking up into his mouth. He took more of his length into his mouth sucking harder, his head moving in time with his hand. He looked back up at the other man, his head was thrown back against the arm of the couch, and he had a hand over his mouth doing his best to muffle the obscene things he was saying in his native tongue. Skwisgaar always enjoyed when he wasn't speaking in English, he spoke more clearly, and something about it made his voice slightly deeper.

The blonde pulled almost all the way off leaving only the tip in his mouth, he returned to light sucking while he circled the head with his tongue. Toki's frustrated moans and cursing increased, he removed his hand from over his mouth instead placing it on the back of the Swedish man's head pushing downards.

"Fuck Skwis, please"

Skwisgaar moaned around his dick sending vibrations through his partner earning a possibly too loud moan followed by a shallow thrust. According to the fast rise and fall of the younger man's chest and how hard his nails were digging into his scalp it seemed he was close. Skwisgaar took his length into his mouth all the way to the hilt, the sound Toki made was most likely very easily heard outside of the recording room. If anybody heard he'd lie and say one of them hurt themselves or got into a fight.

He bobbed his head up and down along his length, tongue tracing the vein along the underside. He pulled almost all the way off when Toki began to cum inside of his mouth, he went at a slower pace his tongue gently caressing the guitarist's flesh as he rode out his orgasm. His body went limp against the couch, the vice grip he had on the older man's head relaxed; now he was just merely petting his head like he was apologizing for pulling at his hair. Skwisgaar pulled off of him, he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. He moved back to the other side of the couch waiting for the other man to tuck himself back inside of his jeans and steady his breathing.

"I didn't think you'd do something like that."

"Told you before I would suck a guy's dick."

"What about you?" Toki asked gesturing to the obvious bulge in the older man's jeans.

"Couches aren't really great places to fuck, maybe later in my room. Right now I want you to get back to practicing guitar, you should be more relaxed now. Yeah?"

The younger man sighed heavily, but didn't give an argument. He picked his guitar back up off of the floor and went back to trying to play. He did slightly better this time, he managed to go nearly one minute without his hands shaking or without getting angry with himself. Skwisgaar kept himself from pointing out his mistakes; he knew it didn't really help to insult him other than it entertained himself. He made him go at it for another hour before deciding it was best to stop for the day, he could tell it was stressing him out again, and the more stressed he was the worse he played.


	5. Chapter 5

Well he was waking up in his own bed, that was a good sign. It wasn't like he had been any drunker than usual last night. Just something about the current situation and the actions leading up to it felt odd. It felt odd wrapping his arm around a slender figure, placing his hand over a flat chest. It was weird that without opening his eyes he knew the figure pressed against him wasn't a woman like it normally was. It didn't necessarily freak him out, it just felt odd, and he wasn't sure just how okay with it he was at the moment. He had to admit that seeing Toki sleep peacefully for the first time since they had rescued him was nice, it wouldn't last, but at least for one night he seemed to actually have gotten sleep.

A quick look at his phone told him it was after four in the afternoon, which meant everybody else was definitely awake, and probably wondering why they weren't.

Skwisgaar got out of bed, dressed then attempted to wake his band mate up.

"Come on Toki you got to get up, I really don't need the guys wondering where the fuck you are."

He really didn't want to answer why Toki was sleeping in his bed, naked, or why the room smelled like sex.

"C'mon, fuck...Fine, I'll get your ass up later."

He doubted anybody bothered to check, it always seemed to be his job anyway. Besides this was the most sleep the rhythm guitarist had gotten for a long while. If anybody asked then he'd just lie and say he was probably in his own bedroom, hopefully nobody would check on that. He wasn't sure what the big deal would be, other than how awkward explaining that would be, or how his band mates might accuse him of using the younger man. That and the fact he'd had sex with another man, none of them were homophobic...Well maybe Murderface, but it wasn't exactly an open casual topic between the five of them. Besides he didn't need to worry about that, nobody would ask, because Toki was generally his responsibility.

Skwisgaar found his other band mates in the living room, watching TV like they normally did. He wondered where Abigail was at, he figured she was in the recording studio working on everything they were too lazy to do. He felt bad she ended up with the majority of their work, especially at this point with the way things seemed to be going.

He sat down at the end of the couch hoping nobody would ask about the other guitarist, it lasted about twelve seconds.

"So how'd it go with Toki yesterday?" Pickles asked just barely looking in the blonde's direction.

"Um fine, I guess; I mean he's still completely dildos at guitar, but I guess he sucks less now."

He'd gotten slightly better when he'd been less nervous, but still nowhere near how he used to be. The cuts on his hands didn't exactly help his playing all that much.

"How long do you think it's going to be until he can actually play, because we sort of need to get this shit done soon." Nathan asked

"I don't know, I'll work with him more; tonight or something like that. If he still sucks then I'll just cover rhythm like I usually do, you know, because he's shit at guitar half the time anyway."

The singer grunted in disapproval, "No way, Abigail said he has to play. Uh well one of those weird old guys said that to her to say to us...Yeah, but yeah he has to play; not you."

"Fine I'll work with him today and tomorrow or whatever...Hey Murderface what the fuck is wrong with your skin?"

They all looked to the bassist who still had an arm bandaged from where he'd been scratched. There were thick vine like black lines going from under the bandage, up his arm, and onto his chest and neck. They had noticed, but hadn't really mentioned it. Except occasionally it would begin to have this purple glow to it and it was getting really hard to just ignore.

"It's no big fucking deal, fucking rash or some shit. Stop staring at me like that you fucking assholes."

"He's right, that shit is really weird looking man. Should get that checked out." The drummer said trying to touch one of the black lines.

The bassist smacked his hand away shooting the red head a look.

"I'm not going to no fucking doctor, I fucking hate doctors. It's just a fucking rash and it looks cool, at least I'm not all fucked up and stupid like Toki."

"Shut up dildos, he's been through a lot." Skwisgaar snapped back at the older man.

The others looked at him making him feel slightly uncomfortable. It wasn't like he'd never defended the younger man, it just very rarely seemed to happen. It especially didn't happen when their band mates were around.

"Speaking of, where is Toki at anyway?" Pickles asked changing the topic.

"Probably in his room, sleeping or something." The guitarist responded

"Maybe I should go check on him, he gets really freaky when he's alone a lot."

"Wait no, I'll go check on him...I mean it's...I should, I should do it, besides he's like my responsibility or some shit, right?" The Swede said as he got up and quickly left the room.

Smooth, definitely very smooth; it wasn't like anybody would really give a shit, but he could have been less weird.

He found the rhythm guitarist still sleeping on his bed, not surprising in the least. Skwisgaar got on the bed and began shaking the younger man's shoulder until he grunted and pushed his hand away.

"Wake up idiot, the others are wondering where you're at."

Toki rolled over onto his side facing away from the older man, he pulled the fur blanket up over his head signaling for Skwisgaar to leave him alone.

"Fine we'll go with your way."

Skwisgaar jerked the blanket away then grabbed hold of the younger man by his ankles, he roughly pulled him from the bed and onto the floor with a loud thump. Toki groaned and began cursing in his native tongue, he sat up rubbing at the back of his head while glaring up at the blond haired man who smirked down at him.

"Asshole, why'd you do that for?"

"I told you to get up, get dressed; the guys are wondering where the fuck you're at."

"So just tell them" He muttered as he got up and went to find his pants wherever the hell they had been thrown the night before.

"Right so tell them I fucked your brains out instead of teaching you to play guitar, right that would sound good."

"You know what I mean, just I slept here." He responded as he pulled his jeans on nearly tripping and falling over.

"That's gay Toki"

"So is fucking another guy, but you did that. Twice actually." He said smiling at the older man

"Whatever just get dressed and don't fucking say you were in my room or anything else."

He heard the younger man mutter something as he left the room, but couldn't catch it.

The rest of the band were still in the living room, minus Murderface who had apparently gotten pissed at them for asking so many questions about the black marks going up his injured arm. When Toki came into the room Skwisgaar noticed everybody talked a lot less. They did that when the younger man was around; for whatever reason they figured that he didn't notice, but he obviously did. He sat there awkwardly, sometimes trying to talk, but generally being ignored or talked over. From time to time Skwisgaar would talk to him, answer him when he would ask something, and if they actually wanted to talk then they would slip out of speaking English so that their band mates wouldn't understand what they were talking about. It made the rhythm guitarist feel less isolated, but he still couldn't figure out why his other friends were treating him like he was a stranger even though they'd known him for years now. Skwisgaar knew it was out of built up guilt, everybody wanted to apologize, but nobody really wanted to do the apologizing part of that. So instead they would either act like nothing had happened when Toki was around or they would ignore him as well as the problem. It took maybe an hour of this for the brown haired man to get up, go to the liquor cabinet and grab out a bottle of vodka. Skwisgaar knew by now to not say anything, anytime the guitarist got into one of his drinking binges telling him to stop ended with a pissed off Norwegian on top of you trying to kick your ass.

He thought about the last time Toki had actually beaten on him, he remembered it hurt like Hell, and it was definitely his fault the generally passive guitarist had been that pissed off. They forgot just how strong he was, he never got physically violent; it was like he was scared to get that way. None of them were really sure why, none of them really wanted to ask; if they ever wanted to know anything about each other they just went through their band therapist, it seemed less stupid if they did it that way. Skwisgaar knew a lot about Toki, they usually found plenty of time to isolate themselves from the others to talk about shit the others would say was getting too personal or not brutal, or lately things that were very very gay.

Right now he wished the others weren't in the room so he could try and get the now half empty bottle of vodka away from the younger man. Pickles and Nathan were too busy talking to each other about the record and how they needed to be careful with this one, because of everything at stake this time around. They would give the occasional glance in Toki's direction then look at Skwisgaar like they were subtly asking him to take care of it.

It got tiring after awhile; the lead guitarist got up from his spot, he grabbed Toki by his arm and dragged him out into the hallway where he knew the others couldn't really hear them talking or yelling if it went that way. The rhythm guitarist wasn't steady on his feet, when Skwisgaar released his arm he stumbled back against the wall, he laughed when he nearly fell over his own feet. It wasn't too hard to grab the bottle out of his hand, it was slightly more difficult when he had a drunken guitarist trying to grab it from him though. He placed a hand firmly against the younger man's chest pushing him back against the wall.

"No, what did I even say about this anyway?"

"I don't know, I don't really care either."

"I told you not to drink so much, you get weird when you drink, and you already have enough issues."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You've been through a lot, you're on five different types of pills, and you really don't need to be drinking this much."

Toki tried grabbing the bottle again, Skwisgaar pushed him away; he really liked when his friend was too drunk to actually fight.

"You guys always tell me not to do things that you do all the time, your the one who got me into drinking and stuff anyway."

It probably hadn't been a great idea to introduce the way too innocent eighteen year old kid from a very disturbingly religious family to drugs and booze.

How were they supposed to know he'd get so attached to alcohol?

"We didn't know you'd be a fucking drunk every time something bad happens. God Tokis if you want fucking attention you got it, now knock it off."

This time when he pushed the younger man away he just kept a hand on his shoulder to keep him pressed back against the wall. The other man tried to move, but he kept him away.

"I just hate it, nobody talks to me. I just get ignored and you guys all talk about pro-prophecy stuff or whatever an-and I don't know what's going on half the time. Then I got weird dreams and I feel funny and it's like I'm not even...It's like nobody wants me around and you don't want the guys knowing that w-"

Skwisgaar placed his hand over the brunette's mouth to keep him from saying the last part.

"Shut up dude, okay yeah I know we're being weird with you lately. It's just a lot of shit going on; like a lot of shit. Nobody hates you, so stop pouting like that; it's cute then it just gets stupid. You know we all really suck at this whole...Feelings thing, the others will get more comfortable around you soon. Just right now things are strange, just stop acting like a brat when you want attention."

He pulled his hand away, Toki crossed his arms over his chest; his hair was hanging over his face and he was staring up at the older man going between wanting to be pissed and wanting to apologize for acting like a child.

"I can still talk to you right?"

"Yeah you little idiot, you can still talk to me." Skwisgaar said running his fingers back through the guitarist's brown hair.

"I have to spend more time with you today anyway, Nathan wants me to teach you to play guitar."

"I can play, I just get nervous; why do I have to work on it so much?"

"Prophecy stuff, I'll tell you later; I promise, right?"

Toki visibly relaxed, he was still drunk as Hell, but at least he wasn't acting bratty at the moment. Skwisgaar glanced down the hallway to make sure they were alone, he leaned down kissing the shorter man quickly. He liked the faint blush on his cheeks when he broke away.

"Come on dildos I have to give you guitar lessons."


	6. Chapter 6

"You know this isn't how practice goes, right?"

Toki glanced up at him, he shrugged.

"This is how it usually goes, I watch you play guitar. That's how it always is."

His only comfort was knowing nobody cared enough to check to see how things were going. This was how it normally went though; Skwisgaar would play guitar for an hour or two while Toki just sat there watching him. It had always been that way, he didn't mind it, but it frustrated him how the dark haired man never played except on stage and sometimes when they recorded. They weren't sure if it was because he was lazy, his short attention span, or he didn't understand the part where he did in fact actually have to play guitar more than when they were doing shows. Not like the Swede disliked having somebody who wasn't a groupie look at him with adoration when he played, it was a good change.

"Yeah but we aren't supposed to do this. I don't even understand how you're so go-decent at playing when you never even fucking practice. I mean shit I even record most of your parts when we are working."

He also had to do Murderface's parts and occasionally he had to do Pickles drum tracks when the red head was too wasted to even move let alone play. He often thought he could just have his own one man band, he seemed to be the only one who could focus on music and music only for hours even days on end with little to no breaks.

"I don't know, I just play, and I guess I'm really good at it."

"Decent" The older man corrected

He really did sort of hate that Toki was as good if not slightly better than him at guitar, the man rarely practiced. It just seemed like some natural miracle that he was a master at guitar.

Toki rolled his eyes at the other man's correction, he moved closer to him resting his chin on his shoulder.

"No I'm good at it, you told me that when I first joined the band...I did practice a lot though, when I first started. It was like an escape or something like that for me. Peaceful." He mused as he watched Skwisgaar's fingers play over the cords of his guitar.

"You still have to practice, besides guitar skills means more groupie sluts."

"I don't want them though."

Skwisgaar stopped playing long enough to give the younger man a questioning look.

"Really, why the hell not?"

"I don't know, just seems kind of pointless to me...I like being in a band cause I got you guys and I like music, but I really don't care about sex with women or anything."

It wasn't a surprising revelation, it was just strange for him to hear the rhythm guitarist actually say it. They had always kind of wondered if Toki was gay or just too dumb to really get that half the fun of being famous was all of the women throwing themselves at you at all times of the day.

"So I guess...Are you gay?"

"You had sex with me, you tell me." He said smirking up at the older man.

Skwisgaar sat his guitar to the side, he placed a hand on the back of the other man's head pulling him close and kissing him hard.

"Yeah?"

"I don't know, I never even thought about sex much until I joined the band. It was always just bad I guess, not allowed." He said trying to find the right way to explain it.

"Right I remember you saying you were a virgin, figured you were joking about that."

"Nobody really brags about that kind of thing, I like women...Just not a lot, like that way. I can have sex with women, I just don't always really enjoy it."

"Seriously that's weird, am I the first guy you've hooked up with?"

Toki pulled away leaning back against the arm of the couch, he laid his legs across the blonde haired man's lap.

"No, there was another guy; one night stand thing."

"When did that happen?"

"I don't remember, it was a long time ago. It was nice."

"How long have you been interested in me?" He asked placing a hand on the younger man's leg.

"Long time, like really; you kind of gave me a place to live and I used to really idolize you. I've always thought about it, never thought about doing anything about it until after what happened with Magnus. I guess I just thought fuck it. Probably wouldn't have had a chance with you if it weren't for that happening." he smiled sadly

"What gives you that idea?"

"You feel bad, that's it, right?"

Skwisgaar got up, he sat on top of the younger man straddling his lap. He leaned down so that they were face to face, his long hair fell down hiding their faces from anybody who could walk in and basically guess what was going on.

"I'm a dick, a complete fucking dick. Yeah I feel guilty as shit about what happened. I felt guilty about making out with you and then telling you it was a mistake. It's really hard knowing what to do right now. I don't really have any hang ups about my sexuality so it's nothing like that."

"So what then?" Toki asked, he seemed interested in what the older man was trying to say.

He was even more interested in having Skwisgaar on top of him and close enough to kiss him.

"You're like my little responsibility, I don't mind it. I like it a lot. I'm not doing this out of guilt, I'm doing this because I really enjoy doing this. I just think you have much better options."

Toki loosely wrapped his arms around the other man's neck.

"I don't like the other options, they're really boring. I like those stories with knights saving princesses and stuff, I guess this is like that."

Skwisgaar laughed despite the younger man's glaring.

"So that makes you the princess, not surprising. You are really feminine Tokis, my little idiot." He whispered, he kissed him gently noting how eagerly the other man kissed back.

They kissed again, each time lasting longer, and going at a much more sensual pace until the blonde haired man pulled away.

"Why'd you stop?"

"This isn't exactly what I'd call a private area, we can keep going later."

"Does this mean we're done practicing for the day?" Toki asked hopefully.

"Sure might as well, I mean it though; you really need to actually work on this. Alone, with me, or whatever. Nathan is sort of on my ass about this shit, it's important Toki."

"Yeah okay, I promise I'll practice."

Skwisgaar got up from the couch, he kissed the other man on the top of the head then headed for the door.

"Good then I'll go lie to the others and say we actually made progress today."


	7. Chapter 7

He enjoyed it when they were alone, with little to no chance of anybody coming in and catching them. He wondered if Toki minded it being this way, he really doubted if he noticed most of the time. Right now he didn't seem to care about much other than desperately trying to unfasten the older man's pants. Skwisgaar couldn't help, but laugh at his failed attempts, the younger man blushed and cursed at him. The pouting was cute, he was so immature; the blonde haired man kissed him deeply taking his mind off of it. He pushed his hands out of the way unfastening his pants himself, he managed to remove them without breaking their kiss. The brown haired man's tongue was prodding inside of his mouth, the occasional nip at his lower lip, and a growl deep in his throat. He really enjoyed it when he growled, it was a strangely erotic sound to hear. Nearly as erotic and strange at the dangerous light in his bright blue eyes that came on every time he was aroused. Fuck he seriously liked the way that Toki was looking at him, he liked the way his fingers were digging into the back of his neck pulling him down closer. One leg was placed across his lower back pulling him against the man under him. He ground himself down against him, the friction was a bit irritating, but he could deal with it. They stopped kissing long enough for Skwisgaar to remove the other man's shirt and pants, much better. He shoved him roughly down against the bed, grabbed his hips pulling his body up against his. Skwisgaar bit and kissed along his neck, each time he bit Toki moaned a bit louder. Nails were digging into his back hard enough to break the skin, he didn't know his nails were sharp enough to cut like that. The blonde kissed along his collar bones, tracing the tip of his tongue across his muscular chest. He envied how well built the rhythm guitarist was, he wasn't sure when he had gone from a scrawny teenager to a very well built man, it had seemed over night. Right now he didn't hate it or envy it, he was practically worshiping it. The eyes watching him closely, the heavy breathing, and the hand in his hair pulling and pushing told him what he was doing was good. Such feminine moans for somebody with such a masculine physique.

He pressed his lips against his inner thigh drawing a gasp from the younger man, he put his mouth everywhere but where his friend wanted it to be. The look in his eyes was desperate and frustrated, cheeks flushed, and sharp teeth gnawing at his bottom lip. Skwisgaar decided to be nice enough; he trailed his tongue up along the younger man's length stopping at the head and pulling away. He kissed him hard before he had time to complain or call him an asshole.

He felt around on the bed until his hand felt the bottle, he always hated having to stop what he was doing to look for lube. It was a waste of time, if it was close by then it saved him a Hell of a lot of time. Skwisgaar got the younger man onto his hands and knees, ass in the air and face pressed against the mattress. He ran his hands down his back feeling the bumps of his scars, the new and the old; Toki shivered at the feeling of fingers gliding over marks he generally tried to forget were even there. The blonde coated his fingers with lube, he slipped his fingers between the younger man's ass cheeks running them down to his entrance; he pushed slowly inside stopping half way in then pulling out. He pushed in all the way earning a whimper from his partner, when he pushed at the the right angle the brunette would moan and arch his back. He pulled his fingers out then pushed back in adding a third finger this time. When he removed them completely his friend turned his head to glare back at him.

"Hurry up"

"That doesn't make me go faster dildo."

"Please Skwisgaar"

"Eh that might work, try again."

The younger man sighed and looked away.

"Please fuck me Skwisgaar"

The Swedish man smirked at the slight annoyance in his voice.

He considered stalling for a bit longer just to get on his nerves, but thought better of it; maybe some other time. He thoroughly coated his dick with lube, he lined himself up with the younger man's entrance and slowly slid inside. He stopped half way in, the other man's body tensed up, breathing labored, and a single pained groan. Skwisgaar rubbed at his side trying to comfort him. He waited patiently for the other man to adjust, he couldn't imagine how much this had to hurt. He'd done anal with women in the past, he knew they said it was painful at first, but after awhile it felt really good.

Skwisgaar began moving again when the younger man bucked his hips back against him. He placed one hand on his left hip to try and hold him a bit still as he pushed the rest of the way inside. The sound Toki made was one less pained and more so pleasurable; always a good sign. He pulled out then pushed back in going at a slow experimental pace, he watched the way the other man reacted to each thrust especially when the head of his cock would hit against his prostate making the younger man jerk and moan out loudly. His eyes were shut tightly, moans and whimpers falling from swollen lips. His back would arch and he would buck back against the older man with every other thrust, when he could get himself to speak coherently enough he would tell him to go faster and harder. Half of the time the things he moaned were in Norwegian, for whatever reason that made it hotter, and encouraged him to obey and go harder. Skwisgaar gripped a fist full of the younger man's long brown hair wrapping it around his arm, he yanked his head back; Toki moaned loudly, he opened his eyes looking back at the older man.

"I know you like it rough, you always get hard over the weirdest shit." He commented giving another but much lighter tug to the other man's hair.

"So, you fuck old ladies."

"You're not an old lady"

"Wish I was?"

"God no" He replied, he leaned in kissing him roughly.

Skwisgaar released his grip on Toki's hair, he pulled out of him completely and lay back on the bed. The guitarist gave him a confused and irritated look until he realized what he wanted. He moved so that he now sat atop the older man, he wrapped his hand around the base of his cock as he slowly moved down onto it. He kept his eyes closed, lips parted, and head leaning back until the older man was all the way inside of him. When he opened his eyes again that erotic light was back in them, he gave the older man a smirk as he began thrusting against him. Skwisgaar placed his hands on his hips balancing him. He thrust upwards, Toki placed his hands firmly against the Swede's chest; he leaned down kissing him. Skwisgaar ran his nails down across the younger man's shoulders and back making him arch against him. The younger man's hips moved at a more erratic pace as he got closer to his climax, the lead guitarist placed his hand between them taking the younger man's cock in his hand. He stroked him going from slow to fast, the man on top of him alternated between fucking his hand and thrusting down against him. He buried his face against his chest moaning and crying out, fingers pressed hard against his skin. He came hard into the older man's hand, the way that his muscles clenched around Skwisgaar's cock drove him to his own climax making him cum inside of the other man. Their quick and frantic pace slowed then finally stopped leaving both of them breathless and sweaty.

It took a minute for Toki to finally feel comfortable enough to pull off of the other man and lay on his back across the older guitarist's bed. Skwisgaar moved so that he was laying next to the younger man, he lightly combed his fingers through his damp brown hair. Normally he didn't like people this close to him after sex, normally they slept away from him, or he sent them home. Then again normally they weren't guys he'd known for way too long to even remember anymore. He knew how Toki was though; he was clingy, emotional, and liked being close to people anywhere from complete strangers to his band mates. Strangers seemed prone to putting up with it, his band mates normally were less tolerant with his affection. Skwisgaar didn't mind it, at least not lately. He really couldn't find a good reason to give a shit. He didn't protest when Toki curled up against his side, head on his chest and arm wrapped around him. He just continued to run his fingers through his hair and occasionally touch the map of scars on his shoulders and back including the welts from where he'd scratched him just moments ago.

That had to be the weirdest part about what had happened; nobody could go back to how it used to be. The rule they created to not care about each other or spend time talking about each others personal lives, how they used to just try to ignore Toki's emotional breakdowns, and just hope he'd get over them. Skwisgaar always sort of broke those rules though; he'd wondered way too much why the rhythm guitarist had scars like that, why coins scared the hell out of him, and why his parents had basically sent him into states of shock by being around. He'd asked, he'd found out things that had pissed him off and made him feel like an asshole for complaining about his own life. Not like he told the others that he knew all of these things, that would have broken their rule. Now it didn't really matter all that much, Hell he didn't even think anybody would give a shit if they found out he was having a sexual relationship with Toki. It made enough sense; it was a big no no to hook up with band mates no matter the gender. It never seemed to end well for anybody, but he couldn't see a problem with it right now. He'd treated him like shit for way too long, the kid had always looked up to him, and gone along with too much shit. Skwisgaar had saved him from the streets, he'd always wanted to be like him, and eventually better than him. He probably should have been better to him for all of that time. He had now to make up for it, the best that he could which wasn't as much as he probably should.

He looked down to see the other man had fallen asleep; he wondered how long that would last for. He still had nightmares, lots of nightmares; it was understandable. Skwisgaar had them too from time to time, he'd only been in that place for a few minutes, but it was still enough to haunt his mind. The shit he'd seen in there was the stuff of nightmares and horror films. He still thought on what could have happened if they had made it there just one minute too late, the thought alone always made his chest feel tight and filled him with a sense of panic. It was a terrifying thought, he wasn't sure if he could have lived with that. He was having a hard enough time being okay with this outcome; the one where Toki was alive and mostly okay, but if one of them hadn't been so self involved and stupid they could have kept any of it from happening in the first place. He wished the younger man could be pissed at him about it, yell at him, or beat the fuck out of him. He just seemed to accept it and understand it. It was frustrating being forgiven when you really didn't feel like you deserved it. Skwisgaar rarely forgave people, from time to time he just liked a reason to be pissed at people, but some things were hard to really forgive. Some people just didn't fucking deserve it. He felt he himself didn't deserve it, but he'd been forgiven.

He knew that he'd get over it eventually, move on to something else. It helped that the outcome was the one where there was somebody to forgive him instead of no one at all.


	8. Chapter 8

It wasn't like he had been sleeping much at all in the first place, but that didn't mean it startled him any less when the man sleeping by his side began thrashing and crying in his sleep. The sounds and violent movements were normal by this point, terrible for such a thing to be normal, but it had become that way. He moved out of the way in time to keep from getting punched when the younger man began kicking and hitting. He was never sure exactly what to do in these situations, he swore that he heard one time that you just waited it out; let them go through their nightmare and then it'd end or they'd wake up. He couldn't do that, the look of pain on his face fucking killed him. The whimpering sounds and occasional scream didn't make it any better. Skwisgaar did his best to calm the younger musician, tried grabbing hold of one of his arms, tried running his fingers through his sweat damp hair. At one point the younger man sat up, he threw himself against the older man's body nearly knocking him backwards. He managed to brace himself and hold onto the other man keeping him at arms length.

"Toki wake the fuck up, Toki, come on knock it off."

He took his face between his hands and continued trying to talk to him. He didn't want to be loud enough to wake the others up, he did not want to explain the scenario to them especially at four in the morning.

Relief washed over him when the brunette stopped struggling and trying to hit him, his muscles relaxed, and he opened his eyes looking up at the older man through tangles of long brown hair. Skwisgaar pushed his hair away out of his face. Toki wrapped his arms around his neck pressing himself against his friend as he hugged him tightly, Skwisgaar held him.

"It's alright, just a stupid dream."

He could feel his body trembling slightly, he was crying, and as uncomfortable as Skwisgaar was with it he could understand it.

"It's alright, you're home."

He wished he had better things to say, but Toki having violent nightmares followed by Toki holding him and crying made it nearly impossible to come up with something great to say or to do. Right now he was just trying to remember if his bedroom door was locked or not, he really didn't need anybody seeing this. It didn't matter as much as it did.

The younger man pulled back looking up at him apologetically.

"Sorry, did I hit you?"

"Almost, it's no big deal...Do you um want to talk about it?"

Toki settled down now resting his head against the Swede's chest, arms around his waist.

"I had a dream about that place again and kind of my parents too. Did I ever tell you about when I told my parents I was going to play guitar?"

"No"

"I thought maybe they'd be happy for me, but they just got real angry. Dad took the guitar away from me, I thought he'd burn it or something, but he just threw it into the woods. He put me in this room, kind of a basement I guess. I went there a lot; he chained me to the wall and whipped me, I don't think I ate for nearly a week. I haven't thought about it for a long time now. The place Magnus took me and the way he treated me reminded me of that. They just kept me chained up, like a collar and stuff; like a dog or something. Always pulling on my hair and kicking me, it's so fucked up, because I didn't even...I..." He shifted as if trying to move closer to the man holding him, he noticed how Skwisgaar held him more protectively.

"It reminded me of being a kid again, so I was sort of used to it; it was familiar. That's so fucked up, but it's true. Just figured I'd fucking die there, just rot or be shot or something. They didn't really feed us all that much, when they did it'd be in dog food bowls. I think they treated me worse, I just think about it a lot. Like I want to stop thinking about it, but I can't. It's really fucking hard and I'm so stupid, because I thought Magnus was my friend and he...I sort of believed him sometimes when he'd tell me you guys don't give a shit about me. I wondered if you guys knew he was such a bad guy then why let me hang out with him so much. I know you guys care, it just got really difficult there and I can't stop thinking about it. Mostly when I'm asleep, when I'm awake I can pretend to forget about it."

It wasn't like he'd already felt like an asshole, but that didn't help the feeling too much. Seemed to only make it a hundred times worse, it also made him wish that Magnus wasn't dead just so he could beat him to death himself.

"I'm sorry"

That was it, it was so pathetic, but that was it as lame as it was. It wasn't like Toki was mad at him or accusing him of anything, but he still felt like apologizing. They shouldn't have let him be friends with Magnus, they knew the guy was severely unstable. He also knew the rhythm guitarist rarely listened to his friends when it came to that sort of thing, he hung around whoever could hurt him most, because they made him feel wanted. Now he was hanging around Skwisgaar again, he had to wonder just what that meant.

"Told you I'm not mad at you, not anymore."

"You should try to get back to sleep, yeah?"

"I don't want to have nightmares."

"You won't, I'm right here, and I'll wake you up if I think you're starting to have one. Okay?"

The younger man smiled up at him, he was so stupidly trusting. Nothing really seemed to change much there, other than since being back he was closer to Skwisgaar. The reasons for that had seemed to change a lot in recent days, but it still wasn't all too uncommon. If anything it was more like the beginning when he'd been a teenager and obeyed nearly everything the Swedish musician told him, he just followed him blindly as if he knew everything. Skwisgaar hoped by now after getting to know him through the years he'd realize he didn't know fucking shit.

At least this time when he curled up and went to sleep he seemed more peaceful. Skwisgaar couldn't say the same for himself; he spent half an hour just going between staring at his ceiling then staring at Toki to make sure he was okay and actually there. Then he spent an hour trying to sleep, but every time he closed his damned eyes he just pictured that horrible fucking place and how malnourished and fucked up Toki had been and how he'd clung onto him. He couldn't forget those fucking inverted crosses or that asshole assassin or any of it. He thought repeatedly about the things Toki had just told him, he wasn't shocked by it. He figured it was terrible beyond words, the kid was medicated and still in therapy because of what he'd just gone through. He would binge drink and take one too many pills when nobody was keeping a close eye on him, most times the person watching over him would be Skwisgaar. It was still just odd and terrifying hear him talk about it, hearing him talk about anything traumatizing was hard. It was always so, so casual in the weirdest way. He could talk about terrible things that had happened to him like it was something he'd caught on late night TV or had heard from another person. He was accustomed to being chained, starved, and tortured.

Skwisgaar hated being the one to get to hear these things, the others knew. There were times that Toki would ramble on about things to Pickles or Nathan, mostly it seemed to make them uncomfortable. It made all of them uncomfortable; they spent years bitching about their own problems while this whole time their friend had grown up in a real life religious cult horror film. Then after what happened with Magnus and that creepy guy with the mask, it just piled up. Just because nobody wanted to hear about it didn't mean that they didn't care, it just meant that it made them feel guilty and uncomfortable.

They had learned not to tell Toki to just bury his emotions anymore, that never ended well. The first time around he'd killed that annoying straight edge jackass then the other times he just hurt himself with booze and accidental self-harm.

Skwisgaar looked over to the man who was now sleeping quite peacefully at his side. He combed his fingers through his hair, a faint smile played on the younger man's lips.

Well sleep was out of the question, he could get up and walk around, but he really hated the thought of Toki waking up alone especially if he did end up having another nightmare or forgot completely about where he was. So he moved closer to the sleeping man wrapping an arm around him, somehow holding onto him made everything feel better. Like he was protecting him from everything, maybe if he'd just been nice to the idiot in the first place none of this would have happened.


	9. Chapter 9

He woke up to an empty bed, it startled him for a second until he heard the sound of the shower running. He lay back down sighing in relief; where the fuck had he thought Toki had gone? It didn't really matter if he left the room without Skwisgaar knowing or not, he didn't have to watch over him all of the time. He just had the overwhelming urge to do so, no matter how not metal and kind of irritating the feeling was for him.

He heard the bathroom door open, footsteps against the floor, and then the weight of the bed shifting. Wet fingers combed through his hair and eyes watched him closely, he smiled slightly at the gentle contact; he looked up at the younger man. He seemed to be doing better, right now; who knew how long that would last for.

"Are you okay?"

"yeah I'm just fine, nothing to worry about." He said smiling

He decided to go with that, it wasn't like he was going to argue him. If he said that he was fine then he was just that.

"You didn't have anymore nightmares?"

"No I was okay, didn't really dream much at all. I'm used to shit dreams anyway, so I guess I'm used to them."

"You did just go through some really messed up shit though, it's different you know."

The younger man didn't really consider it different, he merely shrugged the idea off as he continued running his fingers through thick blond hair.

Skwisgaar sat up so that he was about eye level with the other man, he placed a hand on his cheek.

"Don't keep this in, okay; seriously you know what happens when you do that."

The same thing that happened every other time and each time it always seemed to be worse.

Toki rolled his eyes at him, he took the older man's hand in his pressing his lips against the palm.

"I'm fine, you don't gotta worry about me."

Fuck it, he wasn't going to bother with it; he seemed fine and said that he was fine. Plus Skwisgaar really wanted him to be fine, as fine as he could be in the situation. Other than the usual problems he seemed to be okay and having the Swedish man around actually seemed to make things a hell of a lot easier for him.

"Alright, oh and I want you to practice guitar sometime today. We're going to try to record some later, I need you better."

Toki groaned.

"Skwis I don't want to, unless you help me. That'd be cool."

"Last time we tried we just ended up making out, so no. You used to fucking hate me trying to teach you guitar, what changed?"

"You stopped yelling at me and dumping buckets of blood on my head when I fuck up."

Right, that helped; he felt mildly bad about that. It had surprised the fuck out of him when Toki had kicked his ass for that; they all had the tendency to forget the rhythm guitarist could easily beat any of them up. He tended to when it happened get into the most fights with Skwisgaar and Murderface; probably because the others didn't like to fuck with him so much.

"Yeah okay, I probably shouldn't have done that."

"No shit, I'll practice though even if it is sort of boring."

"Good boy"

He pressed his lips against his forehead then kissed him on the lips. He liked the way the other man looked up at him when he pulled back. He kissed him again more firmly, longer, and slower; he worked the younger man's lips apart earning a moan. Skwisgaar didn't complain when his friend gently pushed him back against the bed climbing on top of him. He didn't bother holding back the groan when Toki pulled back staring down at him. His naked body looked good especially with droplets of water running down pale skin, wet brown hair sticking to his shoulders. Skwisgaar couldn't help but touch him, he found he really enjoyed it; even the scars were fucking beautiful to him. The way the other man smirked down at him exposing slightly abnormally sharp canines; Skwisgaar sat up placing a hand on the back of his neck, he pulled his wet body against him and kissed him hard. He pulled Toki down on top of him. He could spend days with him like this if it were possible.

They broke from the kiss both panting and smiling at each other, a heart beat later they were kissing again. Hands always roaming over skin, fingers tangling in hair, and soft whimpers and moans filling the large empty room. It was almost terrifying feeling like he needed somebody this badly; normally it was the other way around. Women and men alike wanted Skwisgaar, threw themselves at him, and were willing to humiliate themselves all in the name of having the guitar demigod touch them. He found them pathetic and to be perfectly honest after awhile sex felt like a chore, something he was made to do, but didn't really feel like doing after some time. This felt different, he wanted the person on top to need him, and to want him. He felt fucking unworthy of the attention and intimacy, it was a feeling that would possibly last him a lifetime, but he really needed it. He just wasn't sure what to do with it, with the feelings going around his head.

Toki broke from the kiss again, he looked the older man in the eye then looked away. He buried his face against the crook of his neck kissing and nuzzling.

"Jeg elsker deg" He whispered sounding unsure, nervous his voice shaky.

Skwisgaar felt his heart tighten in his chest, he knew he should respond, but he couldn't get himself to do a thing for the longest time.

"I know" He responded lamely.

He didn't know how to handle this situation.

Jeg elsker deg- I love you


	10. Chapter 10

"Do you think you could try, you know not sucking so much?" Nathan asked after what had to be the eighth try of Toki recording his parts for the album.

"I'm trying my best" The younger man responded obviously getting aggravated by this point.

He was trying, it just wasn't really coming out great; it didn't help that he seemed to be distracted. He would zone out and then he'd hit the wrong chord or generally more than one and then they'd have to do it all over again.

"Dude have you even been fucking practicing with him or what?" The singer asked turning back to look at Skwisgaar who sat between Pickles and Murderface, his own guitar on his lap.

"Yeah of course I've been trying to teach the little dildos. He's been getting better."

"Really, because he sort of sounds worse right now. You sure you haven't just been picking fights with him the whole time?" Pickles asked the Swedish man.

He felt slightly offended by the accusation, he began strumming his guitar

"No we haven't been fighting, not my fault he fucking sucks right now." He shot back.

"I can hear you guys" Toki interjected.

"Oh uh sorry." Nathan said turning off the microphone then flipping it back on a second later.

"You should y'know try again, less shit this time."

Again he tried, he went from focused and doing well enough to looking frustrated and then fucking up. It was the process so far, his hands would shake and he'd curse under his breath every time he hit the wrong note. He either would go too slow or go too fast. Skwisgaar could feel Pickles staring at him like he wanted him to admit they'd just spent the whole time fighting instead of actually practicing. They had practiced, maybe not as much as they should have, and possibly a lot of the time they ended up drunk and having sex.

"I hate to say it, but he really does kind of suck. Like that show we played he was fucking amazing, but he hasn't really been that good since."

"I don't know he's all fucked up or whatever, he say anything to you?" The black haired man asked turning his attention away from their rhythm guitarist who was still trying his best to not fuck up.

"Eh not much, you know just they starved him and tortured him a lot. He seems okay."

He tried being casual about it, his band mates looked uncomfortable with what he had said; even he felt uncomfortable saying it.

"Fuck he's really fucked up, kid's probably gonna go psycho or some shit." Murderface said.

"He's not going to go psycho, he's just off." Skwisgaar replied glaring at the bassist.

The black markings had spread up to his face now, it was looking creepy and foreboding. The glowing didn't help, he still refused to see a doctor about it even though Abigail had threatened to drag him to the hospital by the back of his shirt if she had to.

Toki stopped playing, they all turned their attention back to him. He was glaring at them, arms crossed over his chest.

"I can still hear you guys, you never turned the fucking mic off. I'm not crazy."

"We didn't say you were crazy Toki, we're just you know um...Concerned I guess." Pickles said trying to avoid saying they were genuinely worried.

"You don't have to worry about me, I'm fine."

"Uh right, look just fucking forget that right now. We really need you to suck less. Maybe we should just have Skwisgaar do Toki's parts like we normally do."

"I'm not doing his work for him, he's not a baby; he can do his own parts."

"C'mon man he's obviously not going to do this shit in under a month."

"No, he'll just practice more and stop sucking."

"Hey you guys should stop being mean to him." Murderface said causing the others to stop and stare at him.

"Are you fucking serious?" Pickles asked looking like he wanted to slap the older man."

"Yes I'm fucking serious, you guys shouldn't be such assholes."

"Dude you always treat him like shit, you just fucking said he's gonna go psycho."

"Look if he goes crazy and starts killing people I don't wanna die." He whispered harshly to the drummer.

"God you are seriously such an asshole." Nathan muttered shaking his head.

"Besides weren't you the one who said we should leave him there?" The red head asked, he smirked when the bassist's face went red.

"Wait, what?" Toki asked seeming to regain interest in the conversation.

"What, no I didn't; I was the one that wanted to go look for the little fucker."

"Um no dude you complained like the whole fucking time. You wanted us to jut let him rot or some shit."

"Yeah that's how I remember it." Skwisgaar agreed.

"Wait you were going to fucking leave me there?" Toki asked his voice slightly high.

"Fuck mic is still on."

"Er not really, I mean we...It was Murderface's fault." Pickles said pointing towards the bassist.

Murderface shoved the drummer, "Shut the fuck up, he's gonna fucking cut me up now you dick."

Skwisgaar grew bored of his band mates arguing and shoving each other while Nathan sat there rubbing at his forehead while muttering how fucking stupid they were acting. He looked towards the booth to see Toki leave slamming the door shut behind him. Nobody else seemed to notice, they continued with their fighting. By the time that Murderface knocked Pickles down on the floor and they were busy punching each other Skwisgaar decided to leave and find their rhythm guitarist.

He found the younger man in his bedroom, he sat on the edge of his bed playing guitar. This time it sounded really good; like his first audition good. Back when he'd been a young boy in crappy clothes and looked scared of the men he wanted to impress. Except now he was just a bit older, hair longer, clothes newer, and he seemed more serene right now. His fingers were bleeding slightly from the hours of playing, from how hard he'd press desperately wanting to hit the right notes when he should have. Skwisgaar stood leaning against the wall for as long as he could without the other man noticing his presence.

"I get it, so you play good when we aren't around." He said smirking when Toki stopped playing and looked up at him.

"I have been practicing, I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me."

"You've never really been good at actually recording."

Normally it was because he didn't have the attention span to sit there and listen to instructions on what to do. This time it seemed like something completely different.

Skwisgaar sat down next to him.

"So do you guys really think I'm crazy now?"

"What, no; Murderface is just a dick. You know that, don't fucking listen to him."

"Not like it'd be the first time for me right?" He asked smiling sadly.

"You aren't crazy Tokis, you've just been through a lot."

The younger man kept his eyes down on his guitar.

"Sorry about before in your room when I said the thing. I know how you feel about that stuff."

"It's okay, don't apologize for that. I figured you'd be mad at me for not saying it back, it's not like I don't...Like I don't care about you."

He sucked at this, a lot.

He felt slightly more at ease when Toki looked up at him smiling like he understood what he meant.

"Yeah I know...That won't make it weird, between us; right?"

"No it won't be weird, not weirder anyway."

He kissed him, something about the action seemed to make him feel more reassured in their arrangement.

"I promise I'll get better at guitar, I'm really trying."

"I know, you'll get there in time. Do you think you could play for me?"

The brunette seemed to light up at the question, he nodded eagerly.

Skwisgaar lay back on the bed and watched him as he began to play. For the second time that day he didn't mess any of the parts up, this time he seemed happier and much more relaxed.


	11. Chapter 11

The sound of the bedroom door opening didn't wake him or the footsteps on the floor; what woke him up was the sound of a voice that abruptly stopped halfway through what it had been saying.

Skwisgaar stirred awake momentarily confused, Toki was still pressed against him his face buried against his chest. The lead guitarist opened his eyes and looked towards the the source of the voice to see Pickles standing there mouth slightly open, one pierced eyebrow raised in question.

"Uh why are you in Toki's room?"

The blond haired man moved away from his friend slowly enough to not wake him, but quickly enough for it to not come off weird.

"He had a nightmare so I stayed in his room."

"Right, that's kind of weird dude." He said laughing

The guitarist shoved past him making his way out the door.

"Shut up it's not weird, the stupid little dildo had a bad dream. Wouldn't leave me alone and I fell asleep, not my fucking fault he's a baby about everything."

Pickles followed him out of the room and all the way to the kitchen still mildly teasing him and laughing about how 'adorable' the lead guitarist had looked sleeping with Toki curled up with him. When they were in the kitchen Skwisgaar smacked him upside the head and shot him a look, it caused the drummer to quiet long enough. He was happy that Pickles waited long enough for him to get coffee before he began talking about what had just happened again.

"So he's still having fucking nightmares?"

At least this time it was less taunting and more concern.

"Yeah they're really fucking brutal, the one time he broke a fucking lamp and nearly punched me in the face. Thought I was Magnus."

Half of the time when he had nightmares he lashed out physically and even when he was waking up it was like he was hallucinating that he was still somewhere else. The other half of the time he just screamed and cried until he woke up, then he would dissolve to crying against the Swedish man's chest. Basically there wasn't a preferred nightmare here, either way it hurt Skwisgaar to see him that way and know he couldn't do much at all about it other than try to wake him, calm him, or wait it out.

"Sheesh that's fucked up, he's got pills for it right?"

"Yeah a lot those are fucking doing, he's always trying to over do it too. Pills and alcohol, I keep telling him not to; he doesn't fucking listen."

"Can't you like be in charge of his meds or something like that?"

"Fuck no, I'm not going to be in charge of when he takes his pills. He's a grown man."

Even if he never acted like it. Skwisgaar wanted to trust he could leave him to do that much for himself, but he was determined to hurt himself in small amounts. He'd said years ago during one of his numerous bouts of depression that they all pretended weren't happening that when he got high or drunk it made him feel better, because he was so fucking out of it that he could forget everything.

"He acts like a fucking kid though, always gotta fucking watch him. He's been weird since all that shit, I mean I get it; just weird you know. Not like you've been that fucking normal either."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Dude you usually got like eighty fucking chicks in your room in one morning alone. You haven't had Jack shit ever since we got Toki and Abigail back, you've been fucking dry spell or some shit. What's with that?"

"I've been busy"

"Since when are you too busy?"

"Busy, if you haven't noticed shit is weirder than usual lately."

He got up and left the room before his band mate could say anything else to him about his lack of a sex life in the past weeks. He hadn't even thought about it much himself amazingly enough and he'd thought the others were too preoccupied to notice it either. He'd been too busy with the record and with his own problems, taking care of Toki, and then doing things with Toki. He hoped to the Gods that Pickles wouldn't say anything to the others about this. He didn't need them making fun of him for this, especially if the rhythm guitarist would be in the room. Most likely he wouldn't think it's weird, he'd ramble about how they've spent practically every night together. He'd probably be hurt and upset when Skwisgaar would start saying it was bull shit and he only did it because Toki had to have stupid nightmares and make him stay the night with him. He would love to be able to just tell them to fuck themselves, but he couldn't get himself to do that. His friends weren't really homophobic, he knew they really didn't give a shit. It was just something they joked about like idiots, but nothing they really cared too much about. He mostly felt weird about it, because of numerous step fathers who commented how girly he looked and how queer he probably was, all the girls he'd fucked to prove he was as straight as they were. The parts of his childhood spent brushing his mother's hair for minutes on end then helping her with clothes and makeup, he'd fucking hated it; she would say he'd have made a better daughter than a bastard son. It had grated on his nerves and made him easily aggravated when somebody called him girly. It amazed him and always had that Toki didn't really give a shit about that. He was masculine physically and it literally ended there; if he wasn't acting like a stupid child then he was sort of on the feminine side. They had given up ages ago telling him that he came off gay, he'd never gotten it or cared. It was amazing he could be so comfortable with the things he preferred after the upbringing he'd had. Then again it was a fucking miracle he could function at all after the childhood that he had endured.

Skwisgaar entered the younger man's room again, this time he was awake and sitting on his bed like he'd been waiting for the older man to come back.

"Where have you been, I woke up and you weren't here."

"Sorry, you okay?" He asked sitting down next to the other man.

He wrapped an arm loosely around his waist, Toki curled up against his side resting his head on his shoulder.

"Yeah I'm fine"

"Did you take your pills or did you just sit here waiting on me?"

"No I took them"

"The amount you're supposed to this time?"

"Sort of, some of them I did. Except the ones for the um...The anxiety, I took more of those; they make me feel happy."

He buried his face against the crook of the older man's neck pressing light kisses against his skin.

"Idiot, you shouldn't do that; I've told you already."

"You abuse pills all the time."

"Just because I do it doesn't mean you should, we want you better not worse."

He always worried he'd fuck up big time and over dose, he wasn't sure how he'd handle that one.

"I'm doing alright, I can take care of myself. I did it all the time as a kid, cleaned up all my wounds."

Skwisgaar absentmindedly ran his fingers along the marks hidden beneath the younger man's shirt, he could feel him shiver under his touch. He pressed his lips against the top of his head whispering about how childish he was.

He felt guilty for giving the occasional glance towards the door to make sure nobody would walk in, he knew he couldn't explain this. That didn't mean he was going to leave anytime soon; he'd have to at some point, maybe another hour or two. He sort of liked it just being the two of them sitting on the bed sometimes talking, kissing, or just sitting in silence.


	12. Chapter 12

"Toki what are you doing in here?" Skwisgaar asked when the younger man lay down next to him on his bed.

The rhythm guitarist gave him a confused look, he'd spent most nights sleeping in the older man's room. By this point it was just a second nature.

"I always sleep in here"

"Yeah well you do have your own room." He remarked, it sounded more rude when he said it.

Toki looked like he couldn't decide whether he was completely lost right now or upset that Skwisgaar didn't want him around all of the sudden.

"I sleep better with you, can you stay in my room then?" He asked a tinge of hope in his voice.

He should just let him stay with him; he wasn't even sure why he was being such an asshole about this all of a sudden. Well he knew a reason for it, but it was so damn immature giving even the tiniest shit about what their band mates thought about this.

"No Toki, go back to your room; okay?"

"Please I like being in here, I hate being alone."

"Don't you still have that stupid bear of yours, sleep with that."

He turned away from the younger man, he picked his guitar up off of the floor and began playing it to distract himself from the hurt look on the other man's face and the way he looked like he could just cry or yell at him at any second.

Toki got up off of the bed, he sighed heavily; he glared at the older man, but Skwisgaar really didn't want to meet his eyes.

"Fine fuck you then, I don't need to be with you all the time."

He turned and left slamming the door shut behind him.

Stupid, this was stupid; he knew it was stupid. He also knew that Toki tended to have a short attention span and he wouldn't be too mad by morning, just right now he was upset. Skwisgaar would make it up to him, maybe get over his sexuality issue. He played for about half an hour then went to sleep, well somewhere close to sleep. At one point he thought he heard Toki scream from down the hallway, but it was quick, and if he made any other distressed sounds then Skwisgaar didn't hear them. It wasn't like he needed to give himself another reason to feel like an asshole.


	13. Chapter 13

He had been mostly right; Toki seemed less upset with him the following day. Before they had gone into the recording studio to meet the others he had pinned him against the wall and kissed him, whispering again in Norwegian that he loved him. Hearing it still stung, treating him like shit the night before didn't help how badly hearing that made him feel.

Inside everything went like normal; they talked about what they were doing and went over some of the vocals. They had agreed before that allowing Abigail to handle most of the technical work was best since usually one of them would be too drunk to actually hit record or to remember what they were supposed to do in general. They felt more comfortable having her around now than they had before, she was as brutal and braver than the five of them. Plus if it hadn't been for her it was hard to tell how long Toki would have survived on his own in that place.

"Right so we'll just cover bass and vocals today, tomorrow we'll try guitar again." She glanced towards the two guitarists who per usual were sitting side by side.

She noticed Toki seemed less sure of himself at the idea of going at guitar again, his skills had been off, but she knew he still could play. He was just suffering a lot mentally and it was distracting him, she knew the feeling.

Recording went more smoothly than usual with somebody to keep them from being too heavily distracted. Minus the occasional whining and bitching from various band mates it went well enough. They all were more than happy to leave and return to the living room to get drunk instead of working. Nathan and Abigail were the only two not to join them saying that they had some things they needed to discuss on their own. Something about having their singer with a woman who spent most of her time there was weird, it always was; he tended to date more than he did one night stands. This one ended up being more so weird just because it had nearly destroyed the band, but Pickles kept saying he was cool with it now. He didn't give a shit, he was just happy everybody was back together, and shit was kind of normal again. That was good enough to make Nathan and Abigail feel more comfortable with their relationship.

"Why the fuck does Nathan get a girl, you'd think I have one." Murderface complained

Pickles turned up the volume on the TV, the bassist talked over it.

"What just cause he's the fucking singer and I'm just the bassist, fucking stupid."

"Dude you don't get chicks because you're fucking gross. They can't stand you, no offense."

Skwisgaar laughed

"What the fuck are you laughing at, like you've gotten laid lately. Dick, except I guess you do got Toki there."

Now Murderface was laughing at the look on the Swedish man's face.

"What the fuck did you tell him?"

"Nothing I just fucking said I saw you in Toki's room. I never said you guys are doing nothing."

"You guys are such fucking queers." The bassist said laughing.

"Am not, I'm not doing anything with him. I like women, a lot; I just haven't felt like fucking anyone lately. I just share a bed with him sometimes because he whines and acts like a baby. That's all, there's no way I would fucking do that with him."

"Dude we know you aren't, he's just being a dick."

"Yeah I'm just being a dick, but seriously you're getting laid as much as me."

"I have gotten laid dildo"

"Since when, never fucking seen any chicks in your room."

"Um why would you be in my room?"

Murderface shrugged and looked away, "I was looking for something I lost"

"Dude were you stealing from me again?"

"I was, but you don't keep your fucking cash where you used to."

"I'm sorry for not making it easier for you to steal from me, fucking asshole."

"So who did you bang?"

"I don't know some slut, picked her up you know the usual."

"So I guess that means you're still the one who gets the least action then." Pickles said smirking at the bassist.

"Oh fuck you guys."

He went from talking to pouting, at least now it was quiet. Skwisgaar just barely noticed Toki get up and leave the room. Shit.


	14. Chapter 14

"Can I come in?" Skwisgaar asked as he knocked on the locked bedroom door.

"No fuck off" Came the angered response, the words were slightly slurred.

Great he was drinking again.

"Please, come on Tokis just let me in."

"Go away, I don't want to talk to you."

"I'm fucking sorry, okay?"

He heard something hit against the door, he wondered what he just threw.

"Shouldn't you go fuck some girl before somebody thinks you're gay or something"

Skwisgaar leaned back against the door, he sighed and closed his eyes. This wasn't working; he wasn't sure if he wanted to spend the rest of his night standing there yelling at a door. It wasn't like this was a new thing for the two of them, nobody would find this odd in the least. They often had moments of fighting like a couple that had been together for way too many years. Just normally minus the couple part, but now it felt slightly worse; he felt more so like a dick now than he did the other times they fought. It seemed like about every time they did fight was because he had to be a dick to the younger man, he'd either over react or in some cases react better than most people would. They would fight, throw each other out of the band, beat each other up, or try to hurt each other in the worst ways possibles. By the end of a week or maybe a month one of them would cave in ready to cry just from frustration and a stupid fear that if something happened to the other then the last things they ever said or did were hateful. This could be like that, except a bit more personal. He knew standing outside his door trying to convince him to see him wasn't going to help much. He decided to leave and retire to his own room.

He sat on his bed with guitar in hand, playing tended to relax him. He knew he shouldn't have said that shit, but he'd gotten annoyed. He doubted that Toki actually believed he'd fucked somebody else, he was smart enough to know better than that. He just felt sort of cornered by everything; he wanted to just be okay with it. Dating in secret wasn't a big deal, because nobody needed to know anyway, and he already knew nobody would give a fuck. They'd always thought the two acted like a very fucking dysfunctional couple. He just couldn't really handle any of this right now; he couldn't handle looking out for somebody when he couldn't look after himself half of the time, couldn't handle having somebody trust him so blindly and so often no matter how many times he treated him like shit. He had never understood it. No matter what Toki always trusted him even when he would hate him the most, Skwisgaar always managed to have a strong hold over him in the weirdest way. It had always been like they were naturally connected, one of them always shadowing the other, and long periods of time without speaking seemed to drive them crazier than they normally were. He decided he would sleep and then try again tomorrow, there was no way he'd lock himself in his room for that long.

Later on in the night into early morning he woke up to the faint sound of screaming, the familiar nightmare screaming that made his heart hurt. He attempted to ignore it for a few minutes, but it drove him insane; plus at one point in the six minutes of ignoring the sounds his phone began going off meaning his band mates were pissed and confused as to why he wasn't checking on the rhythm guitarist.

"Fine"

He crawled out of bed, pulled his jeans on, and went towards the younger man's room. He tried the door knob, but of course it was still locked.

"Damn it Toki"

He sat down on the floor outside of the room leaning his head back against the wall. He kept his eyes locked on the door cringing at the sounds coming from inside of the room, it was fucking brutal to listen to. He had the overwhelming urge to do something, but he couldn't do shit. He waited and wondered if somebody else would get up and ask why he wasn't doing something about this and then ask why the door was locked, but then that would end with asking why they were fighting again. The screams faded and now he just heard sobbing, he knew for sure the younger man was awake now. He could hear him moving around his room, heard the sound of a couple of empty glass bottles being knocked around, and had the strongest feeling he was most likely going for a new one that he had stashed in his room. At the rate he was going they would be out of alcohol by the end of the week.

Skwisgaar got to his feet and went back to his own room, he knew better than to argue with him through the door again. Not right now, he knew he had to be exhausted and shaken up; he wanted to talk to him and comfort him, but he didn't want that right now.

Back in his own room he lay there tossing and turning mostly staring out his bedroom window at the dark night sky. He would just try to talk to him when he was out of his room.


	15. Chapter 15

The following morning he found the younger guitarist in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka in hand. He for the most part was just staring off, eyes tired and blood shot. He looked like shit, in the way that Skwisgaar had seen him look one too many times in the time he had known him.

"Fuck how long have you been drinking for?"

He glared up at the older man.

"It's none of your business"

His voice was cracked and hoarse from the God awful screaming of nightmares. He attempted to stand up stumbling and nearly falling, he grabbed hold of the edge of the table to steady himself, when Skwisgaar placed a hand on his arm to hold him up he roughly shoved the lead guitarist away.

"Just don't" He said shaking his head, greasy hair falling over his face.

"Toki, I told you I'm sorry"

"I don't care, you don't...You don't really fucking get it, I don't even think you-"

He stopped mid-sentence when Nathan came into the room. Toki didn't even meet Skwisgaar's eyes he just turned and left the room. The blond haired man sat down on one of the chairs and groaned.

"What was that?"

"Fucking nothing, he's just being stupid" He replied annoyed

"God is this one of those fucking things where you guys fight for a month?"

"No it's fine, it's just really fucking stupid; he's being a baby, it's fine."

It could turn into one of those things where they fought for a month, though that involved fighting. This wasn't fighting except for mild yelling, this was Skwisgaar not sure what to do while Toki just got drunk and would occasionally yell at him or try to tell him how pissed off he was at him. He wondered why they had thought it was such a great idea to introduce the kid to alcohol all those years ago.

"So you guys can be in the room long enough to record today, right?"

"Yeah I guess so"

"Good because that's kind of really fucking important."

He highly doubted it would go over good, but he wasn't in the mood to tell the truth about that one.

It took about an hour for Pickles to convince Toki to come out of his room and go into the recording studio. He mostly had to practically drag the beyond drunk guitarist then throw him down onto the couch. They decided that Skwisgaar should record first since he was the more sober of the two at the current moment. His session went like it normally did; he was incredible and it only took one take. At least when he was playing he wasn't over thinking, he had too much to focus on. He just reminded himself to not look anywhere near Toki's direction, because he knew that if he did that would wreck the whole thing. When he was through he almost thought of telling the others that maybe he could do Toki's tracks or that they could do that tomorrow, because he obviously wasn't going to be able to do a damned thing. He didn't though, it'd just lead to another fight.

When the rhythm guitarist finally got set up he was able to keep up for a whole eight seconds before fucking up completely. He attempted again and again to get it right, each time he got more frustrated until he finally was pissed off. He grabbed his guitar by the neck with both hands then threw it at the glass cracking it slightly.

"Great now we have to fucking replace that."

"Fucking great he's fucking wasted, not really useful if you ask me."

"Dude you're never useful"

"At least I'm not fucking wasted"

"Skwisgaar has to do bass track, because your fat ass is too fucking lazy."

"Will you guys shut up, dude what the fuck is up with you?" Nathan asked when Toki came out.

"Ask him" He said glaring in Skwisgaar's direction.

"Uh no kind of asking you, look if you guys are having some bitch fight can you like get the fuck over it. This is a really bad time."

"No, I'm fucking sick of him. He's fucking stupid and he treats me like shit and he lies to me."

"I told you I'm sorry, what the fuck do you want from me?"

"Could you guys maybe do this later?"

"I'm not talking to him"

Toki left the room slamming the door shut behind him. Skwisgaar waited two minutes, long enough to make sure that the younger man wouldn't be right outside of the room. He then left himself before anybody could ask him what the hell that had been about. He decided it was best to avoid everybody for the rest of the day, because uncomfortable or not they would ask why Toki was pissed off at him this time. There was always at least mild curiosity when there was a fight going on, fighting stalled recording time and back when Charles had been around he would try to make whoever was fighting knock it the hell off because it was shit for their business. This time it was just something they would handle themselves, everybody knew the guitarists could do this for ages and right now it was fresh and could resolve itself quickly so they didn't mind it all that much.

Swksigaar was at least sort of trying to do something about it. He went to Toki's room again when he knew the others were sleeping and tried again to talk to him.

"Stop being a dick or stop drinking, we have to fucking record. This is really important, you're being fucking selfish."

"I'm selfish, I can't believe you just fucking said that."

"Could you at least open the door so we can fight like normal people?"

"No, I don't want to see your stupid face. Why don't you find some slut to talk to about this?"

"I don't want somebody else, stop being a moron."

"I'm not being a moron, that really fucking hurt. You don't even give a shit you just don't want people thinking you're fucking girly or something."

"Fuck this, if you want me come find me; I'm not doing a stupid kid game and yelling at a door anymore."

He went to the living room and began flipping through the channels on the television. For whatever reason he thought that Toki would cave in and come find him at least just to yell at him for being a bastard. Even two hours later when he heard footsteps he hoped it was the younger man, he was disappointed to see Abigail standing there looking disheveled and annoyed with her arms crossed over her chest.

"Look I don't know what the hell you two are fighting about, but fix it. Okay?"

"His fault"

"I don't care, I wouldn't even be saying anything, but he just came into Nathan's room completely drunk and crying about how much he hates you."

"Oh, uh where is he now?"

"I think he went to the kitchen to look for more booze. Just take care of it, okay?"

Abigail turned and left the room, Skwisgaar got up and went to the kitchen. He found the drunken Norwegian there rummaging through cupboards in search for alcohol that obviously wasn't there. They'd decided to just not replace it for another week, their binge drinking guitarist helped in that decision.

"We don't have anymore booze"

"Go away Skwis"

"Dude why the fuck did you go to Nathan's room to bitch about me?"

"Him and Abigail listen to me"

"I've been trying to talk to you all day."

"You're my problem" He complained turning to face the older man

"No your problem is that you're a stubborn little idiot who can't handle his alcohol and over does his medication. Let's just talk about this, please."

"No"

The younger man shoved past him wanting to leave the room.

"Will you stop being a fucking brat, this is stupid."

He stopped and turned to glare at the older man.

"I'm not being stupid, you really fucking hurt me. I don't mean anything do I, I don't...I can't even fucking play guitar anymore. I can't do shit and I hear you guys talking about me, about how crazy I am, and how much work I am. You've been real nice to me and I hoped it was different, but it's not."

"Toki come on, you're fucking wasted." He tried placing a hand on the other man's arm but his hand was smacked away.

"Yeah and why do you think, I can't do it. I'm scared and I'm sad and I don't know what's going on and everything in my head won't leave me alone. You just want me for sex and because now you feel like you got to be with me."

"You know that's bull shit."

He looked like he was ready to cry, Hell it looked like he'd been crying before now anyway. Skwisgaar wanted to grab him, just hold him and tell him that yeah he in fact fucked up royally.

"It isn't, I don't think it is...Murderface isn't the only one who wanted to leave me to die, is he?" He asked accusingly, he was so hurt and shaking.

"Gods you know...you know that isn't true"

Skwisgaar didn't make a move to hold him back when Toki turned away and left. He remained in the kitchen for some time thinking over what the hell had just happened. Yeah okay he had joined in and encouraged just letting Charles and everybody else look for Toki and Abigail, but he'd missed him. He'd thought about him and even cried the first night he'd been missing, because he could have sworn he was fucking dead. He knew he was selfish, they were all selfish. He thought he was over this, but apparently he wasn't. They always had this deep bond, almost like being one person in two separate beings. It felt so strained right now, he didn't know how to get him to understand that he didn't mean to treat him like shit. He didn't mean to pretend he never existed in the first place, he didn't mean to make him sleep alone these past few nights just because of his own stupidity. He didn't like lying in bed listening to him screaming and crying; he wanted to help him. It was just very difficult to say what he felt he should say to a person who was too drunk and too upset to really listen to him or want to believe a word that he had to say.

He left and went to Toki's room; the door was locked which by this point was usual. He couldn't really hear much from inside of the room which meant he was either sleeping or just lying there. Skwisgaar knew better than to knock or to start talking through the door. It never lead anywhere, but yelling and one of them getting more pissed off and frustrated than they already were. He sat down on the floor leaning back against the wall; he'd stay there until morning. If he could catch him right away when he was sober, hung over, and pissed, but at least he would be sober by the time it was morning. He could talk to him then, try to anyway; as far as Skwisgaar knew there wasn't much for the rhythm guitarist to get drunk off of, all he had left were pills. He hoped he wouldn't do something stupid there, but he doubted it. He wasn't that stupid or that depressed to be that stupid. Skwisgaar kept his eyes on the door wondering just how long it would be until he'd hear screaming. He decided to try and sleep until then.

Three hours; that was how long until he heard screaming. It woke him and caused him to jump to his feet, hand on the door knob ready to go in until he realized it was fucking locked. He stood there gritting his teeth frustrated at his lacking ability to do anything but stand there and wait it out. He hated waiting this out, but this was technically his fault in the first place. The screaming and the hard to hear pleas and talking went on for nearly an hour on their own. He was grateful for when it stopped. He heard enough movement to know that Toki was awake, probably curled up on his bed on the verge of having another panic attack. He wasn't going to listen to this shit, he was tired of it.

"Toki, it's me open the door."

Nothing.

"Please I really can't stand this, open the stupid door."

Movement, the sound of the door being unlocked followed by a shaky tired and crying rhythm guitarist standing in the doorway with his eyes locked on the floor like he was too afraid to look at Skwisgaar. The lead guitarist placed a hand on his arm, he wasn't pushed away instead the younger man collapsed against him. He wrapped his arms around him clutching onto the back of his shirt, his face buried against his chest as he cried.

"Shh calm down, it's over; you're home."

He guided the younger man back inside of his room kicking the door shut behind them. He did his best to lay him down on the bed, made difficult by the fact that Toki didn't want to let go of him for a single second. The only good side to this situation was that he was far too terrified and in shock to be pissed off at Skwisgaar. He was clinging onto him like he did the day they got him out of that place, when he did look at him it was that same sort of savior look like from before. He really didn't deserve to have the kid look at him like that, he never had.

"Please don't leave me, it's dark there"

"I'm not going anywhere, I swear; I mean it this time."

He sat with his back against the wall, Toki curled up on his lap staying as closely as possible. Skwisgaar ran his fingers back through his hair doing his best to soothe him. The younger man had stopped clinging onto his shirt and instead was holding onto his free hand, just so long as he was touching him.

"I needed you"

"I know, I'm sorry; I'm a dick."

"I feel stupid, I shouldn't be scared of everything. No wonder you don't want to be around me."

"You have every right to be scared, you got through it better than anybody else would. You've been through so fucking much, I don't get how you do it. I do want to be around you, you know how much I fucking hate when we fight."

"We always fight"

"Yeah but like this kind where we don't really talk or see each other, it's weird."

"I didn't think it mattered"

He brushed a stray tear off of the younger man's cheek. He knew he was still upset with him, but right now he was lonely and scared. He still thought Skwisgaar hated him and didn't really want him, but he looked at him like he was the false angel he'd always tried to see him as.

"Of course it matters, I love you"

It came out more naturally than he expected it to in a million years. Except for the part where right after saying it he could feel his heart beating faster in the seconds until Toki leaned up kissing him gently, a weak smile on his lips.

"I love you too"

"I'm not ashamed of you and you'll get good at guitar again, it'll just take time."

"You'll help me?"

"Yeah"

He brought the younger man's hand up to his lips kissing the top of it.

"Also about thinking I didn't want to get you at all, I did. I still can't get the picture of Magnus stabbing you out of my fucking head. I thought you were dead, it fucking shook me up really bad. I cried like a bitch that first night. I just couldn't deal with it, at all. Thought it made more sense to get fucked up and forget you than think that you might be dead. I really didn't want to deal with that."

Now it was Toki gently caressing his cheek, he kissed him.

"I didn't know that, I just got mad at you. I think I was mad at you then too."

"It's fine I've been an asshole, I'm sorry. I'm really shit with this sort of thing, it's been killing me listening to you have nightmares every night."

"I got you here now, so it won't be so bad."

"You should try and sleep more, we can talk about this later"

He felt more complete now, something about actually being able to check on Toki through the night made him feel better. He liked knowing he was safe, he didn't really give a shit who walked in or what they saw; he wasn't doing that to either of them again. He reminded himself nobody cared about his sexuality, nobody cared if he was with Toki; they all joked about it anyway. It was selfish letting the younger man suffer just because of his own personal problems. Things seemed better now, the younger man kept close to him and slept peacefully for the most part. Skwisgaar missed being the one looking out for him.


	16. Chapter 16

Author's Note: So this story is getting closer to ending, I have two shorter stories I'm working on and then a longer one that I will be posting after this is finished up. Thank you to everybody reading this, I really appreciate it.

"We're like Gods or something like that" Skwisgaar whispered against the younger man's neck.

"I already thought you were a God or you think you are one." Toki said laughing

"I'm serious, that's what the old man said." He lightly bit at his neck gaining a low moan from his partner.

Fingers combed through his blond hair giving a tug, another bite, and another longer moan this time. Skwisgaar trailed his tongue up his neck before biting again leaving yet another small mark.

"I guess I can believe that, dad used to tell me I was some sort of Death something. Can't remember" He groaned bucking his hips against the older man's hand.

Skwisgaar continued rubbing at his erection through his jeans.

"You're too young to have a crap memory."

"du er en jævla drittsekk" Toki muttered

The blond pulled his hand away, he looked down at the younger man smirking at the angry look he was currently giving him.

"I can stop so you can think better"

"stopper ikke" He whispered pulling Skwisgaar down on top of him, he kissed him roughly biting at his lower lip.

He kept a firm hand on the back of the older man's neck, a leg wrapped around his waist. He ground himself up against him close to practically getting off on the friction alone.

Skwisgaar took hold of his hips pushing him down against the bed putting distance between their bodies, he leaned down kissing him working his tongue between his lips. He trailed a hand down to his zipper making quick work of unfastening his jeans and slipping his hand inside wrapping his hand around his erect cock. He broke away from the kiss and moved down lower on the bed until he was kneeling between the younger man's legs. He kept a hand around the base of his cock as he slowly slid the head into his mouth working his tongue over the tip repeatedly. He took half of his length into his mouth sucking hard then pulling back up to just the head, the younger man was moaning and writhing beneath him trying to buck up into his mouth. He knew he'd fuck his mouth if he just let him, the idea was kind of hot. He released his hold on his hip allowing the younger man to thrust upwards. He was surprised he was going slowly like he didn't want to gag him, Skwisgaar ran his tongue up and down along his cock earning loud and slightly desperate moans from the other man. Toki had his fingers knotted in the Swede's long hair, he continued bucking up in shallow movements. Skwisgaar took the rest of his length into his mouth then pulled off all together. He sat back on his knees and unfastened his own jeans pushing them down then kicking them off, he removed the brunette's pants the rest of the way as well. He crawled back on top of him, he dipped his head down kissing along his chest, stomach, and along his ribs where scars were embedded. Toki lightly rubbed along the older man's back feeling comforted by the feeling of gentle lips against the marks scarring his skin.

"I love you" Skwisgaar whispered against his skin

The younger man sighed content, happy at hearing the words coming from the older man.

Skwisgaar kissed him slowly, lips working against his taking their time. He grabbed the bottle of lube off of the night stand pouring the liquid out onto the palm of his hand working it over his fingers. He worked two fingers inside of his partner slowly sliding them in and out, he pressed the tips of his fingers against his prostate making the younger man moan and cry out for him to keep going. He bucked his hips down against his hand wanting to feel that spark of pleasure again, The blond haired man kissed and bit along his neck enjoying his whimpers and moans. He removed his fingers and coated his cock with the rest of the lube, he slowly pushed halfway inside pausing the allow Toki to adjust. They kissed mostly to distract him from the uncomfortable feeling of having the older man inside of him. He wrapped his legs around his back pulling him deeper inside, Skwisgaar pulled back then pushed inside the rest of the way.

"This okay?"

"Yeah, keep going"

He picked up a slow steady pace, fingers tangled in sweaty brown hair. They kissed passionately, hungrily only breaking apart to moan the others name or for the younger man to beg him to go faster. Skwisgaar went at a slow pace for as long as he could, then alternated between slow and fast; he just wanted anyway that could draw this out the longest and to tease and frustrate the man beneath him. Skwisgaar sat back pulling the younger man onto his lap, he pushed back inside of him. Toki wrapped his arms around his neck meeting the older man's pace with his own, trying to go faster if he possibly could. He tossed his head back moaning the Swede's name when he felt the tip of his cock hit against his prostate. Skwisgaar kept a good hold on his hips thrusting faster and harder, he bit into the side of Toki's neck muffling his own moans.

"Fuck, yeah like that; Gods Skwis"

He had definitely missed this, a lot. He could feel himself getting closer as he thrust harder into the younger man; he dug his nails into his skin crying out his name as he came inside of him. His thrusts became slower and more shallow as he rode out his orgasm, the younger man move off top of him sitting with his back against the wall his legs spread. He looked up at the older man lips swollen and strands of hair hanging down over his face.

"du knullar underbar" Skwisgaar said before kneeling between the younger man's legs taking his still hard cock into his mouth.

He didn't bother teasing this time, fingers combed through his hair encouraging him as he bobbed his head up and down Toki's length. He kept his eyes on the other man's face, his eyes were closed and he had his head leaning back against the wall. His back was arched and he gave small thrusts upwards getting as much as he could from the older man. Skwisgaar's tongue circled around the head of his cock and soon he was cumming inside of his mouth. He pulled back enough to make it easier to swallow; when he was sure that the brunette was finished he pulled all the way off.

"I missed that" Toki whispered opening his eyes to look up at the older man.

Skwisgaar sat next to him, Toki leaned against his side resting his head on his shoulder.

"Are we alright?"

"Yeah, about that God stuff...Do you think it's fate or something?"

"What is?"

"All of us knowing each other."

"I guess so, prophecy shit; Nathan knows more about it than I do. I just know we're Gods, that's all I really find interesting."

He'd always liked to think of himself as a God, better than everybody on the planet. As a child he'd thought of himself as lower than everybody else until he'd found his guitar, the moment he had begun to play he had felt powerful. It had felt like some kind of electric current flowing through his body, nearly nothing felt as perfect as that had. Ever since he'd felt like he was a God amongst men no matter how many times people rolled their eyes at that self indulging belief.

"Do you know what kind of Gods?"

"I don't know, doesn't matter much; I just like the title."

They sat in silence for a minute, Skwisgaar held the younger man's hand their fingers intertwined.

"I remember you used to wear white a lot, you looked really great in white."

"I looked like a total dildo"

"No more like an angel, a really messed up angel."

"We're both really fucked up aren't we?" Skwisgaar asked, he kissed the top of the younger man's head.

"Least we got each other and you don't miss girls or anything, right?"

"Don't worry about that, haven't really thought about that shit for awhile."

"So what if some groupie or something wanted to have sex with you?"

"I'd say no"

"Really?" The younger man asked smiling

"Yeah of course, I'm with you. I don't date much, but I don't cheat when I do; my mom does that shit. I always promised if I dated somebody I wouldn't do that to them."

He'd had maybe two or three serious relationships before now and he had been loyal to them. He saw the hell his mom put honest men through, it was terrible and he'd hated her for it. He never wanted to do that to somebody, normally things ended from boredom, or because he feared he would turn out like his mom in that aspect. He didn't plan on doing any of that this time around, this felt easier and more natural.

They sat together a bit longer until the younger man got up to go take a shower leaving Skwisgaar to lay on the bed staring up at the ceiling. This was oddly enough one of his better relationships; not like it had just come out of literally nowhere. He'd considered it plenty of times, but had talked himself out of it time and time again. It was weird and generally bad to get with band mates and considering how young Toki had been when he joined the band he felt it would be weird; he'd always preferred older women. He rarely considered men and if he had he didn't know if he could be with a guy younger than him, it's not like this made him feel old. The rhythm guitarist was only in his mid twenties, it wasn't too big of an age difference. They had a connection that went between battling and drawing; they either spent time apart and trying to be better than one another or they spent time practically shadowing one another. It had worked for years, it could work this way as well. He just needed to relax about it, not care if anybody knew, or get defensive when people commented on the fact he hadn't been with a woman for awhile now. He really didn't miss it, sex with women had become a chore after some time. It got to the point he did it because he felt like it was part of his job, he couldn't explain having sex with people when he didn't even want to. It's just the way that it ended up going after awhile. This time he wanted to do it, it had real passion to it for the first time in years. He really didn't expect to get that with somebody, especially another man. Especially one of his band mates.

Toki came back into the room, he crawled into bed with the older man lying against his side.

"Can we try guitar lessons again tomorrow?"

"Sure, we need to get you back to normal with that soon."

"I can play when I'm alone"

"I know, you just get nervous. We'll work on it, later though."

The younger man lay his head against Skwisgaar's chest, he placed a hand on his lower stomach.

"How do you think things are going to go?"

"With what?"

"That prophecy stuff, I've been thinking about it a lot."

"I don't know, try not to worry about it so much. I promise it'll be fine."

"You don't know that"

"No, but I won't let anything bad happen to you. So that's enough."

He knew he wasn't the best person to promise to keep him safe, he always failed at that. He wanted to mean it this time, whatever happened in the future or however things ended he swore he wasn't going to leave the younger man's side. He'd do anything to keep him safe, because he really couldn't go through that pain again.

du er en jævla drittsekk- you're a fucking bastard

stopper ikke- don't stop

du knullar underbar- you're fucking gorgeous


	17. Chapter 17

They had to have spent most of the day hanging around Skwisgaar's room wasting time. He was surprised the others hadn't wondered where the hell they had been, but then again the last time they saw the two guitarists they had been fighting. So it was better to avoid them until they settled whatever had been going on between them. The two finally left the room by evening going to the kitchen to either find something to eat or see if there really wasn't any alcohol left to drink.

"Why is it okay if I drink now?" Toki asked after going through yet another empty cabinet.

"Because I'm drinking with you, so it's fine"

"Stupid" The younger man muttered

Skwisgaar looked under the sink where he knew Murderface usually hid something. In the back he found a small bottle of whiskey, he pulled it out. He stood up holding the bottle up smirking triumphantly.

"Found it"

"Cool, won't he be pissed though?"

"He's always pissed, what's it matter?"

He removed the cap from the bottle and took a drink then passed it to the younger man. He took it back when he realized Toki would gladly drink the whole bottle on his own.

"Seriously stop being such a lush."

"Am not"

"You had a hang over almost all day yesterday after that bender of yours."

"You always have hang overs"

He grabbed the bottle from the older man taking another drink from it, shorter this time just so that Skwisgaar wouldn't take it from him.

"Maybe we can practice after this" Skwisgaar suggested

Nathan would be pissed if he knew they weren't fighting anymore and they were currently just standing around getting drunk in the kitchen instead of working on guitar tracks. He just didn't feel currently motivated to do all that much other than see how much time the two of them could kill.

"Yeah that would be cool or do something else."

Toki took a long drink from the bottle then passed it back to the older man, he stood closer to them leaving little room between the two of them. Skwisgaar drank what was left, he sat the bottle down on the counter. He placed his hands on the younger man's hips, fingers sliding up under his shirt tracing along his skin.

"Like what?" He asked curiously smirking down at his friend.

The brown haired man leaned up kissing him slowly, he placed a hand on the back of his head fingers tangling in his hair. Skwisgaar moved a hand to the small of the other man's back pulling him until he was pressed fully against him; he kissed back allowing the younger man to be in control for the mean time. He didn't mind relenting dominance every now and again; he was buzzed and this felt nice. The younger man nipped at his lower lip with sharpened teeth, his tongue ran along it asking for entrance; Skwisgaar parted his lips allowing him inside. He moaned when the younger man placed a hand on his ass squeezing; he ground against him allowing him to feel how hard he was getting.

Toki fumbled with the older man's belt buckle getting it unfastened as fast as he could followed by his zipper.

"Realize we could get caught, yeah?" Skwisgaar asked, not like he cared he just wondered if the younger man realized the possibility.

Toki nodded, he looked up at the older man with bright eyes and swollen wet lips. His pupils were blown and he really didn't seem to give a shit one way or another. Skwisgaar bit down on his lip to keep from moaning when Toki lowered himself to his knees, one hand on the older man's leg and his eyes locked on his as he pulled his cock from the confines of his jeans holding firmly to the base of it. He ran his tongue from the base to the tip then back down again before taking it into his mouth. Skwisgaar placed a hand on the back of his head, he tangled his fingers in his hair gently pushing. The younger man took more of his cock into his mouth, he did the things that he remembered the older man doing to him. From the moans and curses Skwisgaar was making he figured it was working well enough. He pulled half way off flicking his tongue over the tip, he worked his hand up and down his length before taking him all in again.

The older man could feel himself getting closer to cumming, he tried to hold off as long as he could, but with the way he was working his cock and the feeling of the tip of his tongue going over the tip was driving him crazy. Toki worked harder to bring him to climax, he moaned around Skwisgaar's cock sending vibrations through him. The older man had to place a hand over his mouth to keep from crying out as he came inside of his partner's mouth. Toki pulled back and stood to his feet, he smiled at the older man.

"That was good" Skwisgaar said not really sure what else to say, he was still shaking slightly.

"I think it was better than that, we should go practice now."

Skwisgaar followed him out of the room; they went to the recording studio knowing by this time of night it would be empty. Guitar practice went like it normally did, what was becoming normal anyway. Toki would do fine for a minute or two then mess up, because his hand would shake, or some other thing would keep him from getting a song right. Skwisgaar tried to get him to just focus on playing and to push everything else to the back of his mind.

"Okay try something else; remember your audition? Just think about that, think of this like that."

Toki sighed, he closed his eyes trying to focus on the memory; it had kept him safe when he'd been captive so maybe it could help him loosen up when he was playing guitar.

Skwisgaar watched carefully noticing how as he played he got better with every part that he played. He visibly relaxed and seemed more in tune than he had in a long while except for the times where he was completely alone. He got through the song without missing a single part, he opened his eyes and smiled proud of himself and what he'd managed to do. Skwisgaar kissed him.

"Good boy, just like old times. You did really well, do you think you could do that when we record again?"

"I can try, when do we record again?"

"Probably tomorrow, they think we're still bitch fighting. So you got a bit of time to work on it"

"Oh cool, you're a lot better at helping me than you were before."

"It works better this way than the way where I'd yell and then you'd beat me up. Takes less time."

Much less time and much less blood shed and slightly feminine screaming on the lead guitarist part.

"Can you play for me now?"

"Sure, feels like I haven't played anything all day. It's weird."

He picked his guitar up from the floor and began playing one of the songs they were trying to get finished, but kept changing parts of. Toki leaned back against the arm of the couch and watched the older man play guitar, he always seemed more content to listen to Skwisgaar play than to actually do it himself. He seemed more lively on stage, they both did; on their own they were just working. Though it was nice having the younger man listening to him, he used to ask him to play songs for him all the time when he'd first joined the band. Any chance just to watch the blond haired man play guitar and see how intense he could be when he was really into the music that he was playing.


	18. Chapter 18

Skwisgaar woke up when he realized that the younger man wasn't currently lying beside of him. He sat up looking around his room confused at the absence of a body next to his own, he listened wondering if the other man had left or not. He heard coughing coming from the bathroom followed by what sounding like vomiting. Skwisgaar got out of bed and went to the bathroom knocking lightly on the door.

"Tokis, you okay?"

The younger man didn't respond, he heard the toilet flush.

"F-fine" The response was shaky

Skwisgaar tried the handle finding the door was unlocked, he opened it and went inside finding Toki down on the floor sitting with his legs pulled up against himself. He looked shaken up and pale, he'd been having more problems sleeping, because he had apparently stopped taking one of the prescriptions saying it made him feel weird. They'd told him that he didn't necessarily need it, but it would make him sick and it would also have a negative affect on his already shit sleep pattern and his horrible nightmares.

He sat down next to his friend pushing his hair back out of his face, he brushed his knuckles against his cheek; his skin felt cool and sweaty.

"You feel cold, how are you feeling?"

"Stomach hurts real bad, I-I feel really bad. I had dreams again, the really bad ones."

Skwisgaar pressed a kiss against his forehead.

"Want to talk about them?"

Toki crawled over to the older man leaning against his body, head against his chest. Skwisgaar rested his chin on the top of the younger man's head, he gently rubbed at his upper arm.

"Magnus again, but my dad too; a little bit anyway. I had a dream I was there and Magnus was hurting me, I heard my dad's voice telling me I was getting what I deserve. I'm a curse, I deserve to be punished for what I cause people I love."

Skwisgaar could feel his body trembling against him, hands curled against his chest.

"Do you believe that?"

He didn't want to ask him if he believed it, he already knew that he did. He more so wanted to tell him that it wasn't true, that he shouldn't believe anything his overly religious bastard of a father or that psycho Magnus had told him.

"Yeah" Toki whispered nodding his head.

"You aren't a curse Toki, you didn't deserve those things."

"If I'd never run away from home then bad stuff wouldn't happen."

"Don't talk like that, if you hadn't left there you would have died."

"Maybe be better off that way." He whispered hiding his face against Skwisgaar's chest already knowing the older man would be upset about his quiet comment.

Skwisgaar took him by his shoulders gently pushing him away enough so he could look him in the eye. He brushed his fingertips against the younger man's cheek.

"I love you, I need you here. We should go back to bed, lie down, and maybe you could sleep better this time. Does that sound good?"

Toki nodded; Skwisgaar stood up helping the younger man to his feet. He walked him back to his bedroom laying down on the bed Toki lying on his side facing him.

"I'm tired"

"Go to sleep then"

"I'm really tired of having nightmares Skwis"

"Yeah I know, it'll get better."

Skwisgaar kept a hand on the younger man's side, Toki moved closer to him. He always wanted to be closer, as close as he could possibly get. He spent so much time in their past doing what he could to spend time with Skwisgaar, anything to spend time with him, or to just be close to him. Now he felt more prone to it, felt more clingy and like he didn't have to watch himself and make sure that he didn't get too close. He felt safe with the Swedish guitarist's arms wrapped around him and felt soothed being able to rest his head against his chest listening to the steady rhythmic beating of his heart. It was grounding and solid; it kept him from fearing he was back there or back in his punishment pit. Toki lifted his head glancing up at the older guitarist.

Skwisgaar gave him a gentle kiss, hand against his cheek, and fingers threading through his hair.

"Love you" Toki whispered smiling the best he could manage at the older musician.

He kissed him again smiling against his lips.

"You need something to help you sleep better, you look really tired."

The dark circles under his eyes were getting bad, the weeks of sleep he was barely getting.

"I don't want what I was on before"

"You need something, this is getting dumb. I'm worried you'll kill over or something."

"I'm okay, I'll get on something else."

"Good, you need more rest so we can finish recording and all of that."

Toki pushed the older man onto his back climbing on top of him; he leaned down kissing him slowly. Skwisgaar placed a hand on the middle of his back enjoying the languid kiss the two of them were currently sharing. Toki broke away from the kiss, he lay down again closing his eyes and focusing on the fingers tracing the scars along his back.

Skwisgaar knew they should probably get up, get dressed, and the others were probably wondering what the fuck they were even doing. He wasn't sure if they were going to try to record again or not, it didn't really matter too much. In a few minutes Toki was asleep leaving Skwisgaar awake to enjoy the quiet and the even breathing of the man lying on top of him. He seemed to be calmer now, he slept better the second time around if there was a second time. He closed his eyes hoping to maybe get more sleep for himself, but was interrupted by the sound of the bedroom door opening. He looked over in the direction of the door to see Pickles standing there with his hands in the pockets of his jeans, one pierced eyebrow raised in question as he looked at his two band mates.

"I can um, I can explain this"

"Yeah I'm sure you can dude, look I really don't care. You guys should be in the recording studio though, like a fucking hour ago."

Skwisgaar looked from Pickles to Toki who was still sleeping.

"Right. I'll, we'll be there in a few minutes."

The red haired man snickered shaking his head, he turned and left shutting the door behind him.

"Great, Toki wake up; we have to work on the record."

He shook the younger man's shoulder, he really hated waking him up when he'd just gotten to sleep. He was also still trying to not panic over the fact one of their band mates had walked in and saw them in bed together. It wasn't like they were doing anything, hell maybe he didn't think anything of it. He wasn't going to let himself over think it this time, it wasn't important.

"I wanna sleep"

"Yeah I know Tokis, but we got to work; you can sleep right after."

Begrudgingly the younger man got up and got dressed, the two guitarists made their way to the recording studio with the rest of their group. When they got there the others were talking about the tracks, touring, and the usual. Nobody paid much attention to them other than Pickles looking between the two, smiling and shaking his head before going back to talking to Nathan about what they had been discussing before the guitarists entered the room.

They tried to do bass tracking, but Murderface kept complaining about his arm hurting like it was on fire from the odd markings spreading.

"Dude go to the fucking hospital already, like shit."

"I told you I'm not going to another stupid pervert fucking doctor."

"You can't play worth shit right now" Skwisgaar commented

"Neither can Toki"

"Least he doesn't complain about it" The Swede responded

"Look Murderface if that shit doesn't clear up soon you're sort of fucking useless on bass."

"I told you it's fucking fine, shit get off my back."

"Skwisgaar can you do bass track for the next two songs?"

"Sure I do them anyway for the other records"

"You might have to do rhythm guitar too if Toki keeps going the way he's going." Nathan said not really looking at the rhythm guitarist.

"I'm fine I told you guys."

"Yeah he's been getting good again"

"Great, just so long as we get this shit done. So Skwisgaar you do your shit then we'll try Toki again after that, see how it goes."

By this point Skwisgaar had practiced the new songs in his free time enough to know them by nature. It used to impress him deeply that he could learn to play songs so quickly, so naturally, but by this point in his life nothing seemed to impress him. The women throwing themselves at his feet left and right, his guitar skills; they were all things that just happened. They were a part of his life that didn't feel new like they did when he was younger. When he finished up he went back to join the others, Toki already looked nervous.

"You'll be fine, don't worry." He said as the younger man went past him and into the booth.

Skwisgaar watched him play noticing how much more relaxed he seemed this time around. He was getting back to the way that he was before the incident, he was back in his own little world when he was playing. He looked exhausted still and some parts came out too slow or too fast, but he kept his hands from shaking.

"So practice actually been working?" Pickles asked looking in the lead guitarist's direction.

Skwisgaar shifted slightly in his seat taking his eyes off of Toki long enough to look at the drummer.

"Yeah not bad, he's not as dildos as he was before." he said shrugging nonchalantly.

"So I guess you guys aren't fighting anymore?"

"No we're um we're fine, just whatever. The usual."

The red head continued to look at him for another moment or two then looked back towards the younger guitarist who was still doing surprisingly well. He lasted for nearly four tracks before he had to stop saying that his fingers were starting to bleed and he was getting a migraine. They decided to switch back to bass, but after two tracks realized that wasn't going to go anywhere. Since Abigail wasn't in the studio with them they decided they'd done well enough even if their guitarists had shown up an hour late and their bassist did nothing, but mostly complain the whole time. Everybody gladly left the studio deciding it'd be best to go out to the nearest bar and get drunk since a certain guitarist had basically killed their home alcohol supply.

"By the way which one of you assholes took my bottle of whiskey?" Murderface asked once they were all seated in the furthest part of the bar away from all the people they really didn't want annoying them.

"Dude nobody stole your stinking booze, you probably fucking drank it."

"Bull shit, probably fucking Toki; kid's got a fucking drinking problem or something."

"I did not, don't; Skwis is the one who found it." He said voice already slightly slurred even after only four shots.

Skwisgaar lightly punched the younger man's arm earning a glare.

"Did not, he's full of shit."

"I can't fucking have anything without you guys ruining it."

"You do that to yourself man, but yeah kid drinks too much." Nathan said having to agree at least a little bit with the bassist's statement.

They all knew Toki drank way too much, they never cared too seriously, but after everything that happened and with all the different medications he was taking they felt like they had to keep a better eye on him. They didn't do a great job at it, but that was because they also knew how pissed he could get. Nobody liked dealing with that shit.

"I don't drink too much, you guys do drugs and stuff all the time."

"We have control Toki, you don't."

"I could just do drugs, cocaine or meth; something like that."

"No way, you're not doing that shit." The older guitarist chastised giving the younger man a warning glance.

Toki smiled, he kind of liked when his band mates told him not to do things. He didn't like being treated like a child, but at least it was a sign that they cared about him even if it was always in small amounts.

Nearly three hours were spent in the bar drinking until they had to call a Klokateer to come and pick them up, none of them were anywhere near sober enough to drive or even remember how the fuck they'd gotten there in the first place. They guessed that Nathan had driven, but nobody could exactly remember by the time they were stumbling out into the cold night air and into the limo waiting outside. By the time they got back home Nathan and Pickles were arguing witch each other over which 80s rockers were gay and which ones weren't. Toki and Skwisgaar were the last two inside, they didn't mind falling behind the rest; Toki had an arm draped around the older man's shoulders gladly letting him half drag half lead him back to Skwisgaar's bedroom. He laid the younger man down on the bed laughing when Toki grabbed the front of his shirt pulling him down on top of him. The younger man kissed him, it was sloppy, but he tasted bitter sweet and he was nipping at his lip. Hands went from hair to under shirts then pants were being hastily removed. The room was spinning and the two of them had to keep breaking apart to laugh. Even completely wasted he could appreciate the feeling of the younger man pressed against him, how hot his body was, and the little moans and his nails dragging across his back. Even drunk he could appreciate the obscene things he whispered, the feel of him roughly pulling his hair, and how loudly he called his name when he reached orgasm. By the end of it they were sprawled out on the bed, Toki laying across the older man's stomach. The two passed out shortly afterward, both sleeping better than they had for the past week or so.


	19. Chapter 19

He was acting off again, well more off than was normal. Skwisgaar had noticed it four days ago when he had woken up in his room alone, it happened sometimes, but normally he would find the younger man was awake or in the bathroom sick again. This time he had found him in his own bedroom curled up on his bed sleeping, but he was soaked with sweat and shaking. Skwisgaar had woken him up worried about him, the younger man had moved away from him so quickly it had startled him. He moved himself far away from the blond haired man, he sat with his legs pulled up against himself; he didn't look scared like he thought Skwisgaar was some horrible figment from another nightmare. He just had this horribly guilty look on his face and like he was on the verge of crying. When Skwisgaar had tried touching him again he had tensed and buried his face in his hands. When he did spoke he only muttered repeatedly in Norwegian that he was sorry. It had been strange, unnerving to say the least. The lead guitarist had thought it best to leave, go to his own room, get dressed, and just go on like nothing was wrong. This was normal, he hadn't gotten new medication yet. The therapist was still trying to work that out, he was on four different things and finding a fifth that would work well with his other medications was becoming difficult. For the rest of the day he'd acted odd; he would tense anytime that Skwisgaar touched him, he would stare at him like he had something he wanted to tell him. He looked completely wrecked; it wasn't a new look, but the cause was unknown and it worried him. At first anyway. The first two days it worried him and scared him, he thought it was something that would just pass. He hoped it'd be something he'd be willing to tell him, but he wouldn't. When he could get him alone he would try to ask him, but he wouldn't answer him or really look at him. By the third day it was frustrating him, he couldn't think of anything he'd done wrong or said. He couldn't understand why all of the sudden the younger man was acting strangely around him.

"Dude you guys notice Toki acting weird?" Pickles asked after another half failed recording session.

"Weirder, kid's always weird."

"He never fucking sleeps"

"What did you guys fight about this time?" The drummer asked looking towards the lead guitarist.

Skwisgaar narrowed his eyes at the shorter man, "Nothing, fuck why does it always got to be my fault?"

"I don't know, you fuckers are always going at it. Like a married couple or some shit." He said smirking

"Shut up"

Even if the drummer hadn't said anything or even really seen anything he kept hinting and acting like he knew that the two guitarists were together in one form or the other. He kept reminding himself that nobody gave a shit, but it was hard to make himself relax with the idea. It didn't help that Toki liked being affectionate, with nearly anybody and everybody especially when he was drunk, but now he mostly clung to Skwisgaar. Which didn't help when it came to the two not talking or acting even the slightest bit off, because it made it all the more obvious. He really didn't like how the others just assumed he did something to piss off or upset the younger guitarist. The kid had nightmares that fucked him up, heard voices that fucked him up, and in general would have problems that Skwisgaar had no hand in what so ever. He didn't get why anytime something happened he had to be the cause, though it didn't help that sometimes he was the cause; a good bit of the time.

By the fourth day he was tired of whatever was going on. He could tell that Toki wasn't sleeping at all, he couldn't know for sure because the younger man refused to sleep in the same room as him in the past four days. He wanted to be away from him and it was confusing; he thought for a day or two that maybe he had caused it, but came up blank on that one. He was happy when he heard through Nathan that the rhythm guitarist was going to get a new prescription to help him sleep in a day or two, maybe things would be better by then. He figured this would mean Toki would finally just tell him what dream was making him so on edge this time, but he still wouldn't. The avoidance got on his nerves, by night time he decided he was completely over it. He went into the younger man's room and found him sitting on his bed; he sat there with his fingers knotted in his hair occasionally pulling while he mumbled to himself things that Skwisgaar could just barely make out until he was closer.

"Forbannet, jeg er forbannet ... jeg ønsker ikke å drepe ham, det gjorde jeg ikke mener det. Jeg ønsker ikke å skade ham."

Skwisgaar sat down as close to the other man as he dared to, the words he was whispering to himself were confusing. The blond haired man reached out placing a hand on Toki's knee; the younger man jerked away from his touch. He looked up at him with wide frightened tear filled eyes.

"What's going on?" He asked calmly

He restrained himself from asking him why he was being so weird and why he was avoiding him, he was annoyed, but he knew if he yelled or got upset it wasn't going to lead anywhere. Besides Toki already looked scared just by being around him.

"I'm a death bringer, I don't want to be."

"That's why you're avoiding me?"

The younger man nodded slowly, he closed his eyes so that he didn't have to look at the older man.

"That's dumb, we've been over this..."

"No, this, this different; this is a different dream Skwisgaar."

He sounded scared, the older man wanted to comfort him, but he knew he'd most likely be rejected.

"It can't be that bad"

"I had a dream that I killed you, I didn't mean to" He said opening his eyes and looking up at the older man eyes pleading.

By the way he was looking at the blond you would have thought it wasn't even a dream he was talking about, but something that was fact. Skwisgaar felt unnerved by it, by how shaken up this had him.

"It's just a dream"

"What if it happens, it could; I fuck everything up. Everybody dies and I don't want them to, I don't mean for it to happen. It wasn't even most of the other times, it was different; I was really pissed off and...I couldn't think right or even know what I was doing, I was just angry; I never like being that angry...You tried to get me to calm down and I killed you, I didn't mean it. I didn't mean to do it, I tried to stop; I really did Skwisgaar. I kept yelling in my head to stop, but my body kept going and when it was over you were dead and I was just. I don't want it to happen in real life. Jeg beklager, jeg mente ikke å gjøre det." He broke down crying hiding his face in his hands.

Skwisgaar sat there awkwardly, he watched the younger man crying and apologizing. He was really mentally torturing himself over a dream, would the pills even help with this? Was this just some sort of a thing that he was going to go through from now on or was it even new in the first place? They heard that Nathan had dreams where he saw and heard things that didn't make sense until they found out about the prophecy. He didn't want to think that this was anything like that; Toki wasn't really the first thing he thought of when he thought of a god of death. If that was his title then he didn't want it, it seemed to just be tearing him up inside, especially inside of his mind.

"Toki it's a dream, just a stupid dream. I'm not dead, you know better than to listen to a dream like that."

In the back of his mind he told himself it could possibly happen. He'd seen the younger man's rage, he had seen just how violent he could become when he got that way. He was just barely human when he got like that, even the sounds he made were those you heard from a wolf or other wild animal. It was something that you best avoided if you valued your own safety, he knew it was a possibility. Just he couldn't imagine it, he didn't want to imagine it. Neither of them handled the idea of the others mortality very well.

Toki ignored him, he was shaking; his head was filled with terrible images. At this point he couldn't tell which ones were real and which ones were fake, but now he didn't know which ones could become real. He'd been raised in terrible conditions; supposedly to keep others safe, he'd been told he'd hurt everything that he tried to love. He was supposed to be alone, he wasn't supposed to be around others, but he'd hated being lonely and so starved for attention and affection. He didn't want to hurt anybody, he didn't want to cause anybody pain.

Skwisgaar pulled the younger man's hands away from his face, Toki slowly looked up meeting his eyes.

"Stop, okay? Dream, it was a dumb dream. I'm fine, you didn't kill me, and you're not going to. Stop making yourself sick over this."

The younger man felt exhausted physically and mentally, he didn't even want to argue or fight right now. He collapsed against the older man's chest, he smelled nice, familiar. Skwisgaar wrapped his arms around him holding him protectively.

"You aren't cursed and you aren't going to hurt me."

He felt like he shouldn't be saying such things, but he needed to say them. He gladly sat there for what had to be nearly an hour with Toki curled up on his lap holding onto him trying to get himself to calm down. By the time that he did he felt awkward and stupid for how he had been behaving in the past few days.

"Sorry"

"It's fine, you got scared; just tell me next time."

"I felt too guilty to be around you."

"You didn't do anything"

"I could"

"We both know it won't happen."

Toki looked up at him, "No we don't, it could happen. I can't fucking think when that happens to me. It just gets really dark and I get really mean."

"Yeah, but I'm not dumb enough to try and go near you when you act crazy and shit."

"I'm not crazy" He said glaring at the older man.

"I just mean you get kind of psychotic, but I know you won't hurt me. You haven't been that way in a long time, so nothing to worry about."

"I still feel guilty"

Skwisgaar pressed his lips against his forehead.

"Don't do that to yourself, you're sick enough already. Stop being so bad to yourself, I don't want to lose you either idiot."

Toki smiled sadly, he let out a shaky breath when Skwisgaar kissed him.

"I love you Skwisgaar"

"I know Tokis, it's going to be okay. You won't kill me, I know better than that."

He knew the younger man was still doubting him and himself, he could tell by the look in his eyes, but he was too worn down to argue about it. He'd just spent nearly four nights being with himself and his thoughts, he'd beaten himself down enough that the very thought of arguing pained him. He lay his head against the older man's chest listening to his heart beat mostly to remind himself that he was alive and that he hadn't killed him. Skwisgaar was happy that he didn't try to tell him other wise, he leaned his head back against the wall and closed his eyes. He really hoped new pills would work, because if they didn't stop some of these dreams then that meant they were something else. He wanted nothing more than to protect him and keep him safe, he hated it when he couldn't do anything. He thought about what Toki had said, the dream was stupid; it wouldn't ever happen. There was always the thread of possibility in it, it was possible enough that it had scared the younger man. It didn't take very much to scare him when it came to this, it was a delicate area for him. He was raised to fear his own affections, maybe there was some truth to it, but Skwisgaar was willing to risk it. He didn't care, he'd taken him in, and helped give him at least a slightly better life. He wasn't going to let some stupid curse or some prophecy keep him from doing what he'd always done.

"Do you want me to stay with you tonight?" Skwisgaar asked

"Please, I get scared when I wake up and you aren't around."

"You should have come to my room then, talked to me, or just come around."

"I know, sorry"

"It's fine, it'll be better now."

He felt more settled lying in bed with the younger musician. It bothered the part of him that wasn't completely sure about relationships to realize how much he'd missed falling asleep with the same person every night. It hadn't been easy for either of them to fall asleep; Toki was still upset, the dream was bothering him more than the others were. He would shiver and moan when Skwisgaar kissed him, even just gentle kisses. Any touch made his skin feel hot, it was nice; he just needed to keep touching him. He figured Skwisgaar would laugh at him for crying, but he didn't, he'd kiss him while brushing the tears away. The older man just wanted to make him feel safe, to know that Toki didn't believe that his nightmare could actually happen. He seemed more than happy to fall asleep in the blond haired man's arms, he fell asleep to the soft sound of the older man singing him to sleep.

Forbannet, jeg er forbannet ... jeg ønsker ikke å drepe ham, det gjorde jeg ikke mener det. Jeg ønsker ikke å skade ham- Cursed, I'm cursed...I don't want to kill him, I didn't mean it. I don't want to hurt him

Jeg beklager, jeg mente ikke å gjøre det- I'm sorry, I didn't mean to do it


	20. Chapter 20

New medication should have equaled less bad dreaming and a hell of a lot more sleep, but so far that didn't seem to be working. It probably would if Toki would actually allow himself to go to sleep. He did it in small amounts, never for that long, he would usually startle himself awake too scared to sleep long enough to be lulled into a nightmare. Skwisgaar would wake up to find him sitting on the edge of the bed playing on his guitar, something that never happened in all the years he'd known the younger man, but now it seemed to happen. His playing seemed to be better around three to six in the morning when he was avoiding sleeping or had woken up scared of whatever dream he'd just had. Skwisgaar would try to ignore it, go to sleep to the sound of the younger man's guitar playing, but depending on how sad the song was depended on if he went back to sleep or decided to sit up with his friend. He would ask him what had woken him up this time or why he didn't want to sleep again, sometimes he got an answer or he would just get that sad look telling him it wasn't really anything new.

"Are you okay?"

The younger man glanced at him pausing in his playing long enough to shake his head in response to the question.

"Did you have a dream or do you just not want to sleep again?"

"I don't wanna sleep, I'm okay without sleep. Really, I am." He tried to smile, but ended up looking like he was going to cry.

He lowered his head so that his hair would fall over his face, Skwisgaar pushed his hair back behind his ear so he could look at his face again.

"When was the last time you took your pills?"

"I don't remember, I told you I don't need to sleep. I'm okay."

"No you really aren't, why do you keep stressing over this so much?"

Toki stopped playing, he set the guitar back down on the floor.

"I don't want to hurt people, I don't want that to be my stupid power or whatever. I just thought my parents said that, because they hated me."

"Maybe it's not so bad"

Toki turned to glare at his partner, Skwisgaar looked away knowing what he'd said was stupid as hell. He didn't know a lot about this, he knew that the man sitting next to him wasn't a danger to him or the others in the band. For whatever reason it was just anybody, anything else with a pulse that he seemed to bring bad luck and mainly death upon. He knew he could look into it, he could ask one of those creepy old men from the church about it. He'd heard that he himself was some sort of power of life, light; basically everything that was the opposite of what Toki seemed to be made of.

"It's shit, I'm like that stupid goth girl in X-Men who kills people when she touches them."

"If it was like that I'd be dead as hell."

The younger man winced at the comment most likely thinking over that one dream again. Skwisgaar placed two fingers under his chin gently turning the younger man's head so that he was now facing him.

"Stop being dumb over that one, I'm about as fine as usual. You look closer to death than I do."

He'd been losing weight again, he looked so exhausted and worn down. Skwisgaar was pretty sure he'd been avoiding eating again, it was like sometimes he was too scared to eat. He'd said before that it was because of all the times Magnus would offer him dog bowls full of rotted meat only to put them out of his reach. Toki had said he'd pull at his leash until the collar dug painfully hard into his throat cutting at his skin and making him choke and cough. He said sometimes he still felt like he collar was around his throat.

"I'm death, right?"

He really wanted to tell him no, but that would be a lie.

"Just start eating or sleeping, either one. It's childish hurting yourself over some dreams."

"Yeah okay, I'll eat, but I really don't want to sleep Skwis."

"We'll work on that" He said kissing him gently

Skwisgaar sat back watching as the younger man picked his guitar up again and started to play. The song was one of their own, an older one he hadn't heard for the longest time. The good side was that his playing was a lot better than it had been for months. If he continued to play this well they could get the record finished in another week or two, then they could stop stressing over getting it done. He still wasn't sure what would happen afterward, what things would be like once the new album was released. A part of him was scared as hell, nobody ever felt easy hearing the word 'apocalypse'. He mostly wanted to scoff at it and call it bull shit, he associated it with religion, and this was related to religion. It was ironic being so against religion only to be told years later that you were some sort of a demigod, not some self centered asshole who called himself a God as a ego filled joke. When he smoked too much crack and thought about it late at night it freaked him out more than the drugs ever could. The others seemed to be handling the God news well. Murderface still called it bull shit, Nathan, and Pickles seemed fine with it. Dreams and occasional voices in Nathan's head freaked him out, but not as badly as they seemed to freak Toki out.

Later in the day he found himself sitting in the living room with Toki, the younger man had fallen asleep with his head resting on the older guitarist's lap. Skwisgaar thought about pushing him over onto the other part of the couch, but he was sleeping. He didn't want to do anything to wake him up or keep him from getting even just an hour's worth of sleep. He found himself smiling down at the younger man, running his fingers through his hair every now and again. It was nicer when he was asleep, when his face didn't look stressed or like he could jolt awake any minute screaming or crying.

"Cute as shit when he sleeps."

He looked up to see Pickles come into the room. He sat down on the chair next to the couch glancing at Toki then looking up at Skwisgaar.

"I guess, he fell asleep like this. Idiot hasn't slept for awhile so I don't want to move him."

"Right, look I don't care if you're hooking up with him or whatever. I mean it's cool with me, I don't give a shit."

Skwisgaar tensed slightly.

"I'm not gay" he defended

He wasn't gay, he just had a sexual relationship with another male. He liked to think that nothing about that was gay.

"Right, I always kind of figured Toki was; he's just never that fucking into the groupies or any shit like that. Kind of weird until I realized he probably likes dudes better."

"Yeah he's gay"

"He still having those nightmares?"

"Yeah, they're um really bad. Like really fucking bad, he doesn't even want to sleep most of the time."

"He ever say what they're about, like is it just Magnus and shit?"

"That and other things, he had this stupid dream that he murdered me or whatever. I told him it's stupid, but he still has it and thinks it's real."

Pickles raised an eyebrow, he looked at the sleeping man.

"Shit dude, he tell the shrink about this shit?"

"Fuck if I know, he's guilty about it; just a stupid dream."

Pickles leaned back in his seat.

"I'll say one thing that kid has been glued to your side ever since he joined the band, think it's worse now than it was then."

"Already told you I'm not fucking him."

"Whatever you say, just let's say you are...Do you think it's a good idea to be casual screw him after what he's been through?"

Skwisgaar found himself combing his fingers through the other man's hair again.

"It's not casual"

He wouldn't do that even if he sort of wished that he was. Casual meant no feelings, at least not for himself, but he knew the moment it started that nothing about it could ever be casual. If he could do casual then he would have done it many years ago. He'd always guessed the rhythm guitarist had a crush on him, he'd found himself watching him, and thinking about him possibly a time or two. He knew somebody so clingy who couldn't even handle the filthy simplicity of a one night stand with models or groupies sure as hell couldn't handle a one time thing with a guy he seemed to have a slightly obvious crush on.

"That's good, didn't think you could do the whole dating thing or whatever. If you don't want the others making fun of you though I'd suggest waking his ass up before someone else walks in."

With that the drummer got up and left the room leaving the two guitarists to themselves. Skwisgaar allowed him another twenty minutes of sleep before deciding to wake him up, he didn't like one person knowing he was with the younger man; he really couldn't handle everybody knowing about it. Toki spent the rest of the day doing anything to keep himself awake, Skwisgaar would try to tell him to sleep, but he wouldn't listen. He'd said that he rather stay up, just anything to keep from going to one of the dark places in his mind. At one point he had dragged the blond haired man outside with him saying he was bored of being stuck inside. They sat on the cold wet grass staring up at the night sky, the younger man looked peaceful at the moment. Skwisgaar kept an arm around his waist just feeling an overwhelming urge to touch him in any way that he could find.

"I love the sky, I used to watch it all the time when I was a kid. Stare up at it through the opening of the pit; it made me feel less closed in."

Skwisgaar felt sad hearing him talk about his childhood, it made him feel guilty complaining about his own. He'd never been able to handle it well hearing Toki talk about what growing up had been like. He had felt like going on a killing spree when the brunette told him that everybody in the near by town had known about what was going on. They knew a child was being abused not too far away, a child they all saw every now and again; nobody had done anything or even tried to. It pissed him off knowing people could just not give a fuck like that. He prided himself on not giving a fuck, but he had a line that he drew on that.

"I guess now I get why they put me down there."

"Come on, you know better; you're really fucking far from dangerous."

"I'm still feeling guilty, because I dream killed you. I think if I ever end up doing that I'll just kill myself, I can't live with that."

Skwisgaar felt nervous just hearing the younger man saying he would end his own life if his dream ever happened. He took hold of Toki's hand squeezing tightly, the other man looked at him confused by the worried look on his face until he realized why he looked that way. He leaned over kissing him, a hand resting on his cheek as the kiss extended from a second to another. They kissed slowly and carefully as if memorizing each other, they broke apart both breathing slightly faster now. Skwisgaar lay down on the wet grass pulling Toki down with him, the younger man lay with one leg stretched across the Swede's own legs. Their fingers were still intertwined, Toki nuzzled his face against the side of his neck kissing gently.

"We should probably go back inside"

Toki groaned, "Sleep out here"

"Yeah cause that's not weird"

"Please, I like it out here."

It was cold, but he was fine with the cold. He kept his free arm wrapped around the younger man's shoulders in some attempt to keep the two of them slightly warm.

"Fine, just if somebody fucking sees us here we'll say we got drunk and passed out. Cause this is really gay."

"Doesn't bother me" The younger whispered smiling against Skwisgaar's skin.

He knew Toki wouldn't mind other people finding out, he considered telling him that Pickles knew about them. He didn't though, because he saw no reason to bring it up; it didn't matter. He trusted the drummer wasn't going to tell the others and they never paid enough attention to notice the little things between the two guitar players. It could be years before they would even begin to guess about this, he wondered if they would all still be together in even the next three years. He pushed the thoughts of the future to the back of his mind to fester and die along with the thoughts of how the petite built man who acted too damn immature for his age was supposedly a God of death and disease. They were unwanted thoughts; they would be fine in the future and Toki was the furthest thing from evil in the world.


	21. Chapter 21

"Hey dudes wake up...Skwis I know you're awake." Pickles nudged the blond haired man's side with the toe of his shoe.

The Swedish man grunted, he shoved at the other man's foot then seemed to curl closer against Toki if that was even possible at the moment.

"Sleeping beauty get your ass up, dude I'm seriously willing to piss on your head to wake your ass up."

"Don't you fucking dare"

"About time" The red haired man said snickering.

Skwisgaar managed to get sort of out of the younger man's embrace enough to sit up and realize they were in fact outside and it was definitely daytime now. He looked down to Toki who was just now waking up, the younger man smiled at him then looked up at Pickles.

"Oh hey Pickles we um, we got really drunk and passed out"

"You're a really crap liar Toki and I already know about whatever the fuck you guys got going on. Just figured ya might want to get inside or whatever before somebody else sees ya laying out here spooning or whatever."

"Yeah we're going"

"Later love birds" The red head said waving then turning and leaving the two men alone again.

Toki leaned against the older man's chest his eyes still on his, Skwisgaar looked down at him.

"You told him?"

"No actually I told him we aren't, but he kind of...He sort of figured it out, since you're always in my room or I'm in your room and we are usually naked."

He came to realize that there weren't enough half ass excuses in the world to make somebody believe there wasn't anything gay about lying in bed naked with another equally naked male on top of you. The denial part of his mind truly loved to try though.

"Oh...Do you think we shouldn't do that anymore?" Toki asked sitting back.

"Don't be dumb Toki, you freak out when you sleep alone; remember?"

"Yeah, but I know you don't want anybody knowing about this."

"It's fine, don't worry about it. We really should get inside though."

He stood helping the younger man to his feet and leading him inside. For the rest of the day Skwisgaar noticed how Toki would look at him or watch him, which for the most part was normal. Just it looked more so like he wanted to ask him something or say something, by the time they got time to themselves the younger man started saying and asking what he'd been wanting to.

"Do you think Pickles will tell the others?"

"No"

"Can we tell them?"

"Do you want to?"

"Not really, but I was just wondering. Do you think they'd be upset?"

Skwisgaar rolled his eyes at the question, it was a dumb question. Then again he thought a lot of the questions his friend asked him were dumb as hell.

"No, nobody really cares; just I don't need anybody knowing."

The younger man nodded, he looked around the large bedroom then back at the blond haired man again.

"So um how long do you think this will last?"

"What?"

"Us, I know you said before not to really think about it too much or anything. Just I kind of do and...Well what happens if we stop doing this or you decide you like random sluts better than being with me. I'm okay with it, I think...Just I think it might be weird."

He was rambling and biting at his lower lip nervously to the point it started bleeding. Skwisgaar placed a hand over the younger man's hand to keep him from nervously moving his hands while he talked. Toki looked up at him knowing already that he wanted him to stop talking, he paused, but started again.

"I don't want things to get weirder, things are weird anyway with the prophecy and with Magnus and this and those dreams I have about you and what I do to you in them and..."

He properly shut up when Skwisgaar kissed him, his body relaxed and he draped his arms around the older man's shoulders more than willing to kiss him back. He did feel bad the younger man couldn't stop over thinking, but he really hated when he did it. At least he wasn't doing what he used to normally do with all of his overwhelming thoughts; keep them to himself, collect them, bury them under alcohol and random rage fits. He would in the past tell Skwisgaar things even if they ended with the older guitarist getting angry or feeling uncomfortable and not sure if he should cry of kill the cause of his friend's distress. Skwisgaar wasn't raised to really know how to nurture, neither had Toki, but he seemed to be more prone to nurturing and needing to be nurtured. It just seemed natural for him to want people to just listen to him or take care of him, Skwisgaar didn't fully mind being the one in charge of it lately.

By the time that the kiss ended Skwisgaar was lying on his back with Toki on top of him, one hand placed over his chest just because he could feel his heart pounding against his chest. He leaned down kissing the older man more slowly, gently.

"I'm still thinking about it"

"I'm not going to leave you or break up with you. Hell shit hasn't exactly changed with us, not much; we're still the same...We just do this now." he said gesturing to their current position.

Seriously though not a lot had changed other than the fact he now did have the constant fear of losing Toki again or something worse happening. He didn't want something to happen again where the last thing the younger man would feel or think was that Skwisgaar didn't give a fuck about him. If he'd spent less time being a dick then he wouldn't worry about that sort of thing, he used to not be a dick to him.

"It could change, you used to be nice when I was a teenager. We used to be really close, then it was like the minute I turned eighteen you started treating me like the enemy or something."

"I'm not that big of a dick"

"Yeah you are" the younger man said smirking at him.

"Things won't change like that again, different now, and tonight I want you to actually sleep. Yeah?"

"I don't know" Toki muttered

He knew the thought of taking the pills to help him sleep made him more nervous than a potential victim in a Nightmare on Elm Street film, but it was getting bad.

"No arguing, just tonight at least. I'm worried about you."

"More than usual?"

"You're tiring to take care of, like a kid or something."

"Fine I'll take them, but if I have that dream again I'm not doing it." He said getting up to get the pill bottle from the bathroom.

Skwisgaar agreed with him, what was the point of getting a drug induced sleep if it only trapped you in some weird nightmare world that made you more mentally scarred than you already were?

The younger man came back into the room with two pills in the palm of his hand, he made a point to take them in front of the older man just so he knew that he was in fact going to take them and he would be angry if he ended up having a nightmare after this. Skwisgaar didn't care just so long as he took them, but he preferred the idea of him not having a nightmare this time around.

"Good so now you'll sleep instead of just passing out throughout the day."

"I did sleep last night"

"Yeah I know, but you need to sleep more than just every now and again."

Toki lay down on his side so he was facing the older man, Skwisgaar played with the ends of his hair twirling it around his index finger.

"I used to like sleeping when I was little and when Magnus took me away...It let me block out bad things, waking up sucked really badly."

"Why is it different now?"

"Because when I'm awake I'm okay, I'm with you guys again and I'm not alone. So when I sleep now it's really shit, because everything bad comes out."

"It'll get easier, just maybe it takes some time."

Toki wanted to tell him that was stupid, but he refrained. He was starting to feel tired even though sleeping was the last thing he really wanted to do right now. Skwisgaar held him closer against him knowing how nervous the younger man was about falling into a drug induced state of sleep which if he had a nightmare would make it harder for him to wake up. Within a few more minutes of struggling against sleep he finally gave in, Skwisgaar watched him for a minute or two before sleeping himself.


	22. Chapter 22

He woke up screaming and thrashing, Skwisgaar was jolted awake by it and quickly moved away to keep from being hit. He knew better by now than to try and grab his arms or touch him in general. The screaming was louder than normal which seemed nearly impossible, tears were running down his cheeks and he would yell out words all in Norwegian. Mostly saying he was sorry and begging to not be left alone; by his third plea to be forgiven Skwisgaar figured out it was that dream again. He sat on the edge of the large bed just watching and waiting, the screaming made him upset; it made him feel like he could fucking cry himself. He jumped again when his bedroom door slammed open and three freaked out band mates came in all staring at their currently thrashing and screaming rhythm guitarist.

"Dude what the fuck is wrong with him?" Nathan asked looking at Skwisgaar like he should know the answer.

"I don't, he's having a fucking nightmare."

"Can't you just shut him up or something?"

"Dude what's he doing in your bed?" Murderface asked not seeming too concerned at the moment about the fit the younger man was having.

"Shut up, he sleeps in here."

"He's been screaming for like ten minutes, can't ya like hit him or something?" Pickles suggested, he shrugged and muttered something when Skwisgaar glared at him for his idea.

"He'll stop, just...It just kind of takes a moment."

He turned back to the younger man who was physically calming down now. If he wasn't thrashing around that meant he was either waking up or he was drained of energy. Skwisgaar took the opportunity to crawl over to him, he knelt beside of him gently caressing his cheek.

"Toki wake up, it's fine; wake up."

The younger man grabbed him by the wrist gripping tightly enough to hurt, but Skwisgaar didn't dare try to make him let go. Toki opened his eyes looking up at him, he looked shocked and scared. He was sweating and shaking, he pulled himself up and moved so that he was against the older man. He wrapped his arms around him holding on tightly, fingers digging into the back of his shirt. His face was buried against Skwisgaar's chest as he sobbed and repeated how sorry he was and how he couldn't stop doing it. He kissed the top of the younger man's head whispering that it was alright, it wasn't his fault. He momentarily forgot and didn't really give a shit that there were other people in the room this time around. Toki pulled back looking up at him, Skwsigaar caressed his cheek.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry"

"Sh it's fine...Dream, very bad dream; you don't have to go back to sleep if you don't want. Okay?"

"Okay"

Skwisgaar doubted he really heard half of what he'd just said; he was still struggling to get out of his nightmare. He rest his head against the older man's chest again, his crying was softer now, and within a minute his grip relaxed and he was asleep again. Skwisgaar carefully moved out of his embrace gently laying the younger man down on the bed and covering him up. He got out of bed, he shoved past his friends leaving the room knowing they would follow him. Once they were in the living room the others decided to start asking questions.

"So how fucking long has that been happening, I thought he was over that shit."

"No, it just got really weird...weirder" Skwisgaar corrected himself.

He ran his fingers back through his hair, he had a headache coming on.

"Do you know what its about?" Pickles asked

"These are about him killing me"

"Told you he's fucking nuts." Murderface whispered, Nathan hit him on the arm.

"shut up dildo"

"What that's fucking crazy, fucking dreaming about killing people."

"He isn't crazy, he doesn't; they're just fucking dreams."

"Why would he dream about killing you though, that's weird."

Skwisgaar leaned back against the couch, maybe they could sleep in separate rooms for just a night. Toki wasn't the only one losing copious amounts of sleep because of this.

"It's probably, because he's...He's supposed to be the bringer of death or some stupid shit like that."

"I fucking told you, kid is fucking crazy. Fucking bringer of death, bam he's gonna kill us all."

"Dude seriously you aren't helping."

"Yeah you really aren't, he isn't going to. It's just a dream, but he thinks it could happen."

"Do you think it could?" Pickles asked curious about this.

"I don't know, I don't think so. It's dumb, he wouldn't do that to me."

He liked to believe that, it was true.

"What the hell is going on?"

They all turned to see Abigail standing in the doorway looking tired. So apparently nobody was sleeping worth shit these days.

"Toki's being fucking psycho again."

Nathan punched the bassist earning another complaint.

"He's just having nightmares." Skwisgaar said

"Yeah about murdering us"

"No just me"

"What, when did that start?"

"Uh I forgot, awhile ago." The guitarist responded shrugging.

"Don't you think you should have told me or had him tell me?" Abigail asked seeming more so irritated right now.

"Why would I do that?"

"So I can tell those priest guys about it, they said this dream shit is really important."

"Come on it's just a dream, he's not going to fucking kill anyone."

"I'm not saying he is Skwisgaar, I'm just saying we need to take this more seriously. Nathan had dreams too, they turned out to be important. We just need to make sure, okay?"

She seemed less irritated; she could tell Skwisgaar was worried, possibly even scared. She doubted Toki having dreams about killing his band mate meant little, probably just left over anxiety from all that he had been through. They still needed to be completely for sure though.

"Fine, he can do that."

He didn't want to find out this meant something.

"Where is he now?"

"in Skwisgaar's room for some gay ass reason."

"Murderface shut the fuck up."

"I'm just saying it's weird, why does he gotta be in Skwisgaar's room?"

"He likes it there, stop being a dick man."

"Is he asleep again?" Abigail asked ignoring the guys who were now arguing amongst each other.

"I think so, if not he's probably playing my guitar."

"I'm going to go check on him, if he's awake I'll talk to him and see what's happening."

Skwisgaar nodded, she left the room going to go check on the rhythm guitarist. He closed his eyes just barely listening to his friends fighting with each other. He caught on enough to hear Murderface comment about how crazy Toki was being, more than usual. He heard Nathan punch the bassist again.

"Stop hititng me, shit that fucking hurts you prick."

"If you call him crazy again, I'll hit you." Skwisgaar said opening his eyes and staring at the older man.

"Fine, fucking gay."

"You're the gay one."

"am not, I don't fuck dudes."

"You don't fuck anybody."

"You guys are assholes, why aren't you making fun of Skwisgaar. Fucking sleeping with Toki and shit."

"Why make fun of them, we got you for that shit." Pickles said throwing an arm around the bass player's shoulders.

Murderface shoved him away.

"Plus weren't you the one who tried to hook up with Toki back on the submarine?" Pickles asked laughing when the bassist started throwing a fit.

"I did not, you fucking dildo licker."

"Did too, you so tried to fucking get on him."

"Did not, I'm not fucking gay. Not my fault he fucking went around all dressed like a chick, fucking fruit. Fucking bull shit, I'm not gay."

"Come on even Skwisgaar's mom wont' have sex with you." Nathan said

"Can we not bring my mom into this?"

"Sorry dude"

Skwisgaar shut them out again; he was already tired of their fighting. It made him remember when things were less stressful, but he wasn't in the mood to pretend Toki hadn't just had another massive nightmare again. He really wanted to know what it was this time, probably the exact same thing, but how scared he was when he woke up made him concerned. He felt bad for leaving the room, most likely Toki did wake up shortly after he left. He wasn't going to make him take those pills again, not if this was going to happen every time. What worried him this time was that he was telling Abigail about the dream, all of the dreams. He didn't like she would tell one of the priest guys and then they would say whether this was another part of a bull shit apocalyptic prophecy where Toki did in fact have to kill him for some reason. He knew better than that, well he pretended to know better than that. What if it was true though?

"Hey Skwisgaar, you okay?"

"Fine"

"You sure?" Pickles asked sounding concerned, as concerned as he could at the moment.

Murderface had stormed out of the room while the guitarist had been lost in thought. That explained why it was suddenly so quiet.

"Sure, I'm fine...It's fine"

His other two band mates were looking at him like they were waiting for some explanation.

"So are you guys seriously like...y'know."

"Yeah we are"

"Dude that's kinda weird, not like I give a fuck. Just shit the kid had the biggest boner for you when he joined the band, never thought anything would come out of that."

"It just started happening"

"Weird, so this dream shit...Think it means anything?"

Skwisgaar didn't want to talk about the dreams, he rather talk about the fact he had a sexual relationship with Toki than talk about the nightmares.

"No they don't"

He sounded more sure than he felt.

Abigail entered the room again, they all gave her their attention.

"He was awake, he told me about what's going on. I'm going to contact one of the priests and tell them about this, see what they have to say about this. He sort of wants you with him right now."

"Yeah, alright...Thanks"

He got up grateful to leave the room. He found Toki sitting in the center of the bed, guitar on his lap, but he wasn't really playing much of anything. He would start then stop again. Skwisgaar sat down next to him brushing his hair back behind his ear so he could see his face better.

"Sorry I left"

The younger man shrugged.

"Did you tell Abigail everything?"

He nodded

Skwisgaar wrapped an arm loosely around his waist.

"I forgive you" He whispered against his ear.

Toki turned his head to look at him, the younger man lay the guitar down on the bed so he could move close to Skwisgaar. He kissed Toki on the top of the head.

"Want to tell me about your dream?"

"I guess I should. I killed you again, it was worse this time. Normally I just, it's an accident; I get angry and you try to calm me down and I turn on you. This was different, worse."

"How?"

"I killed you on purpose this time."

He felt uneasy, he gently rubbed the younger man's side.

"I got mad again, like really mad and I don't know why. It just happened and it felt like I was possessed by something, like I had to do this. I really wanted to stop and I couldn't, I just kept attacking you until you were dead. You didn't do anything to me, I don't know why I did it. There was no fucking reason."

"Just a dream"

Toki pulled away, he looked up at him like he was hurt and upset.

"No, you don't know that. Abigail is going to talk to the priest guys about it, that means it could be something."

"Shh it's alright, it's just in case; could mean nothing. It's okay, I know you would never do that."

"You don't, I know I can. I could do it, It's not impossible."

"Stop it, we're fine...She'll tell them, we'll find out it's just something dumb. Nothing at all then you can stop getting sad when I'm not even dead."

"and if it's something?"

"You're not leaving, going back to Norway or something if that's what you're thinking of."

"I couldn't hurt you if I left"

"I need you around, I'd get bored not having anyone to take care of. Not sure I could get back into having sex with groupies and shit again."

Toki lay back on the bed, Skwisgaar lay down next to him.

"I told her about us"

"I figured, everybody knows...Well not Murderface, but whatever he's a dick."

"Sorry"

"Don't be, it's not a big deal."

Toki seemed much calmer now like he was doing his best to keep the dream in the furthest part of his mind. He had problems looking Skwisgaar in the eye, but that was becoming normal at this point. Skwisgaar kissed him smiling against his lips.

"Together, yeah?"

"Yeah" The younger man replied.


	23. Chapter 23

It took only three days for Charles to come back solely for the purpose of talking to Toki about the nightmares that he had been having recently. Skwisgaar had just assumed he'd be allowed to at least sit in the room with them while they talked about what the nightmares could really mean, but he'd been told to wait outside of the meeting room. He thought it was bull shit, he'd complained until Toki told him it'd be fine and he was probably right and it wasn't anything. He wondered if the younger guitarist would ever improve his lying skills or if he was just doomed to never be able to lie properly.

Skwisgaar stood leaning back against the wall staring at the door waiting. He could hear the sound of voices coming from inside, but no matter how hard he strained he couldn't make out a damned thing either man was saying. It was annoying, he felt like he should be involved in this somehow. He was part of the dreams, wasn't he? He was the one Toki kept on killing in every one of those stupid dreams of his. He still didn't believe they meant much, just stress; even Abigail had said they were probably stress related. He could believe that, he'd been through a lifetime of trauma; who the fuck could have anything normal after so much shit?

He remained mostly still and pretended to not care when the door did finally open. Toki came out alone, he kept his eyes on the ground a blank look on his face. Skwisgaar approached him, he reached out placing a hand on the younger man's shoulder.

"How did it go?"

"Fine, it went...It was alright, could we talk about this in your room?"

Skwisgaar wrapped an arm around the younger man's waist as they made their way to his room. He knew needing to talk about things alone meant something bad, not wanting anybody to hear and wanting privacy usually led to bad things. He couldn't grasp the idea the dreams were some sort of a warning, he didn't want to leave and he didn't want Toki to leave. He'd said it was fine, but he'd been lying, and not even that well.

Once they were in his room the blond haired man sat down on the edge of the bed watching the younger man pace back and forth occasionally running his fingers back through his hair. He never glanced towards Skwisgaar, just walked around like he was planning out what to say and how to say it.

"Will you knock that off, it's freaking me out."

Toki stopped and turned to look at the older man almost like he'd forgotten he was even there.

"Sorry"

"What did Ofdensen say?"

"I'm not going to hurt you...So it's fine, I just...I kind of have to, well I don't have to, but I need to be away from here for a little while."

"So it's fine, but you have to leave; why?"

"What we're doing with each other is sort of I guess, it's weird. Not weird, but it's not something common with people like us."

Skwisgaar raised an eyebrow at that, by this point he was completely confused. Toki was fumbling his fingers nervously and still could just barely keep eye contact going.

"What's what mean again?"

"The God soul thing; I'm a God of Death and sickness, you're...You're a God of life and health, kind of really big opposites. Yeah?"

"I guess, what does that have to do with our relationship?"

Toki combed his fingers back through his hair again, Skwisgaar got sick of sitting there watching the younger man shift and pace nervously. He stood up and walked up to the younger man placing his hands on his hips gently pulling his body close to his.

"What is it?"

"I guess when things have happened before we, um the people like us didn't do this. If anything they didn't get alone, at all."

"So what we can't have sex or something?"

Toki looked up at him shaking his head, "No we can, he said that's fine. Just it's not normal for what we are. I don't know how to explain it; just life and death fight against each other. A lot and people before us like this never hurt each other, but they didn't really get along that much either."

Skwisgaar stroked his hand against the younger man's cheek, he seemed calmer, but none of it explained the dreams or why Toki had to go stay somewhere else for an undisclosed amount of time.

"What's that have to do with your dreams?"

"It's...It's symbolic I think, death taking life...I won't hurt you, it doesn't mean that; I swear." he said nervously, eyes wide and scared as he looked up at the older man.

"It's okay, I believe you; I even told you that you weren't going to kill me...Why are you having them?"

Toki shrugged. "It's like a sort of mental thing for me, like the Death part of me knows...Knows I shouldn't get close to somebody like I am with you. Fear of killing you, it won't happen; if anything I'm sort of supposed to protect you, I think. It's sort of complicated after awhile."

"So why do you have to leave?"

"I don't have to"

"Then stay"

"I can't, there's I guess a lot of stuff I need to know about myself and what it is I'm supposed to do. It's only for a couple of weeks, not long. I'll be staying with Abigail which is cool."

"What are you supposed to do?"

"I don't know yet, it's probably nothing. Just knowing more about what I am, something my parents should have handled better I guess." He said smiling shyly

Skwisgaar slid his hand up under his shirt gently tracing over the scars on his back and side, they could have handled it a hell of a lot better.

"Two weeks?"

"Yeah then I'll be back and the dreams should be over too."

He kissed the younger man, he wasn't too into the idea of not seeing him for two weeks.

"If we aren't supposed to get along so well then why do we?" He asked before kissing him again more slowly this time, he kept a hand on the side of his neck.

"We kind of need each other, as Gods I mean. Life and death need each other, they just don't always get along."

This time Toki kissed him, the kiss was long and languid; he really cherished the feeling of the other man's body pressed up against his. He had to admit in its own weird way the God soul fact was nearly romantic, what they represented alone gave what they had together its own odd appeal. He wanted to ask him more, but he felt like if he knew anything else then he wasn't entirely willing to share. Skwisgaar walked backwards until the backs of his knees hit the edge of the bed, he sat down with the younger man on his lap. Toki broke away from the kiss long enough to remove his own shirt then help Skwisgaar off with his own. He pushed the older man back onto the bed, he kissed him roughly while his hands made quick work of unfastening his pants. He kissed along the side of his neck biting hard making the older man moan and buck his hips up against him, the younger man's hands were roaming over his body going from his sides to his legs then back again up his inner thighs stopping at his crotch.

"When do you leave?"

"Tomorrow morning" The younger man whispered against his skin, he moved back up kissing him deeply.

Skwisgaar moved his hand from the middle of Toki's back to his ass.

"Two weeks, that sucks unless it helps you."

"They say that it should, they were waiting for something."

"For what?"

"I don't know, they're all really weird you know. Tired of thinking about it, I got two weeks to have to think about it." He kissed the older man shutting him up.

Skwisgaar couldn't help still thinking about it he lost focus when the younger man stood up removing his pants. Something about seeing his friend naked managed to kill any train of thought he'd ever had leaving him staring and biting at his lower lip.

"Pervert"

"Well yeah"

He touched every part of his body that he could when the brown haired man was back on top of him. This was sex he could enjoy, this was a body he could spend a lifetime memorizing. Each time he slipped back into thinking about what the death god role could really mean he was pulled out of it by teeth biting at his neck or nails scratching down his sides. He moaned when Toki pulled his hair, light and intense blue eyes locked on his; a wicked sharp toothed smile. He felt fucking euphoria being inside of him, felt it kissing him. It was intense, he wasn't sure if it was just a spark between the two of them that had grown from years of knowing one another of if it was because of what they were. If this is what the others with God souls could have felt he couldn't understand why they didn't take advantage of it. Then again they'd probably been raised knowing about all of this, the two of them hadn't. Them and their friends had been raised like anybody else or close enough to it. Skwisgaar didn't care how they were supposed to act based on past events, this felt right; this felt incredible. The whimpers, moans, and worship type whispers and near screams of his name falling from full and swollen lips. A sweat soaked body on top of him, wet hair dragging against his chest with each thrust given, the roll of hips, and the loud moans of broken English Toki gave each time Skwisgaar managed to hit against his prostate. He had the feeling their band mates could possibly hear at least some of the sounds they were making, he didn't care; as long as nobody interrupted them he really didn't care. He tried to not dig his nails into the younger man's back too hard, he had a problem with leaving marks despite what his friend told him in the past. He had no problem with the rhythm guitarist scratching and biting him, owning him. He liked it, liked having a steady sexual partner he wanted to touch after sex, and wanted to have again and again. Skwisgaar worked the other man's cock until he was cumming hard into his hand, face pressed against his chest as he breathed heavily. Skwisgaar came shortly afterward, they kissed lazily; fingers tracing over skin. Toki lay down beside of him taking hold of the older man's hand kissing the top of it.

"It's poetic, isn't it?"

"What is?" Toki asked sounding tired, head resting against his friend's chest.

"Death and life being in love with each other, just sort of poetic."

Toki grunted his agreement, he seemed happy when the older man began combing his fingers through his hair.

"I love you Skwisgaar"

"I love you too"

Two weeks, he wasn't really looking forward to it, but he knew if it helped then that was all that mattered. The power of death was something that made him uneasy, he wasn't sure what it meant completely. He understood about as much as Toki seemed to understand at the moment, which was very little. He assumed that the other man would tell him whatever he found out, at least he hoped so.


	24. Chapter 24

Two weeks didn't seem too hard, until the first week was over and he found himself to end up being a cluster fuck of confused, bored, and concerned. He was remembering what it had been like when Magnus had taken Toki away for all of those months; he'd spent most of that time high on meth and fucking every woman he could find depending on where they were that day. This was a completely different thing though, which also meant he was mostly sober and definitely not fucking anyone. Not having sex was one thing that was annoying him for one thing, he wasn't used to going without. It wasn't like he planned on cheating, he wouldn't do that; that kind of thing reminded him too much of his mother and her habit to cheat on the men she claimed to 'love'. Her version of love, meaning she used them for money or for some crazed fantasy of a normal family. Skwisgaar never understood it and refused to do anything like that; he never married a woman if he knew he couldn't be with her, never stayed with a woman he knocked up if he knew he couldn't handle raising a child or even handle the woman he got pregnant to begin with. He was grateful that the childhood that he'd grown up with had traumatized him enough to keep him from being too much like his mother, though he did share her cold heart, and her ability to be a complete whore. Yet somehow he had the ability to turn that off and be loving, caring, protective, and extremely loyal to whoever he was actually with. Being alone was getting on his nerves; he normally had the younger guitarist to pal around with. He was like his fucking shadow. Not hearing from him so far didn't make it any easier, he wasn't sure if they were allowed to talk right now or not though. Still didn't stop him from checking his dethphone every twenty minutes like some teenage girl. Yeah okay maybe he was slightly pathetic, it was driving his band mates slightly mental.

"Dude check your phone one more time and I'm shoving it down your throat."

"What, I'm allowed to check my phone" He responded giving it one more look before looking in the drummer's direction.

"It's fucking annoying, like damn he's been gone what a week?"

"Yeah another week stalling on this stupid fucking record." Nathan complained from his end of the couch before adding another empty beer bottle to the growing collective pile on the floor.

"Skwisgaar could cover rhythm guitar." Pickles suggested

"No Toki has to fucking do it, do you even know why he's staying with Abigail?"

If he didn't know better he could swear the black haired singer seemed mildly jealous.

"Something about the prophecy or whatever, just so he's away from me. Stop those dreams or whatever."

"Right...So you haven't heard from him?"

"No..."

"He has his phone?"

"Yeah"

"Right I mean kid is fucking glued to that thing, could be busy, or whatever...I haven't heard from Abigail much lately." The other man said trying to see more relaxed as he got another bottle.

Pickles was staring at him thinking the same thing Skwisgaar was.

"Dude are you like fucking jealous, c'mon kid doesn't like chicks. You know that and him and Skwis have been fucking like rabbits."

"Yeah I know, just usually she calls."

"Wait you guys can hear us?" The guitarist asked feeling slightly uncomfortable.

He never minded when they heard him with women, but it was different if they could hear him when he was having sex with a man.

"Yeah dude the walls aren't fucking sound proof as much as I'd love for them to be. Plus the kid isn't that fucking quiet." The drummer said wincing as he thought about the countless times he could hear his friends usually at the hours he himself was trying to sleep.

"We could sound proof the walls." The blond haired man said still feeling mildly uncomfortable.

"We should look into that, soon."

"Fuck I need another drink" Nathan complained leaning back against the couch still holding the bottle he opened only one minute ago.

"Uh dude you still got the same one."

"Yeah so get me whiskey or something."

"Get your own fucking whiskey."

"Why can't you get it, I'm fucking depressed." The black haired man complained.

Skwisgaar checked his phone again while his friends bickered.

"She's not fucking Toki, come on that's dumb."

"Could you guys you know not talk about them...Doing that" Skwisgaar said feeling less uncomfortable and more paranoid, the beer didn't help.

"Right, yeah sorry man, and get your own fucking booze."

"ugh fuck where's Murderface at, he should fucking get it for me."

"I don't know haven't seen him for like most the day."

"I think he was with some guy, long haired guy or whatever." Skwisgaar said trying to remember.

He'd passed the bassist in the hallway earlier, seen him talking with some douche bag with long greasy brown hair. He tried to ignore the people Murderface brought around, half were drug dealers and the other half were people who would end up being on America's Most Wanted within the next month or two.

"Maybe he got a fucking boyfriend too" The drummer said laughing at the idea.

Nathan looked nauseous at the thought, but not entirely surprised.

"Poor fucker, god half our band is fucking gay."

"Hell would freeze over before that would happen, he can't even get sluts to give him hand jobs. I don't think that he can get a guy." Skwisgaar said finally deciding to put his phone away now that Pickles was staring at him again like he was a second away from kicking his ass.

"Yeah good point, like the chance of Toki and Abigail having sex."

"What the fuck did I just say about talking about that?"

"Sorry, chill out; kid would fucking die for you or whatever. You guys are all loyal and shit."

They were, he knew better, but he'd spent the past two hours drinking and he only had Nathan and Pickles to hang out with. That's how it used to be back when the band started, he remembered spending half of that time drunk too and usually would end with him leaving to go screw a random woman. He liked his American friends, but sometimes they got on his nerves. This was one of those times, plus a week of no options was making it suck even more. He was grateful for when the two were too wrapped up in arguing and bitching that they didn't notice or just didn't care when he got up and went back to his own bedroom. At least he couldn't hear them, but now he was alone which normally he was completely cool with. Just now it sort of wasn't as cool; it felt weird laying on his bed, alone. Normally he had a good ten or twenty passed out naked women, or more so lately a passed out naked Norwegian man. Now he had nothing and wasn't entirely sure how to handle it other than play guitar to try and stop thinking about it so much.

After enough alcohol and an hour of tossing and turning he found himself falling asleep. Not a deep sleep, not deep enough to keep him from jolting awake when his phone began to rang. He felt stupid about how excited hearing his ring tone made him or just how quickly he reached for the phone.

"Did I wake you up, I can call back later?"

"No, it's fine, um are you okay?" Skwisgaar asked trying to sound less excited, much less pathetic.

Teenage girl, about how he sounded he wasn't entirely into missing another person.

"Yeah I'm okay, just I haven't talked to you for awhile."

He noted the younger man sounded tired and maybe a bit like he had something else he wanted to say, but was refraining.

"Are you allowed to call me?"

"No it's cool, I just sort of wanted to focus I guess. So that's why I didn't, I really wanted to, but it's okay for me to call you."

"How is it going, learn anything new about this shit?"

There was a long pause, those were never great signs.

"It'll take place at our first concert, the battle stuff."

"What else?"

Another long pause, he wanted to ask what he was avoiding, but he could just be exhausted. The Gods knew he was probably still barely sleeping nightmares or not.

"I don't know yet...Hey how are the others doing?"

"Eh the same, Nathan thinks you're over there screwing Abigail." Skwisgaar said laughing, it was a stupid thought.

"What, he knows I'm not; besides I'm with you, right?" He asked laughing quietly.

"Yeah he knows, he's an idiot, but nothing is different. You still have nightmares?"

"Not really, not the ones with you in them. Just the ones I have from being a kid, I can handle those pretty well."

Hell for years they didn't know he had been having those, he'd had them when he first joined their band, but as he got older they had stopped or seemed to have anyway.

"Good, I really miss you."

"I miss you too, it's sort of weird being away from home again...After that, kind of scares the shit out of me waking up somewhere else you know...Abigail just came in, I should go; I'll try to call you later, okay?"

"Yeah...Hey um I love you"

"I love you too, bye"

He tossed his phone down next to him on the bed, he felt better now. He wished he knew more about what was going on and the things that he swore to the Heavens that his friend was hiding from him, but they were apart and it was a shit time to question him. He didn't want to force him to tell him things he didn't want to, he didn't want to fight with him either. They could talk later, because he felt like it was something fatally important.


	25. Chapter 25

After the first phone call it seemed they then spent nearly every day sending text messages or calling one another. At first it was just at night when the two of them had the time to talk, Skwisgaar noticed Toki seemed somehow more awake and like his old self when they talked at night. He seemed happy, they never talked about anything all that important; he didn't really want to talk about what the church was telling him, teaching him. That's when he'd get quiet or seem nervous, the kid had never been that great of a liar. Skwisgaar was just happy to talk to him at all, to hear the nightmares were over, and that in two more days he would be home. It wasn't long until they talked during the day too, he noticed when they talked during the day that Toki spoke more quietly and often times seemed to be withdrawn. He sounded nervous almost like he did the times he would speak about or remember his parents. So Skwisgaar decided to try and call him more at night or to distract him from whatever seemed to be bothering him. One time he'd asked him why he sounded so odd, but he hadn't gotten all too much out of him.

"I'm just tired"

"You sound weird, not tired."

"No I'm not, I haven't slept." He replied quickly

He always kept his voice low, most likely he was supposed to be doing something else at these times, but instead was talking to Skwisgaar. The Swedish man didn't feel bad about distracting his friend even if he should have, sometimes he could hear voices in the background generally Charles.

"You would tell me if something is wrong, right?"

He knew better, there were times he would tell him anything whether he wanted to hear it or not. Other times he kept things to himself, this was one of those.

"Yeah of course I would, you're my best friend."

Even in one sentence he sounded fakely happy; he could picture him wincing as he said that lie. The rest of that conversation had been short for the most part, had ended with a voice in the background asking him nicely to hang up. The next time they talked it was Toki who called while the band was in a recording session. The others were fine with it until the conversation was drawn out for well over an hour. He noticed they looked annoyed, Pickles and Nathan alternating between whose turn it was to glare at the lead guitarist. He ignored them for the most part, he didn't care; not his fault that he wanted to find out how Toki was doing, even if it seemed to be an every day thing at this point.

"Dude fucking hang up already, Christ he's gonna be back in what like a day or some shit?" Pickles said reaching for the phone, Skwisgaar easily held it out of the shorter man's reach.

"Fine, fine don't be a baby...Hey um I'll call you tonight, yeah I love you too."

"Did you just tell him you love him?" Murderface asked staring at the blond haired man.

Skwisgaar put his phone away, he folded his arms across his chest and raised an eyebrow in daring question at the pudgier man.

"Yeah, problem?"

"Oh shit here we go" Pickles muttered looking between his two band mates smirking clearly amused that it had taken this long for the bassist to figure this out.

"Wait so you're telling me that you're fucking gay?"

"Uh no I'm not gay, just dating Toki"

He wasn't gay, he liked women a lot; he just didn't necessarily care about them lately.

"Oh my god you're fucking gay"

Pickles laughed, Nathan rubbed at his forehead.

"Christ dude you just now got that; he fucking told us what like I don't even know when. Seriously good work, fucking fast thinking there."

"Dude what the fuck I thought you liked chicks, I always fucking figured Toki was gay. Fucking weird little shit, course he likes dick."

"Careful dude he'll kick your ass."

"Done now?" Skwisgaar asked slightly bored with the older man's outburst.

The bassist was still looking at him like when a kid found out a superhero wasn't real. He wasn't sure if it was extremely amusing or just mildly pathetic, he decided on the middle ground, but kept the same bored expression on his face. Murderface went on for another ten minutes before just getting up and leaving the room.

"Great we fucking needed him for the bass...Ugh never fucking mind, Skwisgaar get your ass in the recording booth." Nathan grumbled still obviously annoyed by all the things keeping them from finishing.

They were so close to done, but it seemed there was always another personal problem keeping them from getting this done. They had a dead line now and if they crossed it they were fucked in many more ways than the normal ways they used to be. Skwisgaar missed those days; just being drunk, high off his ass, and hoping that really dirty slut in the first row didn't have an STD. Now everything was different, everything looked, and felt different; he'd liked the idea of rejecting it. For whatever reason people did that by nature; they thought they could reject bad things in reality. You could drink, do drugs, and fuck until it went away. Until you were back in your previous reality before everything was slammed into a strange ethereal darkness. He didn't like it and God it scared him to death, he was well into his thirties, but this felt like being a teenager and plunged into adulthood all over again.

Playing bass didn't give him the same sensation of distraction. It was a different instrument, not enough chords for his long calloused fingers to play over. The notes were never as high or pained as a guitar could be, it felt foreign; it felt like somebody cut off his right arm and replaced it with a wooden spoon. He could play bass beautifully, he could play damn near anything; he had made sure of that many years ago, but it didn't feel right. He was a guitarist, literally created for that purpose according to the old priest men. When he thought of it that way, if he thought of it too much late at night then it scared him; it panicked him. He didn't mention it until he talked to Toki on the phone that night.

"Do you ever freak out about this?" He asked breaking a silence that had begun quickly growing leaving an eerie dead air between them.

"Sometimes...A lot, now especially" He admitted sounding odd, sad.

"If I think about it a lot I fucking panic, panic attack or whatever; those things you have all the time." He said, he shrugged even though nobody could see him. He shifted on his bed so that he faced the window.

"Remember first time I had one, you thought I was dying or something. You were crying like a baby, kind of funny." He said laughing lightly.

"Shut up, it's not funny"

"I know...It's nice you were worried like that"

Skwisgaar sighed sounding bored, but really he was uncomfortable.

"I don't like the idea of you dying, it scares me."

It always had; even in a theoretical way it made him nauseous and sad. Ever since the day they had met he had sworn to himself he'd keep that malnourished homeless boy safe. At first he had done it maybe as a favor, then possibly as a chore, then as a friend, as a brother, and now he did it as...Something else, like all of the above things combined, but he could never find the right word for it. Toki was young, he would always be much younger than the four of them and the idea of somebody that young dying bothered him.

"It'll happen someday though..." The younger man said, voice soft.

Skwisgaar felt the familiar tightness in his chest and pain in his stomach. He ran his fingers back through his hair which was in desperate need of being brushed or combed.

"Shut up, I'll be gone long before you; you're a baby."

The laugh the other man gave was sad, forced. Before he could ask just what was going on with him Toki began talking again most likely knowing he wanted to delve into a dangerous topic.

"Nathan still hear nothing from Abigail?"

"Uh I think she called once, he still has the idea you're screwing her. Stupid I mean you are with me and all, no reason to cheat."

When Toki laughed this time it sounded more like normal, it eased Skwisgaar's mind a bit.

"Don't worry Skwis, I wouldn't do that."

"I know you wouldn't, told you I know you wouldn't do that to me."

He still worried, not a lot. Just a little bit. It was a left over paranoia from childhood; his mother had been with plenty of men who trusted her, men he had liked a bit. She would cheat on them and hurt them deeply, he felt for them and promised to never put himself in a situation like the ones they had. He had obviously failed in that time and time again, but it was usually he who left or fucked things up.

"Don't worry, I miss you though...I'll be back soon, I found out something else about the prophecy."

"I figured you'd know more than a bit."

There was a silence before he continued.

"It's going to happen the night of our first show after the album is done. Not sure when, like no exact time or nothing."

"Do you know what we do or what happens?"

More silence, this time it was like he was trying to filter what to say and what to keep locked inside of himself. Skwisgaar wanted to yell at him to just tell the truth, he was a grown man he could handle hearing whatever the hell it was that he was hiding. He didn't like being kept out of the loop on something this important.

"No just it, it happens and...We either win or we lose, but there's a good chance we'll win."

The silence bloomed all over again, white noise crackled on the phone line making everything seem eerie. Skwisgaar again shifted uncomfortably on his bed just now realizing how large and lonely it was, even the sheets felt cold against his bare flesh.

"Body count?" He found himself asking

The question was morbid and initially it sounded so wide, like he could just mean fans. People in towns, cities, or the universe. He did mean that, but he meant something more intimate...Something more harmful.

The on going silence only caused more panic and fear run through his mind.

"Toki?"

"Yeah there will be one, but nothing too big if we do things right." He answered trying to sound calm about this, but towards the end his voice turned quiet.

"I really wish you were here right now." Skwisgaar admitted

He wanted to hold him, he wanted to see his face. He wanted to be able to see every sign that he was lying through his teeth. Over the phone lying was mildly easier, Skwisgaar couldn't see his face or his body language like he wished that he could. He wanted to know for sure he was keeping something from him, wanted to hold him close and kiss him hard.

"I'll be there...A day if I can, two at the longest. I should probably go now, sleep some...I have some stuff to do tomorrow. I love you a lot Skwisgaar."

"I love you too...Be safe, okay?"

"Yeah I will, I am..Bye"

Skwisgaar hung up tossing his phone to the side. They would talk again, they would talk and text until the day Toki would come back home. It was normal for them, he couldn't help but miss him though. He couldn't help but worry and over think, try to figure out what he was hiding from him. Fuck maybe it was nothing, just being paranoid. Sometimes Skwisgaar did that, he over thought; he worried far too much, especially about the man that used to be the homeless sixteen year old boy he had taken in. The one that he had watched after and grown close to even if admittedly he had treated said man like shit for most of those years. He'd always cared for him, but never knew how to show it, express it without worrying about how gay it came off or how dangerous it could be. Now he wished he could do time over again and he had no idea why, what difference would it make?

There wasn't anything wrong, not that he knew of. He found that he couldn't go to sleep, his mind wouldn't turn off and the darkness of his room only made the situation worse. He decided to get stoned, he looked around until he found the supply of weed he had stolen off of Pickles a week or so back. The drummer was more loaded than Jimi Hendrix, he doubted the red haired man would even notice the stash was gone. He seated himself on his bed and began smoking from the bong he kept hidden under his bed, he wasn't sure why any of them hid their drugs, pipes, or bongs. He remembered when Toki had joined their band they had done it. They had hidden their stashes, because well having a sixteen year old hanging around, one who knew literally nothing about drugs made it seem necessary. They hadn't really wanted him to do drugs, hadn't wanted him to drink...Well William had, he would try to get Toki high or drunk while the others were out working their crap jobs they desperately wanted to quit or be fired from. Skwisgaar would be pissed to come back to their crap home to find a stoned out rhythm guitarist and a very fucking amused bassist. By the time the boy was eighteen they had stopped really giving a fuck though, they all found it was weird how innocent and clean the kid was. They introduced him to every type of alcohol and drug known to man, introduced him to women of all walks of life clean or otherwise. It had been fun, funny as hell; Skwisgaar preferred to be the one to introduce him to things. The others joked he was like the kid's mother or some shit, not a great one, but he acted like one until Toki was well into his twenties. He'd lost interest in taking after a scrawny kid and then began to see him as competition.

As adults they would fight; fight until one time Skwisgaar had punched the younger guitarist. That had been the first and last time for that. He'd nearly forgotten the memory; how fucking hurt and scared the younger man had looked. He'd never hit him again, half ass hits out of self defense the few times they really did get down and out fighting wise. He'd only hit him hard, one time and that was all. He couldn't stand to do it again, Toki could be ripping his jugular out and he wouldn't punch him. He hadn't known for a long time that it was because of his childhood that being hit bothered him, hit by people he trusted anyway. Skwisgaar teased him and pushed him, it kept himself amused, and he always had to secretly admit to himself that the younger man was adorable when he was upset. His voice would go higher when he was being pissy, but it would get deep and have a growl to it when he was near fits of rage. Skwisgaar liked his rage modes as much as he was scared of them, he doubted still to this day that Toki would actually hurt him. He felt like he understood him better than he did himself.

Skwisgaar wondered what would happen after all of this was over. He hated that now Toki knew more than all of them. He wasn't sharing all too much, he'd probably say a lot more when he got back home. He would, he had to. This was important for all of them, but Skwisgaar felt there was something he'd probably still keep only for himself. Skwisgaar pushed the thought to the corner of his mind; the weed was making it nearly impossible to think. Good, he was getting tired of thinking. His mind drifted to more pleasant things, things that made him smile like some sort of idiot as he lay on his bed. He didn't even really notice when he fell asleep, he woke just barely when he accidentally kicked the bong onto the floor; he woke long enough to hope it hadn't broken, it had cost him eighty fucking dollars.


	26. Chapter 26

Who knows maybe it was pitiful how to them two weeks felt like a year, but it did. It felt off being apart even for that amount of time, when they got to see each other again they embraced each other. They kissed and whispered in native tongues how much they missed each other, how much they loved each other. It ended up with Skwisgaar pressed with his back against the wall, he could feel the younger man tremble. When they broke apart he noticed a look in his eye that maybe he should have questioned; a look like they wouldn't see each other again after this. He'd spent two weeks without his friend, spent two weeks without intimacy so he couldn't get himself to ask any questions. He should have, but he hadn't. He hadn't argued being lead into Toki's room like he normally would, the bed was too small, but they managed. Clothes were shed, lips and teeth trailed along heated flesh. Hands pulled hard on hair, when they would kiss it was rough and desperate. When they spoke in pleasured whispers and between too loud moans it was in their own native tongues, something about speaking languages that came naturally to them felt intimate. Nobody around them understood them when they spoke outside of English and that had always been a strange comfort, right now it somehow brought them closer together. The act of intimacy filled some unknown void inside of them, it was by their nature; Skwisgaar had forgotten how much he needed this, needed him. Had forgotten it until he had the younger man's body beneath him, nails clawing at his back and his name falling like a prayer from swollen lips. He remembered how much he'd needed this when he reached his climax, when he worked his friend to his own ending. When they lay on the too small bed catching their breath, when the shorter man curled up against his side with a hand placed upon his chest.

"That was..."

"Good, really good" Skwisgaar finished, he turned his head looking at the younger man.

Toki was looking up at him, there was still something off in his eyes.

"You okay?"

He really had meant to ask earlier, hell he had started to. He had begun asking, but half way through the question is when Toki had kissed him cutting him off from that train of thought. Now they lay here with nothing to do, but relax and to talk.

"I'm okay, I mean it" He tried to reassure

Skwisgaar combed his fingers through his sweat soaked hair that stuck to his shoulder.

"Tell me what's going on" He prodded

Toki rolled over onto his back staring up at the ceiling, he sighed heavily.

"It's nothing"

"You have to have something, you were gone for two weeks to learn about something."

"Everything will be fine, really...I'm fine"

Skwisgaar propped himself up on his elbow so he could look down on the other man, Toki glanced at him hoping he would drop it.

"What's your part in it?"

It's what he'd been wanting to ask, obviously he had a larger part in this than anybody had thought before. Nobody had really thought much about Toki, about his part in this; it was a sad fact. Skwisgaar had hoped he'd had no part or barely had one. He didn't even know what was going to happen or even the exact second when it would happen. He felt that uneasiness start to creep up inside of himself when he began to think about it. Toki must have noticed a change in his expression or the way his body suddenly tensed when he thought too much about it. He placed a hand on the older man's cheek, he leaned up kissing him gently whispering against his lips that it was okay. He told him it really was okay, that he wouldn't get hurt or anything like that. None of them would get hurt, just bystanders, and if everything went well then the evil people would get hurt too.

"If it doesn't go well?" The blond haired man asked, he wanted to know all angles.

He could tell on his own what the alternate ending would be, but he needed to hear it.

"Then we die" Toki said voice soft, he shifted onto his side so he could fully face his friend.

Skwisgaar knew quite well how badly he didn't want to talk about it, didn't want to think anymore about it. The look in his ice blue eyes said that he couldn't stop thinking about it though, that he knew more than he was willing to say, and no matter what Skwisgaar said or how much he yelled that Toki wouldn't tell him what else he knew.

"You're keeping something from me, what is it?"

"Please Skwis, I don't want to...it's just something"

There was a long pause, an awkward moment between the two of them until the lead guitarist spoke again.

"If we win, all five of us are going to be alright."

It came out more so like a statement than a question, he didn't want to mean it as a question. Toki nodded, he attempted a smile as he met the older man's eyes. Skwisgaar knew he should have pressed further; he only knew the record would be finished very soon, they would play their first show a week after that, and that something would happen. If it went well then they would all live and if it went wrong then all of them would die, he didn't have the slightest clue what this all meant for the Death Bringer.


	27. Chapter 27

The remainder of recording went almost too smoothly, little to no technical difficulties, and Toki played better than he had in all the years he'd been in their band. Something about it was eerie, nobody talked as much as they normally did. It's like they all knew something was changing, something terrible would take place very soon. Skwisgaar noticed slight changes in his friends, nobody slept as much as they used to. Even getting drunk was losing its appeal and seemed to be a chore, Skwisgaar noticed Toki clinging to him more than usual but talking a Hell of a lot less. If he had bad dreams he wasn't sharing them and they weren't causing him to lash out in the form of late night tantrums. Something was different, something was changing, and without knowing exactly what it was they all felt it. They all shared the terribly tense energy crackling through the air between them. Nobody spoke about it, nobody questioned what it was, or what was to come. Somehow they all knew what was to take place soon. One week and they would start tour, one week and they would play their first show and for once nobody was looking forward to it. The week moved by quickly, each day seemed like a clock counting down to something awful. To some unknown darkness; out of them Nathan and Toki seemed to know the most though they shared very little with their friends and with each other. The silent knowledge was nearly more frustrating than the waiting for whatever was to come. Whatever happened would end with death no matter which way you looked at it, it only came down to a matter of who. There were late nights during that week where the two guitarists would lie together on the large bed in Skwisgaar's room; neither of them slept all too much. They preferred to spend their time fucking to distract themselves, lose themselves in passion mingled with bits of physical pain. They could control that; they could control the give and take between the two of them. Skwisgaar hated sleeping more than his counterpart seemed to, something had changed and as they grew closer to the final moment the younger male changed more and more. He seemed like somebody accepting a terrible fact, something that couldn't be changed; it was like this odd serenity, but mixed with a great sadness. He would try to ask him, try to question him, and once even yelled at him to just tell him what the fuck it was that he knew. What it was that he was keeping from the rest of them. He hadn't had much energy, not enough to really give his all into a fight with his friend. He'd given up quickly, feeling drained after just a minute or so of yelling and asking why he was lying. It had ended with apologizing and easily given forgiveness, ended with him confessing he was just tired and scared; he was tired, he was terrified. He had allowed Toki to hold him, to stroke his fingers through his hair, and say it really would be alright.

He didn't believe him and at first he thought it was something stupid, something unknown that made no sense at all. He thought that he doubted him, because of some pathetic unsupported paranoia clouding his mind. He felt like a nervous wreck. By the final day before their first show, the potential end of the human race, and the beginning of some Hell on Earth he felt like more of a nervous wreck than before. Still nobody spoke about it, they couldn't even all spend time together. The two guitarists stayed together though, always together; he pondered for just a split second that if the two of them ended up dying if they'd go out together. They'd almost died before like that, confessing feelings of hate and wishing to see each other on the other side. They had nearly died before and in the strangest way they had been alright with it, because it meant they would have died side by side. He felt uneasy about this, but there was some comfort in the thought of dying by his friend's side. Though he'd admit any day that he didn't really want to die at all, no matter how many times he'd say that he wanted to. He wondered if Toki felt the same way, if he didn't want to die. He just seemed so accepting of the outcomes like it was all the same to him and maybe it was.

The last day they hadn't spoken all that much, they just lay in bed together holding hands. He wanted to be close to him, as close as he possibly could. It was final, it felt like the last night on Earth sort of sensation and it made him feel drugged in the worst way possible. He realized the times where he thought he'd die, where it came out of nowhere that it was okay, but this wasn't like that. He knew and had known for weeks now that they could possibly die, that by tomorrow night he could be dead and so could the rest of the world if they were even that lucky to get a quick and most likely painful end. He didn't like waiting like an animal waiting to be slaughtered. He knew his panic must have been obvious, the more his mind raced the harder it was to hide his fear. Lips pressed against his forehead then against his lips, whispers of "I love you" made his muscles relax. He curled closer to the smaller man's body, somehow there was a feeling of weakness needing comforted. Needing to be comforted by somebody younger than him, somebody he'd spent a good portion of his life protecting and keeping safe. Now he was the one who needed to be comforted and he loathed that the most out of everything, but his mind was tired and his body was exhausted. He stayed awake as long as he could, focusing on the fingers in his hair and the lips against his skin. He wanted to enjoy this while he could, because he knew his time was possibly coming to its end.

The day of the show was different; different in the way that it felt like stepping into some dimension built on darkness. If he knew any better he'd swear to God that everybody knew it, everybody there knew something was off. Nobody spoke, nobody could fucking speak. It was like speaking could break some spell, the sound of speaking above a whisper could cause the bad ending to take place. The crowd even seemed oddly quiet until they walked on stage. The sky was dark even for so early in the day, it looked like rain should pour down from the sky. The moment the music started to play it seemed to break some sound barrier, they all played by second nature. Not like they really wanted to, not like they felt it or even could recall what song they were playing or how to play it. They played because it was in their nature and as they continued the show they all couldn't help, but wish for a single fucking second that they had not been brought into this world. Why did it have to be them, why not somebody else?

When nearly thirty minutes passed by with nothing more out of the usual than they were accustomed to Skwisgaar began to relax. Almost by cue it all went to Hell. It started with the sky going from its heavy dark gray to pitch black, this odd black lightening crackling across the skies and then hitting at the ground. Sometimes it struck people turning them to ash, people screamed and ran as was expected. At least fifty were struck down and turned to smoking piles of remains. They kept on playing until something struck knocking out the speakers, knocking out the power leaving the five of them there. Skwisgaar could hear his heart pounding, he felt like his knees could give out; a fight or flight instinct flooded through him telling him that if his friends weren't there then he would run and save his own ass. He knew there was nowhere to run, there was no safe place in a situation like this. He watched as a hoard of white eyed completely crazed ex-fans rushed at the normal concert attendees who hadn't run off. He watched as people fought and looked around at his band mates waiting for some sign of what to do. Everybody looked fucking terrified, it would have been insane if nobody was scared right then. Fear escalated to a place that nobody could find a name for it when Salacia came for them. He remembered him, remembered that fucking thing. It was as large and hulking as any monster from mythology, its white hair whipped behind it like tendrils, its eyes a blinding shade of white and gnarled fangs showing in its large mouth. He didn't want to think of it as a person, if it wasn't for some part of him telling him to stand his ground he would have run away. He would have at least looked away, but he kept his eyes locked on it. It stood before them, towering over them; a black thick oozing liquid poured from its open grinning mouth. Something about the way that it smiled was fucked up, an expression not meant for something like the Godless Man.

He fucking prayed to any God he could think of, every God he'd been raised on in Sweden; he fucking prayed that this was just a dream. He'd wake up, back at Mordhaus, he'd be back in his bed with a terrible hang over from some absinth mixed with cheap acid he bought off of some kid with too greasy purple hair and an Iron Maiden shirt. He'd wake up surrounded by naked whores who would do anything no matter how demeaning just to get his attention. He prayed for that no matter how mundane and pathetic of a place that would be, but any place would be better than this. Even back home with his whore mother and her abusive lovers would be better, he'd rather have her call him a girl, and one of her latest boyfriend's hitting him across the face while calling him a faggot. Anything, anything that was not this. He couldn't deal with this and he hated himself for that. He was too caught up, too frozen with fear that he hardly noticed Nathan move closer to the beast. He just caught a glimpse of the red glow of his normally green eyes, the snarl he gave as he approached the towering beast. He held the microphone tightly in his hand and brought it up to his mouth. Whatever words he growled into it weren't English, nothing he knew himself, or anything he believed Nathan knew. The words seemed to catch the attention of the people in the crowd though, it seemed to cause their own eyes to turn into a ruby red as they climbed up onto the stage. Skwisgaar quickly moved out of the way of the hundreds of people rushing by him in a trance like state. He realized just then how many of them carried weapons, they rushed at the large Godless Man. They struck at him, shot at him, but it didn't do anything. He noticed each open wound in the beast instead of blood oozed that black goop. He didn't know what it was, but strangely enough a part of him knew. He knew he was supposed to do something, but not yet. He looked at Nathan a moment longer; looked at him as he stood in the middle of chaos still yelling words, possibly words in Latin. His eyes were locked on the white eyes of that monster as he demanded people to attack, Skwisgaar knew whatever was possessing his friend understood this wasn't going to kill that thing. It was either to weaken it or to wait for something else to happen. Skwisgaar looked to the rest of his friends, he saw Pickles fighting with Murderface. Most times that would be normal, the two of them fighting wasn't all too unusual; hell any of them fighting wasn't unusual. This was different, because the bassist's eyes were white just like those of the Godless Man's. The black swirls along his arm and chest were glowing and seemed to be pulling up from his skin, Pickles punched him in the face knocking the pudgier man to the ground. Skwisgaar knew he wasn't trying to really hurt him, just restrain him.

Skwisgaar ran over to them.

"What the fuck is wrong with him?" He asked yelling over the sound of screaming, the sound of Hell like growls, and explosions.

Pickles looked at him then back at the frantically struggling man under him.

"I don't got a fucking clue, he's going all crazy or some shit. He tried to fucking stab me with that dumb ass knife he always got."

He punched the brown haired man again, Murderface managed to kick the drummer off of him. He swung his arm trying to hit Skwisgaar, but the guitarist ducked quickly. He grabbed his outstretched arm and twisted it behind his back. He was grateful that the other man wasn't all that strong, he struggled and kicked against him. A sudden shaking in the ground caused Skwisgaar to jump, he released his hold on the bassist which seemed to be a bad decision. In barely a second's time something struck him across the face cutting into his skin and knocking him onto his ass. Pickles came back with black cord, Skwisgaar held the struggling man down while he tied his wrists and ankles together to keep him from moving again. At least right now, at least while whatever the fuck was going on.

"Holy shit" Pickles muttered his eyes looking in the direction of where Skwisgaar last saw their lead singer.

He looked to see practically a landscape of severely mutilated corpses. He wasn't sure how he knew, but he knew that it was combined between the sane and the brainwashed. Nathan stood back, microphone lowered, he glanced to his left and nodded his head as if gesturing somebody to come his way. That's when Skwisgaar noticed Toki. His eyes the same red, for whatever reason he felt grateful that they were red. He wasn't sure if he could handle another one of his friends losing their shit like that. He watched as the brunette approached Nathan, he moved like this was nature; like this was something that he was completely prepared for. Whatever personality he had, the personality that nature gave them all through families and circumstance it was practically gone right now. He was working on automatic just the way that Murderface and Nathan seemed to be doing. Skwisgaar couldn't help the budding fear that he felt inside of his chest as he watched his friend approach the large Godless Man, the one filled with gaping holes that bled thick black liquid. The creature's disgusting grin only seemed to grow and a fascinated malice filled with blinding white eyes as it stared down at the rhythm guitarist. It knew, it fucking knew what it was looking at. Skwisgaar didn't realize he'd been running, trampling over strewn corpses until he was only an inch away from the shorter man. He reached out grabbing Toki by his arm and pulling him roughly away from the large white haired beast. When the younger man turned to look at him, he wasn't himself; he was something else. He looked offended to be taken away from what he was supposed to do.

"Toki stop, he's going to fucking kill you."

The younger man tried to pull his arm free, but Skwisgaar only dug his nails into his skin. He didn't want to let him go.

"Knock this off, it's not a fucking game."

Toki finally got his arm free seeming to not notice when nails scratched his skin hard enough to break it. His expression relaxed, he almost seemed sad now, but anger took its place. He pushed the older man away from him, Skwisgaar stumbled and almost fell but caught his balance. He reached for him again not caring what the stupid prophecy said; he wasn't going to fucking lose him.

It took him by surprise when Toki punched him knocking him flat on his ass. When he tried to get up the younger man was on top of him punching him again and again, he had forgotten just how inhumanly strong his friend was. He remembered all too well now that he was lying on a bed of corpses with a very rage filled rhythm guitarist straddling him, his fists repeatedly hitting against his face and chest. He got up and backed away keeping his red eyes locked on the blond haired man, Skwisgaar struggled and pulled himself to his hands and knees, blond hair falling over his face as he looked up at him, pleading with him.

"Don't, don't make me hurt you anymore. I don't want to, I have to do this." His voice was tense, sad, and terrified.

He knew what he meant, knew that he was willing to kill him just to make sure that this happened the way that it was meant to, the way that it had been playing out for millions of years. Skwisgaar did pull himself to his feet, but hung his head in show of giving up. He did watch as the other man approached the awaiting beast, it seemed interested in their drama but more interested in whatever it got to do now. He watched as it grabbed the younger man gripping tightly to his throat and jerking his thin body close to him. Toki didn't seem scared, he just met the beast's eyes; it squeezed his throat tightly then threw him down hard onto the ground. The two of them fought; hitting, kicking, and biting at each other. They fought less like humans and more like wolves in a pack fighting to see who was the more dominant. It wasn't long until Toki was covered in his own blood and with the black goo that leaked from the wounds covering the white haired man's body. Skwisgaar watched as Toki threw himself against the larger man's hulking form, knocking him back onto the ground. In no time he sunk his teeth into the Godless Man's throat biting away chunks of skin and seeming to drink the black liquid that squirted and poured from the gaping wound. Skwisgaar could only watch, something told him that was his job right now, just to wait a second or so longer. He thought it was dead, there was no way it was still alive after that, but to whatever circle of Hell kept it going it was alive. It lifted its left arm and shoved Toki off of its form knocking the younger man a good six feet, his body hit hard against the ground...Not moving. Skwisgaar looked long enough to see Nathan approach him again, but that was it. He didn't care about that. He raced to where Toki's motionless form lie on the blood soaked ground. He knelt beside of him, his face was covered in blood, clothes torn, and blood matted hair sticking to his skin. Skwisgaar felt for a pulse, but he felt nothing. There was absolutely nothing to him, he was dead, and he wanted to grieve. He wanted to scream and yell, he wanted to throw a fit just in full blown denial of this more than obvious fact. He didn't though, because this was his part of the story, this was his use. He felt something take him over, felt like he was having some type of out of body experience where he could only watch what was going on at this point on. He watched himself as he placed his mouth over the other man's, working his lips open with his own; it wasn't a kiss...He felt something burning and dark fill him up, he knew it was that darkness. The darkness that Toki had taken out of the Godless Man's body, it burned as it ran down his throat and filled up his stomach. It didn't seem like it was hurting him, it seemed like it was dissipating into something less hurtful, turning into something new. He wanted to whimper and cry at the pain filling him, it was minutes until it was over; until he had drunk all of the poison from his friend's lifeless form. Minutes until it turned into what really was a kiss, something desperate and terrified, a hand resting on his blood soaked cheek.

Whatever force had taken him over left just as quickly as it had come. He broke away from Toki, he felt light headed and every part of his body felt like it was on fire. He turned to look towards Nathan again, just in time to see him thrust a large hand into the Godless Man's chest cavity and rip out what appeared to be his heart. He watched long enough to see the creature toss its head back and let out scream that managed to cause more black lightening and thunder burst forth from the blackened sky, more buildings burned, the oceans scrambled and crashed destroying what they could reach...and then nothing. Skwisgaar felt exhausted, he looked back to his friend's mostly lifeless form. He felt like his own life was being drained from him, he noticed the just barely noticeable rise and fall of Toki's chest before he himself collapsed next to his partner's side.


	28. Chapter 28

Skwisgaar woke up, something he didn't expect to do. He woke up in his room, lying on his bed, and with the worst throbbing in his head that came close to resembling a hang over. He woke remembering vague images, sounds, smells, and feelings; the light from his window nearly blinded his tired eyes. He sat up in his bed rubbing at his head flinching when he pressed at where a bruise must be on his forehead. He thought for a split second that it had just been a nightmare brought on by too many drugs mixed with the wrong kinds of alcohol, it just seemed too intense to be reality. He couldn't even remember everything, not right away. It made the pounding in his head worse the harder he tried to remember what happened, he assumed it was yesterday, but it didn't seem like it was just yesterday. It seemed like it had happened a long time ago. His bedroom door opened catching his attention, Pickles walked in seeming relieved the blond haired guitarist was awake.

"About fucking time, you've been passed out for like two days." He said leaning back against the wall, arms crossed over his chest.

"This sounds really crazy, but..."

"Yeah a huge fucking demon and a ton of crazy people, it happened."

Skwisgaar ran his hands over his face again groaning. Images came in quick succession making him momentarily dizzy and nauseous; the one thing he pictured and recalled the strongest was seeing Toki lying on the ground, not moving, and not breathing. His head shot up and he stared wide eyed in the drummer's direction

"Where's Toki?"

"It's cool, he's alive and everything." The drummer said attempting to calm his suddenly frantic guitarist.

"Where is he?"

"He's in his room, before you rush off or anything he's sort of...He got pretty hurt back there, I mean he's okay just he was really out of it for a few days, hell both of you were. Kind of fucking amazing he woke up first actually."

Skwisgaar was already out of his bed and pulling on his clothes while the older man talked.

"What do you mean?"

"His left eye is pretty...It got pretty messed up, other than that just bruises, and some cuts. He's been asking about you since he woke up."

Pickles stepped aside allowing the guitarist to quickly exit the room. Skwisgaar was remembering more, a lot more than he possibly wanted to remember. He now understood the pain in his head was from Toki beating the Hell out of him, he remembered watching his friend fight to the death with that large man shaped monster, and how he had ripped its throat out with his teeth. How it had thrown his body like a rag doll, remembered wanting to cry and scream when he checked for a pulse and found none. The moments he had lost control of his own actions had frightened him, he'd figured he'd die too; figured at least he would die by his friend's side and that was the only thing that really mattered.

He paused outside of the closed bedroom door for a moment or two, he felt nervous though he couldn't explain why. Nothing felt real, it felt like another universe was fading out and leaving them lost inside of a new one that had different rules. He was tired of things changing constantly, his reality, and his friends changing constantly. He wondered if this was all over, he hoped to the Gods that it was all over; he wasn't sure he could take anymore. He pushed the door open not entirely sure what he expected to see.

Toki sat curled up in the middle of the bed, his legs pulled up against his body and arms wrapped around his legs. He looked frightened, one eye locked on the wall before him and the other eye covered by his hair. Skwisgaar closed the door behind him, Toki looked at him almost studying him before looking down away from the older man. Skwisgaar walked over to him, he sat down in front of the other guitarist; he reached out a tentative hand brushing his hair back away from his face and behind his ear. He inwardly flinched at the way that his injured eye looked; the eye itself was a paler blue than it used to be, the pupil hardly visible, a thick healing cut ran from his eyebrow down to beneath his eye a good three or four inches.

"Gods..." He gently brushed his thumb along the scar where it ran just under his eye.

"I'm sorry" Toki whispered looking at Skwisgaar, most likely looking at the bruises on his face from where he had attacked him.

The brunette lightly touched a bruise on the older guitarist's cheek, Skwisgaar took hold of his hand gently pulling it away; he pressed a kiss against the palm.

"It's okay...You, are you okay?"

He looked tired, there were small cuts scattered across his face, a cut running through his bottom lip, and on further inspection he noticed cuts and bruises along his hands and wrists. He wasn't okay, but he wasn't dead and that was a start.

"I'm more worried about you"

"Toki you died, who cares how I'm doing."

He looked away from the older guitarist again frowning slightly.

"You knew that was going to happen didn't you?"

Toki couldn't bring himself to look at him, he bit nervously at his lip. Skwisgaar took hold of his hand squeezing slightly.

"I'm sorry, I should have told you that I knew; I just...I couldn't do it and I knew if I told you then you'd freak out and try to stop it or something."

He had a point, if Skwisgaar had known about that part of the prophecy then he would have taken him away. He would have grabbed him, they would have run away to some place possibly safe.

"Yeah I have nothing to say to that." He admitted guiltily

Toki smiled at him shaking his head.

"I didn't think I'd come back though"

"Why?" Skwisgaar asked confused

"It depended on our spirits, if yours would want to save mine or not. I'm Death, I figured you wouldn't...That it wouldn't be worth it."

"I love you"

"I know, but I didn't know if you'd bring me back or not. I'm still real sorry I hit you, I had to get you to stay out of the way though."

"It's fine, I do sort of wish I'd known about all of this. You scared the fuck out of me."

Not like it was the first time, but it had trespassed into one of his greater fears.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you Skwisgaar."

"I love you too" He whispered, he leaned in kissing him.

The kiss, he vividly remembered that; kissing him hard, feeling desperate and terrified. This was different than that, this was gentle and easy. He ran fingers back through the younger man's soft brown hair then dragged them lightly against his cheek. He lay Toki back on the bed as the kiss deepened before ending, he lay on his side facing his friend.

"I look like shit" Toki announced, he pushed his hair back over his face to conceal his bad eye.

Skwisgaar rolled his eyes at the comment, he pushed his hair away from his face earning a pout from the other man.

"Knock it off"

"I do own a mirror Skwis, my eye looks like Magnus'..."

"You're not him, you sure as fuck don't look like that moron. You look beautiful." He pressed his lips against his forehead.

"It's funny not being able to see that well, it's irritating. What if I can't play guitar anymore?" He asked seeming worried now.

"Don't be stupid Toki, you can still play guitar. Just have to get used to doing things with half sight now, it's no big deal. Besides it looks more metal."

Toki smirked, he shoved at the older man pushing him onto his back. He crawled on top of him, hand placed on the side of his neck fingers brushing against his bruised skin. He leaned down kissing him firmly.

"It's over, at least we have that."

"You for sure about that?"

"I swear, no more God stuff...Well still that, but no world ending or nothing."

"Good, we can just be regular asshole musicians then." He said smiling up at his friend.

Toki lay resting his head against his chest closing his eyes. Skwisgaar brushed his fingers through his hair in a soothing manner feeling both of their bodies relax. He tried to not think too hard right now about how the man lying on top of him had died, he was alive now; very much alive and he'd stay that way for a long time.


	29. Ending

One Year Later

Skwisgaar ran his hands up under the back of the younger man's shirt, Toki bit and tugged at his lower lip sucking on it. The brunette had his right hand placed firmly on the back of his head, his fingers digging into his scalp while his other hand was between them rubbing against the ever growing bulge in the lead guitarist's jeans. Skwisgaar dragged his nails across the other man's back, Toki moaned and arched his back pressing himself closer against the older man's body. The blond haired man took hold of his hips, he lay the younger man down onto the bed. He quickly removed Toki's shirt then went to work on his pants, he groaned when the other man tugged at his hair forcing him to look up at him. Toki lifted his hips up off of the bed, he smirked at the older man; Skwisgaar moved up kissing him hard. He forgot what he had been trying to do for a moment until the other man rolled his hips reminding him. He unfastened Toki's jeans pushing them down, the younger man kicking them off the rest of the way. Legs wrapped around his waist pulling him close against the body under him. Skwisgaar reached out searching for the bottle of lube he'd left on the bed, he found it after a second or so of searching. He broke away from the kiss long enough to focus on opening the container and pouring the substance onto the palm of his hand slicking it over his fingers. He slid two fingers inside of the other man's entrance pushing all the way in until the tips of his fingers were pressing firmly against his prostate earning a low moan and another arch of the back from his friend. Skwisgaar kissed and nipped at his chest and neck, he pulled back wanting to watch his expression. He kept his eyes tightly shut until Skwisgaar gave his hair a hard pull and demanded in Swedish that he look at him. Toki's eyes snapped open, he looked at him lust filled and loving, he traced his tongue over his lower lip as he looked up at the blond haired man. He loved how worked up and needy his friend would get, the moaning, and the biting. He loved the begging, loved denying him until he was practically ready to lose it completely. Skwisgaar kissed him gently whispering to him that he'd fuck him if he'd like. The younger man nodded eagerly. He kept his eye locked on the older man watching him remove his own clothes dropping them to the floor, he reached out a hand to touch him; he ran his hand down from his chest to his lower stomach before dropping it back to the bed. He watched as Skwisgaar coated his own cock with lube before slowly pushing inside of him careful to not hurt him. Toki had told him he didn't care how rough he was, but Skwisgaar never wanted to do anything to hurt him too badly no matter what his partner said.

He stopped half way inside waiting until legs wrapped around his back pulling him all the way inside. He let out a low moan of his own dropping his head against the younger man's chest and cursing under his breath. Skwisgaar sat back on his knees pulling out then pushing back in faster this time only stopping when he was in all the way to the hilt. The younger man tossed his head back against the bed crying out, every word that came out of his mouth was Norwegian at this point, personally Skwisgaar had always preferred it this way. He met the older musician thrust for thrust as he pounded inside of him going harder and faster at his request. He sat back pulling Toki onto his lap, the younger man wrapped his arms around his neck his nails digging into his shoulder blades sending a pleasing pain through the blond haired man's body. He thrust up inside of him, Skwisgaar bit and kissed at his throat. He gave Toki's hair a sharp pull keeping a strong hold on it as he continued to fuck him. He reached a hand between them grabbing hold of the other man's cock pumping it in time with his own frantic thrusting. They kissed roughly, teeth biting at lips, and nails digging into any flesh that they could reach. Skwisgaar could feel himself getting closer to his orgasm, he worked Toki's cock faster gripping firmly giving a squeeze. He ran his thumb over the head of his cock then went down to his balls. He whispered in his ear telling him to cum for him, the younger man buried his face in the crook of his neck whimpering and moaning as he came hard into his hand and onto his stomach. Skwisgaar came shortly after, he rode out his orgasm until there was nothing left for either of them to give. He gently kissed the top of Toki's head, ran his fingers through his hair before laying him down on the bed. Skwisgaar lay beside of him pulling Toki close against him, the rhythm guitarist gladly curled up against him while he tried to regain control of his breathing. Skwisgaar continued gently kissing the top of his head then his mouth.

"Good?"

"Yeah"

Skwisgaar looked into the younger man's mismatched eyes, the cut had healed into a more than visible scar. They had tried to look into doing something about his sight, but there wasn't anything to be done. It had taken a couple of months for Toki to adjust to only having use of one eye, but he'd adjusted quickly; it seemed to be in his nature. Nobody seemed to care or at least not say anything negative about it, except maybe for a few gross old men they'd encountered in a bar or two who had insulted the rhythm guitarist's injury. That had ended when Skwisgaar had punched one of the portly men in the throat and hit another over the head with a bar stool. Other than morons like that nobody said anything bad, nobody could; Toki had basically saved everybody. They all had strangely enough; it was still hard to adjust to that. The world hadn't changed just as much as it had. For the first two weeks after the incident with Salacia and everything else there had been news coverage like nothing they'd seen before. They had done so many horribly drawn out interviews and press conferences that it made them sick and bored. Considering how much they couldn't answer, how much they had to have Abigail or Charles answer, because honestly they had no fucking clue. The thing was so much changed; people changed, there were whole cities destroyed by the destruction that shit had caused. Yet after two weeks it calmed and it seemed like nothing had happened, some people even claimed nothing had happened. People who hated the band claimed it was another publicity stunt or they had been the reason for the massacre in the area that the battle had taken place. That was how humans worked, whatever the fuck was the easiest to cope with.

Skwisgaar couldn't say shit, they were doing that too. That black whatever the fuck it had on Murderface's skin had faded into really bad scars. He didn't remember a fucking thing about attacking Pickles or Skwisgaar, he just remembered blacking out and waking up hog tied and really pissed off. Pickles remembered everything, Nathan remembered waking up holding a black ink soaked heart in his hand while standing on a pile of dead bodies, and Skwisgaar and Toki seemed to remember the most out of everybody. That or they just chose to remember it, talk about it, but only with each other. It helped that Toki had died and Skwisgaar had brought him back to life even though nothing said that he had to, everything said that he should have just let him stay dead. He couldn't imagine doing that though, he tried not to think about it all too much. It made him panic slightly if he did which would lead to Toki feeling guilty for not telling him about the possibility to begin with. He'd had his reasons though and Skwisgaar fully understood that.

They would be touring again soon since the last one had ended up so hectic. Too much had been going on to get anything done, chaos was still being cleaned up and brushed under the rug. Right now he just wanted to lie here, it was peaceful here.

Toki kissed him firmly, he broke away smiling just like he used to back when things were mostly simple. He buried his face against Skwisgaar's chest, hand on his side and fingers curled against his skin. The blond haired man held him tracing along old childhood scars that still haunted the back of his mind and along newer scars that showed just how fucking brave he truly was.

The End

Author's Note: This is the final chapter and I seriously appreciate everybody who has been reading this and everybody reviewing it. Like it really means a lot to somebody like me who wants to write stories and poetry for a living and I will be posting another long fan fiction in the very near future.


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